Single mothers
Pregnant and alone
Mama2beGuest ·
Hi everyone,
I hope there’s someone here for a tip or a similar experience. I’m 30 and got unexpectedly pregnant, and my then-boyfriend was very happy about it. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, and his reaction was that he wanted nothing more than a baby and that we should just keep trying every week from now on. I got pregnant again within 1.5 months. This time, consciously. When I told him about the pregnancy, he was very happy again. He had just started a new job, and I noticed in the following weeks that he became increasingly distant. At 13 weeks pregnant, the bomb exploded for me. I didn’t understand why he was treating me like that. He apologized and said he had a lot of stress from work. A week later, he said he wanted a break because he needed time for himself. I understood that and gave him 2 weeks of space. After those 2 weeks, he came by to tell me he didn’t want to continue with me. He had no feelings left and said I didn’t “feel right” to him. I was terribly sad because I had wanted things to be different for my baby. He said he still wanted to support me and be there for the baby. I also involved him in everything. The ultrasounds and appointments with the midwife, buying things and learning about the baby. During appointments, he played it cool, and I felt too ashamed to say we had broken up. It felt like a failure. Especially when you read all the happy stories of couples in magazines and online. After a while, I noticed his interest in the baby waned, and his promised support for me was minimal. He sees it differently. For him, it still feels unreal. Yes, he’s going to be a father, but the baby is still in my belly, so for him, it’s not concrete. And since we’re broken up, he doesn’t need to do anything for me. Once the baby is here, everything will be different, he thinks. I’m now 29 weeks pregnant and have a high-risk pregnancy. I get a urinary tract infection every week and now also have a drain. I feel unsupported in that too. He doesn’t even know if he wants to be at the birth (he’s changed his mind 8 times now). Appointments after the birth, we’ve clearly put on paper at my request. Now he’s told me he has a new relationship with a colleague. I’m not surprised by that, but incredibly angry that this was apparently already going on when he ended the relationship. He says he didn’t do anything then, only had good conversations with her. To me, it feels like betrayal. So I never had a fair chance from the start because he was already thinking about someone else. According to him, the reason he broke up was that there was no spark. But if there wasn’t, why have a baby consciously? He said he had doubts from the start of the pregnancy and that it was a mistake. I’m most angry about how unfair he was and only now daring to admit there was/is someone else. This is only half the story, but it’s too much to write down. Now I don’t know how to get over my anger (so far I’ve always downplayed myself for the baby and done everything to involve him). I don’t want him back, but all this has hurt me deeply. I also don’t know how to move forward. How should I deal with him now? How do I get over this? Does anyone have tips or is there someone with experience? I’m also dreading the time after the birth: a nearly full-time job, caring for the baby, cooking, housework, broken nights, and family who don’t live around the corner. I’m also dreading the role his new girlfriend will play in our child’s life and my own love life. I’d like to have a relationship again after a few years, but I’m afraid no one wants to be with a woman with a child. I just don’t know anymore...
I hope there’s someone here for a tip or a similar experience. I’m 30 and got unexpectedly pregnant, and my then-boyfriend was very happy about it. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, and his reaction was that he wanted nothing more than a baby and that we should just keep trying every week from now on. I got pregnant again within 1.5 months. This time, consciously. When I told him about the pregnancy, he was very happy again. He had just started a new job, and I noticed in the following weeks that he became increasingly distant. At 13 weeks pregnant, the bomb exploded for me. I didn’t understand why he was treating me like that. He apologized and said he had a lot of stress from work. A week later, he said he wanted a break because he needed time for himself. I understood that and gave him 2 weeks of space. After those 2 weeks, he came by to tell me he didn’t want to continue with me. He had no feelings left and said I didn’t “feel right” to him. I was terribly sad because I had wanted things to be different for my baby. He said he still wanted to support me and be there for the baby. I also involved him in everything. The ultrasounds and appointments with the midwife, buying things and learning about the baby. During appointments, he played it cool, and I felt too ashamed to say we had broken up. It felt like a failure. Especially when you read all the happy stories of couples in magazines and online. After a while, I noticed his interest in the baby waned, and his promised support for me was minimal. He sees it differently. For him, it still feels unreal. Yes, he’s going to be a father, but the baby is still in my belly, so for him, it’s not concrete. And since we’re broken up, he doesn’t need to do anything for me. Once the baby is here, everything will be different, he thinks. I’m now 29 weeks pregnant and have a high-risk pregnancy. I get a urinary tract infection every week and now also have a drain. I feel unsupported in that too. He doesn’t even know if he wants to be at the birth (he’s changed his mind 8 times now). Appointments after the birth, we’ve clearly put on paper at my request. Now he’s told me he has a new relationship with a colleague. I’m not surprised by that, but incredibly angry that this was apparently already going on when he ended the relationship. He says he didn’t do anything then, only had good conversations with her. To me, it feels like betrayal. So I never had a fair chance from the start because he was already thinking about someone else. According to him, the reason he broke up was that there was no spark. But if there wasn’t, why have a baby consciously? He said he had doubts from the start of the pregnancy and that it was a mistake. I’m most angry about how unfair he was and only now daring to admit there was/is someone else. This is only half the story, but it’s too much to write down. Now I don’t know how to get over my anger (so far I’ve always downplayed myself for the baby and done everything to involve him). I don’t want him back, but all this has hurt me deeply. I also don’t know how to move forward. How should I deal with him now? How do I get over this? Does anyone have tips or is there someone with experience? I’m also dreading the time after the birth: a nearly full-time job, caring for the baby, cooking, housework, broken nights, and family who don’t live around the corner. I’m also dreading the role his new girlfriend will play in our child’s life and my own love life. I’d like to have a relationship again after a few years, but I’m afraid no one wants to be with a woman with a child. I just don’t know anymore...
Replies
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Rosa Guest #2
Wow, what a heavy story!
How long had you been together when you got pregnant the first time?
I don't quite believe from your story that you don't want him anymore, because you're so focused on how everything went and saying "I didn't get a fair chance"... etc. Don't get me wrong, I understand you're dealing with that and that you're hurt and angry. But it's good to be honest with yourself to find a place for your emotions. I can really imagine that you:
1. are sad about him; but also
2. need to be sad because you have to say goodbye to the "house, tree, baby" picture.
Try to recognize those emotions and give them a place.
Personally, I would focus on myself and the baby. Nothing about being present at the birth. Nothing about my baby going to him and his new girlfriend in the beginning. He could always come, but on my terms. The better you arrange things for yourself and your baby now, the more peace you'll have later. And a man who never knows what he wants doesn't fit that at all. Don't let your choices be so determined by him and whether he wants something or not.
I wish you lots of success with everything and hope you can sort out your thoughts or find support with family or friends. -
Mama2be started this #3
Thanks for your reply. I really don't want him back; I'm too hurt and disappointed for that. But you're right that I'm very sad about the situation and about losing that ideal picture. It's true that I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I've also been quite sick, so I don't have much to distract me, and then I just end up lying there ruminating. Until recently, I was at peace with us being apart, but now that I've heard this news, a lot of emotions are coming up again. Just the fact that he's handling it so casually. I have divorced parents and blamed them for a long time for not trying everything they could. I wanted to prevent that. When he broke up with me, I suggested we try everything first, but he said he wasn't interested. I think that's also why I try to involve him in everything. I want to do right by my baby so badly. That's why I didn't want to deny him the birth, but it hurts that he never knows if he wants to be there. Last time, I told him that if he can't decide, I'd decide for him and let him know when I've given birth. He got angry about that again. The last time we spoke, I was incredibly angry about the news that he hadn't been honest. I said I needed space, to process my emotions, and to focus on my pregnancy, but I don't know how to go on. Unfortunately, I'll be connected to him for the rest of my life, and I don't know how to ensure that I can communicate and interact with him in a good way after all this. How do I make sure we can have normal contact again? -
Rosa Guest #4
I totally get that, you just want to do everything perfectly, but you can't control how he reacts. Maybe this isn't the right time to communicate and make plans. Hormones aren't helping either, and you don't feel great in your own skin when you're sick a lot.. You still have 11 weeks. Go all out for yourself and the baby. You can always talk to him later to make arrangements. -
Anonymous Guest #5
Check if a mediator might work for you to put arrangements in writing for when the baby is born and things have calmed down for you. Personally, I wouldn’t start splitting time with your baby in the first six months. That seems too chaotic for such a tiny little one. But you can make arrangements for visits and, if he shows enough involvement, gradually expand them. He’s letting you down massively, so let him prove himself to you and your child first. -
Mama2be started this #6
Rosa, you're right. Thanks for your advice. I'll reach out to him in a few weeks to talk about how we'll handle things going forward, but for now I need to learn to let go and focus on my baby.
Anonymous, thanks for the tip. The arrangements regarding when he can see the baby are already written down at my request. What matters more to me is that I can interact with him normally and that our child won't feel any tension later on. For now, I'll leave that aside and will talk to him about it in a few weeks.
It's definitely nice to be able to write things off my chest and get advice from others who are a bit more neutral. Thank you all. -
Mandy Guest #7
Hi mama2be
I’ve been through something similar, except my ex didn’t want the baby. I agree with what people above have said. Pour your time and energy into your pregnancy and the baby.
I just became a (single) mom, and if you’re planning to breastfeed, it seems almost impossible to manage a co-parenting arrangement in the first few months, I think.
You’re wondering how you can normally interact with him. Honestly, it’s really hard when you’re still deep in the grief of betrayal and all that. At least, that’s my experience. I only really managed to interact normally with my ex after I could kind of forgive certain things. Not that you ever truly forgive, but you need to find peace with how things became what they are. That takes time, sometimes a lot of time. For me, it took a few years. I also see divorced couples who keep hating each other, and it seems to often affect the kids.
So basically, I want to say: focus on yourself and let the rest rest for now. Be sad, angry, etc. Then later, figure out how to handle it best for yourself. And if you don’t want the new girlfriend involved, make clear agreements. "Forgiving" is hard, but it saves you a lot of energy and frustration later.
I admire that you’ve seen it through alone and didn’t listen to him. It’s a pity I let my ex influence me too much back then. But I can tell you, the baby is amazing once they’re here in 11 weeks. And then you can just lose yourself in them completely.
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