Forum Mothers

postnatal depression?

24 replies · page 1 of 2

KleineDeine
Here’s my question: can you have symptoms of postpartum depression before you give birth? I’m already 34 weeks pregnant and keep wondering in the back of my mind if I’ll really feel like this is my baby... Here’s the thing... my mother-in-law is way too overprotective and always talks about our unborn baby as if it’s hers. She even told me that once the baby is born, she’ll always be around. She’ll constantly hold our little one and shower them with love... She does the same with my partner. Always jumping in, doing things, and meddling in what my partner and I should be doing. We can’t even live independently because she’s at our door every day or constantly calling us. My partner doesn’t find this pleasant either, but she’s still his mom, of course. But I feel like she’s overstepping when she decides things like which baptism cake to choose, etc. I basically have no say in our own little one... I’ve often found myself thinking, why can’t you just stay in my belly... Tears well up in my eyes from these thoughts, or I just cry because of them. The problem is also... when our little one is born and I have to go back to work, my baby won’t go to daycare but to my mother-in-law. She decides that too. (She’s disabled and always at home.) She’s also decided that the baby should sleep at her place from the evening onwards because she doesn’t want to get up at 6 AM. And I work in shifts. So one week I’ll barely see my little one, and the next week a bit more... I’m really scared... I don’t know what to do about this... Any advice?

Replies

Page 1 of 2

  1. Mandy Guest #2

    Discuss this with your partner as soon as possible! Ask what your partner thinks about it and how it makes you feel. Then, you can also discuss this with your mother-in-law and CLEARLY state your boundaries! It won't just go away on its own, and no matter how difficult it is... it has to be talked about!! I was in a similar situation with my own mother, and no matter how difficult, difficult, difficult it was; it was discussed and a solution was found! (Not the one my mother wanted, but so be it... it brought me a lot of peace afterward) YOU are the mother of this child and NO ONE ELSE!! YOU decide what is good and what is bad! Do it as soon as possible, otherwise, the problem will only get bigger!

    Good luck with it!!

  2. Mandy Guest #3

    Nice Mamavan2... well said!! We'll keep that in mind as a "role model for your child"......

  3. M #4

    Thank you so much, Mandy. That's what I said earlier. It helps me in many situations

  4. Iza #5

    Please choose what you both, as father and mother, stand behind! Your mother-in-law really has no say in it because it's not her child. And to see herself as so important in your little new family is, frankly, ridiculous!

    The most important thing in parenting is that you stand by the choices you make for your child, because you're the one responsible for your child. Talk to your partner and be honest with your mother-in-law. It's such a shame to regret decisions later on; they can either have consequences for your child or you'll always have the feeling; "I should have pushed through, I am his/her mother."

    And one more question; how on earth do you expect an invalid woman to care for a baby and later on for a stubborn toddler/preschooler who really tries everything out? Just that alone would make me feel uncomfortable.

  5. KleineDeine started this #6

    discuss this with your boyfriend as soon as possible! Ask what he thinks about it and how it makes you feel. After that, you can possibly discuss this with your mother-in-law and clearly state your boundaries! It won't go away on its own, and no matter how difficult it is... it has to be discussed!! I sat in a similar situation with my own mother, and no matter how difficult difficult difficult it was; it was discussed and a solution was found! (not one my mother liked, but so be it... it brought me a lot of peace afterwards) YOU are the mother of this baby and NO ONE ELSE!! YOU decide what is good and what is bad! Do it as soon as possible, otherwise the problem will only get bigger!

    Good luck with it!!
    Mandy

    I've already discussed this with my boyfriend and he agrees with me. And my mother-in-law... I've also spoken to her but without success... I know she'll do everything to get around me. She has a stubborn character. My boyfriend is her only child. Normally, nature would have wanted him to have a brother and a sister. But she lost her entire uterus... I think that's also part of the problem for her... I've already made it clear to her that this is our child and that we decide everything, but she laughs it off... I'll try to make it clear to her a few more times so she knows we really mean it. Thanks in advance for your response.
    Kind regards, Stefanie

  6. KleineDeine started this #7

    I completely agree with you. I've already discussed it with my boyfriend and with her too, but she doesn't take it that seriously. I'll try to make it clear to her a few more times; I won't give up... because it really weighs on me. I even dreamed about it last night... I'm really thinking about it a lot... it's really hurting me. As you can see from my reply to the previous people, I've already given you the answer. I just forgot to mention that she lives with three people under one roof: her, her husband, and the handyman who has been living there for about 15 years or so. The handyman is the only one who isn't disabled, and he'll be allowed to get up at night to change diapers and all that... that's already decided... she'll do the fun stuff with the little one. Going to the beach... going shopping. And wherever she goes, the handyman usually goes too... so if it becomes necessary, he'll step in then. I find this quite selfish of her, but well... everyone has their own character, right?

  7. sanjo #8

    If it doesn't sink in for her (she had already written something similar somewhere else), write a letter explaining how you see everything.

    And if she still doesn't get it, I'd still send the little one to daycare or a nanny. If the little one is with her all week, it might be quite a letdown, because you're quite busy with a baby. Diaper changes, feeding, and if the little one cries a lot, it's quite heavy. Now it all seems fun (I know someone who would watch her grandchild all week, but she couldn't handle it because it's quite a lot of work and that child cried a lot). Why don't you send the little one to daycare for a few days and 1 or 2 days to your mother-in-law? It might cost you a bit, but then it can often work out. At least my sister-in-law says that.

  8. sanjo #9

    Oh, if you were having a depression now, that would be a prenatal depression, not a postnatal one. Prenatal depression means, for example, that you no longer want your child and don't feel well, etc. Otherwise, just check Google.

    You're just dealing with this problem, and I don't think it's really a depression. I understand that it makes you a bit stressed. Take good care of yourself and try not to worry too much, because it's not good for your baby.

  9. KleineDeine started this #10

    If it doesn't sink in (I already wrote something similar somewhere else), write a letter explaining how you see everything.

    And if she still doesn't get it, I'd still put the little one in daycare or with a nanny. If the little one were with her all week, it might really take a toll on her, because you're pretty busy with a baby. Changing, feeding, and if the little one cries a lot, it's quite heavy. Now it all seems fun (I know someone who would watch her grandchild all week, but she couldn't handle it because it's quite a lot of work and that child cried a lot) why don't you send the little one to daycare for a few days and to your mother-in-law for 1 or 2 days? It will cost you a bit, but then it can often work out. At least my sister-in-law says that.
    sanjo

    The only problem she'll have is that he'll cry a lot. Otherwise, she has someone else to take care of the heavy tasks. Hopefully, he'll also be difficult when she's alone. Harsh to say, but I really hope she backs out. That she realizes she shouldn't be so selfish about it.

  10. M #11

    Well said, Sanjo I completely agree with you.

  11. sanjo #12

    Is it really the most selfish thing if she leaves everything to someone else? Honestly, I would have already made the choice of a few days to daycare and 1 or 2 days with her. You don't really push her over the edge, and then it can often work out. But does that handyman really feel comfortable taking care of your little one?

  12. sanjo #13

    Thanks mamavan2. ;-)

  13. KleineDeine started this #14

    Is it really best to be so selfish when she leaves everything to someone else? Honestly, I would have already made the choice of a few days to daycare and 1 or 2 days with her. You don't really push her around, and then it can often work out. But does that handyman really feel comfortable taking care of your little one?
    sanjo

    he has no choice... he has just as much say as I do... if you look at family... you can compare them to Anna... but younger and even worse.

  14. MarieLouise #15

    Oh my!! I can see why this is such a tough situation!
    One thing for sure.. You decide, and not someone else! It might look easy for others who aren't in this situation, but the more you give her control, the more she'll take/demand.

    Strength to you!
    Greetings, Marie Louise

  15. sanjo #16

    Why don't you just decide for yourselves that the little one will go to daycare? And are you going to wait until things go wrong? If you already say now that it wouldn't be good for the little one to go to daycare, then you might as well send the little one to daycare right away. And maybe spend a day or so with your mother-in-law. Sorry to say it, but this way you're letting her walk all over you and letting her make the decisions. It's your child. Waiting isn't good either. Stand up for yourself, girl. This is about YOUR child. And later on, you'll be tense every day wondering if it'll go well. That's no good either.

  16. M #17

    Maybe this comes across as a bit harsh, but try to temper your response by letting things slide. That you're going to wait and see and hope that your mother-in-law finds it too much. But things could also go wrong. What will you say if she accidentally drops the little one? Or other things? Are you going to say yes, it's all meant to be anyway? You are responsible for your little one and as a parent you move heaven and earth to do the best for your child, whatever seems best for you yourselves.
    You do talk about a living being who will soon be the dearest in your lives.
    You make choices for your child and put yourself in the background. Your life will soon revolve around your little one with everything you do.
    You post this story here to get reactions, but it seems as if you're also defending your mother-in-law.

    Greetings, Mamavan2

  17. sanjo #18

    I agree with you, mamavan2.
    It seems like you're afraid to stand up to your mother-in-law. It's your child, not hers.

    Also, read the comment where she says she wants your child there. Your mother-in-law has NO right to want anything.

  18. KleineDeine started this #19

    Why don't you just decide for yourselves that the little one will go to daycare? And wait until things go wrong? If you say now that it wouldn't be good and that the little one will only go to daycare then, you might as well send the little one to daycare right away. And spend a day or so with your mother-in-law. Sorry to say it, but this way you let people walk all over you and let your mother-in-law decide. It's your child. Waiting isn't good either. Stand up for yourself, girl. This is about YOUR child. And later you'll be tense every day wondering if it will go well. That's nothing either.
    sanjo

    I don't decide that alone. My boyfriend wants it that way too. It's more like he just lets it blow over. He doesn't think it'll be that bad.... He even says: those 3 will probably argue over the little one. You'll see... So I'm the only one expecting him to go to daycare. That's 1 against 4.... I'd be surprised if they all agreed with me right away.

  19. KleineDeine started this #20

    Maybe this sounds a bit harsh, but try to gauge your reactions by letting things slide. That you're going to wait and see and hope that it doesn't become too much for your mother-in-law. But something could also go wrong. What will you say if she accidentally drops the little one? Or other things? Are you going to say yes, it's all supposed to happen anyway? You are responsible for your little one and as a parent you move heaven and earth to do the best for your child that seems best for yourselves.
    You do talk about a living being who will soon be the dearest in your lives.
    You make choices for your child and put yourself in the background. Your life will soon revolve around your little one with everything you do.
    You post the story here to get reactions, but it seems like you're also defending your mother-in-law.

    Greetings Mamavan2
    Mamavan2

    I'm not defending her... but to be honest... everyone is afraid of it and so am I....

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