Parenting
Another fight after a parenting issue
ElizeGuest ·
Well here we go again, and now I really need to vent a bit here.
We are currently on holiday and just got back from a really nice day. Our girl hardly naps at all during the holidays now, which is starting to get to her after 5 days of vacation.
For a while now, my daughter has been drawing more towards dad because I am very consistent and take charge of things.
I've expressed more than once that I find it hard because I feel like I'm sidelined; he finds parenting much easier, and I feel like I'm the one who has to keep everything in order.
Tonight was an example that escalated into a terrible fight, leaving me with huge feelings of maternal guilt towards my daughter. She had stayed up a bit longer because it's vacation, but she was exhausted. I put her to bed and told her to go to sleep nicely so we could do fun things again tomorrow.
I went to shower, and while I was in the bathroom, I heard her chatting a bit. I usually let her do that, and she falls asleep on her own. I heard my man go upstairs and realized things were going to go south because she was getting attention, and then she completely lost it when my man tried to go downstairs. I started getting irritated and asked him why he couldn't just leave her alone.
And sure enough, a few seconds later, she was downstairs with my man. I said: "You're going back to bed because tomorrow is another day and you're very tired." Unfortunately, the dam broke; she came into the room and screamed everything at me. I was strict and told her she had to go to sleep because otherwise, we wouldn't be able to continue enjoying our vacation tomorrow because we'd be too tired. She went completely defensive and hysterical, so I went downstairs and gave my man a dressing-down for letting it escalate again, saying it's not surprising that I'm becoming the "bad guy" and she's drifting more towards him. Meanwhile, I was trying to calm her down, but my man just said I shouldn't be so difficult with her. This just added fuel to the fire, and sure enough, I went upstairs and yelled at my toddler to behave, saying it was over and I was completely done with it (oh, I'm crying again just writing this here).
My man came into the room and told me to leave and to do it immediately.
I feel so sidelined, and after brushing her teeth, I lay down on our bed with her and told my man to go downstairs because I'm fed up, and if we don't stop now, our fight is going to get very unpleasant, and I don't want a fight in her room.
He responded that if I ever do that to our little girl again, I can pack my bags. It hurt me deeply, and I burst into tears next to my daughter, apologizing to her about 100 times, and the dear thing said: "Mama, it's okay," and stroked my head. I feel even worse because of that and am going through it for a moment.
I try to do things right, but I feel like I'm always the one having to step in for two people, and they are just drifting further away from me.
I've pointed this out before, but we're not on the same page. I don't feel like talking it through with my man right now, but I am very sad.
Of course, I shouldn't have reacted so harshly towards my little girl, let alone screamed at her and grabbed her by the arm.
I also know now that reacting like that is pointless and doesn't work to get angry when she's this hysterical.
What am I doing wrong, how can I make it up to my daughter? Will she be scared of me now after such an outburst?
I feel so terrible, and this is during our holiday, which has been so cozy until now. :-(
Kind regards, Elize
We are currently on holiday and just got back from a really nice day. Our girl hardly naps at all during the holidays now, which is starting to get to her after 5 days of vacation.
For a while now, my daughter has been drawing more towards dad because I am very consistent and take charge of things.
I've expressed more than once that I find it hard because I feel like I'm sidelined; he finds parenting much easier, and I feel like I'm the one who has to keep everything in order.
Tonight was an example that escalated into a terrible fight, leaving me with huge feelings of maternal guilt towards my daughter. She had stayed up a bit longer because it's vacation, but she was exhausted. I put her to bed and told her to go to sleep nicely so we could do fun things again tomorrow.
I went to shower, and while I was in the bathroom, I heard her chatting a bit. I usually let her do that, and she falls asleep on her own. I heard my man go upstairs and realized things were going to go south because she was getting attention, and then she completely lost it when my man tried to go downstairs. I started getting irritated and asked him why he couldn't just leave her alone.
And sure enough, a few seconds later, she was downstairs with my man. I said: "You're going back to bed because tomorrow is another day and you're very tired." Unfortunately, the dam broke; she came into the room and screamed everything at me. I was strict and told her she had to go to sleep because otherwise, we wouldn't be able to continue enjoying our vacation tomorrow because we'd be too tired. She went completely defensive and hysterical, so I went downstairs and gave my man a dressing-down for letting it escalate again, saying it's not surprising that I'm becoming the "bad guy" and she's drifting more towards him. Meanwhile, I was trying to calm her down, but my man just said I shouldn't be so difficult with her. This just added fuel to the fire, and sure enough, I went upstairs and yelled at my toddler to behave, saying it was over and I was completely done with it (oh, I'm crying again just writing this here).
My man came into the room and told me to leave and to do it immediately.
I feel so sidelined, and after brushing her teeth, I lay down on our bed with her and told my man to go downstairs because I'm fed up, and if we don't stop now, our fight is going to get very unpleasant, and I don't want a fight in her room.
He responded that if I ever do that to our little girl again, I can pack my bags. It hurt me deeply, and I burst into tears next to my daughter, apologizing to her about 100 times, and the dear thing said: "Mama, it's okay," and stroked my head. I feel even worse because of that and am going through it for a moment.
I try to do things right, but I feel like I'm always the one having to step in for two people, and they are just drifting further away from me.
I've pointed this out before, but we're not on the same page. I don't feel like talking it through with my man right now, but I am very sad.
Of course, I shouldn't have reacted so harshly towards my little girl, let alone screamed at her and grabbed her by the arm.
I also know now that reacting like that is pointless and doesn't work to get angry when she's this hysterical.
What am I doing wrong, how can I make it up to my daughter? Will she be scared of me now after such an outburst?
I feel so terrible, and this is during our holiday, which has been so cozy until now. :-(
Kind regards, Elize
Replies
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Anonymous Guest #2
Don't worry. This happens to everyone sometimes.
Your husband should start respecting your approach more, or you should respect his. Kids pick up on disagreements and might (mis)use that. They're not stupid.
Let your husband know that you two need to be on the same page. Maybe you can meet him halfway a bit, but clear boundaries are important.
We have a rule at home: whoever addresses our son about something, steps in when he doesn't listen, etc. The other parent stays out of it. Of course, you might need to bite your tongue sometimes, but then the message is clear for the child, and they won't try to play one parent against the other.
In this situation, your husband shouldn't have gone to your daughter.
You're just taking your frustration out on your child... very human, no blame intended.
No worries. Kids are very forgiving. -
starz #3
Elize, I have a 10-month-old daughter myself. Reading your story about that evening, I really feel for you. We're still at the beginning because she's so young. But she's already starting to figure things out. What's allowed and what's not. It seems difficult because you mention your partner is a bit less consistent than you are, and she's also starting to gravitate more towards him. While you're doing your best and want to do things right. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice; we'll have to see how we manage to think alike about parenting. I think you'll never be completely satisfied with your partner's methods or ideas. As anonnie said, meet each other halfway.
You'll figure it out. And maybe you can tell your partner how it affects you and your daughter. To avoid such situations in the future.
Best wishes.
Love, starz -
Elize started this #4
Thank you all for your replies and for taking the time to respond.
This morning was a tough start; I couldn't say a word, and neither could my husband. My little girl gave me all kinds of cuddles this morning and is as cheerful as ever, yet I still feel terribly guilty that I indeed took my irritation out on her because of my husband.
This afternoon we had a conversation, but we first completely fell apart and got into a terrible fight (without our little girl being around). He simply didn't understand that I've felt like a police officer for a long time, and I also told him that I won't accept it anymore if he talks to me like he did yesterday.
But after cooling down a bit and with lots of tears from me, he said he would be more consistent if I also let go of the reins sometimes. That seems like a good middle ground to me, and we're also going to apply the response that the person who is with her should resolve the conflict themselves.
We are glad that it has been spoken about and that we could open up our hearts, but still, I'm upset about last night and regret that we can't turn back time.
I hope my daughter won't suffer too much from my outburst.
Kind regards, Elize
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