letting go

Oh my goodness, that sounds so tough. I can see how hard this must be. I’ve noticed that trying to get pregnant is a process you just can’t control, and that makes it really difficult. And then other pregnancies come along hard because you want it so much yourself. Every month feels like one too many. I’m only just starting out myself, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t be handling it well either. Please don’t blame yourself. I’ve heard before that letting go is a process. It doesn’t happen on command. I’d mainly give your feelings some space. Don’t fight against them. And try to look at the positive sides. Even if they seem scarce right now. For example, try writing down three things at the end of each day that you’re grateful for. Or try a meditation to help you relax. And get outside a lot. Sometimes, taking temporary distance from people who are pregnant can help too. If they know about your situation, you can explain it to them. That you’re genuinely happy for them, but sometimes you just need some distance. A good friend will understand that... And try not to put too much pressure on yourself and your husband. Strength and stay positive. Don’t know how old you are?

My husband only has 4% good sperm, but despite that, we've already been blessed with 2 little miracles without any medical help, so I wouldn't lose hope just yet

Hey,
I also have no idea how to let go.
We took 3 years. The last year was very intense and we sought medical help. It turned out that I have endometriosis and my left ovary no longer works. My right one works very well and had beautiful follicles every month and so on. But still, it just didn't work out.
Also around me, 2 sisters, sister-in-law, 2 best friends have already had a child or even 2. I absolutely love these kids, but I know exactly how you feel.
We had 6 inseminations, always negative, we were supposed to have an appointment in December 2020 for IVF. But I asked for one more insemination because I didn't want to miss any month. After that last insemination, I regretted doing it because I was sure it would be negative again, I was tired of that hope and disappointment. That week we went to a hotel for a little vacation, we ate and drank well, walked around, totally stopped thinking about it and so on. Until when I had to get blood drawn to see if I was pregnant. That day was a very beautiful day for us with this wonderful news.
And yes, it happened by chance when I wasn't even thinking about it anymore. Is it because of that or because the insemination happened 1 or 2 days earlier by chance, since we went away for the weekend I could only go Friday afternoon instead of Saturday or Sunday. We'll never know why it worked out by chance then.
Meanwhile, I'm 26 weeks pregnant and I'm overjoyed. I wish you all the best and truly hope it works out soon, I don't think I can give you many tips, only share my story, who knows if it gives you ideas or peace.
Greetings

Well, I know exactly how you feel. And there's nothing that will make it easier, I can tell you that for sure... Of course: you can do things to temporarily distract yourself. Exercise, walking, work, etc.
I had a tumor removed, which meant my entire left ovary had to be taken out. There are very few eggs left in the remaining ovary, so I'm entering menopause early. I'm already 35. Despite this, I got pregnant naturally twice. But both times it ended in miscarriage. It's been 3 years since then, and everyone around you is getting pregnant. Even that girl you pass by who you see twice with a cigarette behind the stroller. You, who always exercised and didn't smoke, living healthily.. And it still doesn't work for you..
Now we're starting IVF, but there's a very low chance that enough eggs will be retrieved to create embryos. All that pain, maybe for nothing. But we're trying anyway. Then I'd rather give it a place and never regret it.
In short: as long as you don't get a baby yourself, it will remain a path of suffering! At least I speak for myself.. Of course you can still enjoy the beautiful things. But with every ad (with babies), every birthday, every baby news on TV and in your immediate circle. It hurts.... It cuts through your heart. Even if you don't envy anyone anything. Because you're not bitter. But okay, the feeling of pain is allowed...
While people around you don't know what you're going through and can sometimes come across as incredibly blunt.
There's no way around it. Carry the pain close to you and try to see the beautiful things in life too. Strength, girl! Because this is something you wouldn't wish on anyone.

32 and there's really still time. I'm 33 myself.. And I always try to think of Katja or Eva Jinek, who also succeeded at a later age. Just to let go of that age pressure a bit..
It's very logical that you feel like crap when you get your period.. And that positive thinking doesn't always work.. Pff.. But try to keep hope indeed.. And luckily you're getting help.. It will probably work out but maybe not as quickly as you hoped.. Maybe it hits you extra hard because you hadn't calculated this..
Oh no, that's nice for that friend. But what painful for you
I happened to read this article just now.. Maybe you can use it?
https://www.viva.nl/kinderen/fertiliteitstraject-stress-arts-fertiliteit/?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1613640921

Hi Koala.
As you yourself said in my topic, your story sounds very familiar to me. Everyone around you is pregnant and you're not: wanting to be happy for the other person but still feeling a pang of jealousy at the same time. My boyfriend also had his sperm analyzed and it turned out to be fine. That felt really mixed because it was also confirmation for me that this is all really down to my body. I'm starting cycle 7 with Letrozol the day after tomorrow and considering using ovulation tests.
Wishing you lots of love; it's not easy at all.

Hi there,

I spent two years trying myself. I had all the tests done, and a laparoscopy showed I had a bit of endometriosis, but nothing that would prevent a natural pregnancy. After 6 IUIs and a second embryo transfer via IVF, I finally got pregnant and have since given birth.

I know I also struggled a lot with letting go. I think that’s the most important thing: you can think about it a lot, but staying positive is key. I regret that I couldn’t do that. I had a really hard time mentally, and I saw many babies born and friends/colleagues get pregnant. I understand your pain. You wish it for everyone, but especially for yourself.

What can help is talking to someone you can trust, besides your husband. And avoid as much other stressful stuff as possible, besides the stress of trying to conceive.

Good luck!

Someone once told me... letting go is different from holding on... I think that's a beautiful thought.
I didn't need to let go of it myself. I tried to accept that I was so involved with it.... That that's logical and okay... And besides, stay positive on the days when it works out... Laugh when you can....
I wish you all lots of luck and love. I understand it, I recognize it, I don't have a golden tip.... I just know that I'm 38 now and pregnant with our second.... After 2 miscarriages, I find it exciting every day... But I'm glad that after the second miscarriage I could 'hold on differently'... Because letting go..... I can't do that.

Koala, have you ever received those comments? Seems really tough to me.

@koala if you're trying to conceive, it's totally normal to think about it a lot, just make sure it doesn't take over your life

In 2012 I got pregnant despite the pill, but when I was actively trying, it actually took longer

Hi

This is so relatable!
I can also get quite grumpy when people say 'let it go!' Often it's people who got pregnant with huge speed; the first month I was indeed quite relaxed, I think.. And if there's a medical issue, that doesn't make it easier either..

We waited 12 months for our son (I think it was round 17, I have a short cycle). All that time we were just scared it would never work, crying my eyes out at every pregnancy announcement (at home though). I come from a not-so-fertile family so I was already scared beforehand it wouldn't work or would only happen after years. I can't say I had let it go during the month I got pregnant, it was a very busy month but I still thought about it for sure 10 times a day So happy with him and then my period finally came back after 9 months so we decided to just see how things were. After 7 months pregnant, really absurdly fast (hihi for us) so happy to have 2 kids close together! Unfortunately, the pregnancy didn't go well (lost a girl after 17 wks) and now I'm already in round 13. Now I'm more and more tense about it than with my last pregnancy, maybe it was quicker then because I was more relaxed. But well, how do you switch that button off?
In my whole family and circle of friends, pretty much everyone is pregnant (and got pregnant quickly too, nice that remark 'he just has to look at me and I'm pregnant' or just gave birth.. I find it incredibly heavy, unfortunately I'm quite jealous and sometimes really not able to enjoy myself. My husband has a hard time when I'm on my period again, then he has to listen to all my complaints and whining again So letting go doesn't work at all, I'm constantly shopping for baby clothes for others (quite nice though but I would have liked to need them myself). And I calculate every month how old our son would be if it were to happen now. Pfft I really need to stop that.. And be grateful for what I do have, I already have a lovely boy. But once you start looking forward to a little one, it's hard to get that out of your head he.

In theory I really know how to let go. Look at what you do have, pick up things you now have all the time for. But indeed, doing fun things is quite difficult now. Do photo albums myself? And I try to put it in perspective, there are also people who have been told they can never have children 100%, there are people who are busy for much longer. There are people our age who have to fight a terrible illness, etc etc.

And read fewer forums, make sure you're busy all day. I'd definitely take a course! And if it didn't work again for a month I'll just tell myself: we're one month closer to the month it happens! Now wishing you lots of success and hopefully your wish will come true soon and your husband's surgery will be successful!

Yeah, my sister-in-law said that (she's really a sweetheart otherwise). She got pregnant 4 times out of 4 times having sex (not even just hitting it off in one go, but also from just one time, you know). So she does have a point, but you do feel that kind of comment, right?

But the thought of "unexplained infertility" isn't crazy at all, I think everyone who doesn't get pregnant with their first baby as quickly as expected has that thought! I definitely did. But "unexplained infertility" also means they haven't found any reason why it can't happen, so there's always hope. I also know couples who suddenly got pregnant without medical help after 3, 7, or even 11 years. Not that you'd want that, but it does show that a pregnancy doesn't have to happen right away, but it certainly can Keep your chin up!