Mother-in-law

kruimel 2 months ago #2

I don't think you're being too sensitive, okay!
I'd try to explain to her politely that you don't like it (whether intentional or not) and that she shouldn't meddle so much.
And if she keeps it up, give her a good talking-to about what you really think!

I could already shoot my mother-in-law right now (our first baby is 15 weeks pregnant and she's expecting her second grandchild) and no matter what my partner thinks, I'll let her know if she says things like that to me!
This is the most beautiful time of your life, so don't let someone ruin it!

Xkruimel

muts87 2 months ago #3

She probably didn't mean it that way, but I can totally imagine you feeling really down about this here...
From what I read, it wasn't just a one-time thing either...
Maybe it's a good idea if your boyfriend brings it up lightly with his mom once in a while, so she can take it into account?

Rb started this 2 months ago #4

It’s not a one-time thing, it’s constant when she’s with us or when we’re with her.
She also gets quite offended when she’s not allowed to give the bottle.

What I find most unpleasant is the remark like “dumb mom” and the comment that I’m “neglecting” my child.

Thanks for your responses.

Anonymous Guest 2 months ago #5

Hi Rb,

It's like I wrote this myself... same mother-in-law? Haha...
Not joking, I can totally relate to your frustration.
Unfortunately, I have a mother-in-law and sister-in-law like that too.
For example, we're walking up and she's already at the door and the first thing she says is "Hi, give me that kid for a sec..." THAT kid? Hello, let him take off his jacket calmly, etc...
I'd say something if I were you, no matter how hard it is.
It's been a year and a half now and sometimes I'm a ticking time bomb :-P My mother-in-law is really obsessed with how much my sister-in-law's son looks like my husband (not that I mind, but the way she does it...).
This was last week, for example... my husband is goofing around with our son, dancing a bit, etc. This was her reaction. Well, if he doesn't get a slap for this kind of parenting, I don't know what to say anymore... I never reacted, but at home it really gets to me and I think... I should have said this and that. Oh well, girl, I totally get you. Also, my husband doesn't see it as a big deal. I hope it'll be over for you soon because those are really not nice words!!!

Lots of love

Rb started this 2 months ago #6

Hi Anoniem,

Thanks for your reply!

Those aren't really polite comments. Everyone decides their own parenting style. I get that people get enthusiastic, but it's still our child, with our rules and our way of raising him/her.

It's our first baby too, and since my partner works a lot, I'm basically doing this "alone" most of the time. But that doesn't give anyone the right to say: "Come here, you see your mom all day anyway."

It's not nice for you either, though. You should just be able to have fun and let loose with your little one.

It's hard for me to say anything about it, but the barrel is almost full. I'm usually all about keeping the peace, but one day the bomb will explode, and then I'm afraid our little one will only go to grandma and grandpa with dad...

Good luck to you too, and thanks again for your reply!

Anonymous Guest 2 months ago #7

Yeah, you're totally right, and those are definitely not nice things. If she has any sense at all, she knows that herself too.

I've got that too, honestly. I often ignore it, but there's always a day when I just explode... I think, "let it be," but then I just get nagging from her, and meanwhile, I'm the one carrying it around, and it just keeps going.

Thanks to you too. I check this site regularly, so I'll sometimes peek in to see if things are getting better.

Good luck, and don't let them get to you.

Cha90 2 months ago #8

Sounds like a mix of my mom and my mother-in-law, and they really mean what they say. I try to talk back or tell her what I think of her comment, and if it gets too much, I just take my baby and leave (you can really make a grandmother think by leaving with their grandchild).

The only comment you shouldn't take as 'bad' is the one about 'you see mama all day'. That's just how it is that you see your baby more than she does, and she wants to hold the baby sometimes too.

Rb started this 2 months ago #9

I can totally get why she wants to see the little one and why I’d spend the whole day with the little one, and I’ve also found it nice to have my hands free for a bit sometimes, but there are limits.

It’s hard to say something because I want to keep the peace.

But I’m absolutely not happy with certain remarks, and then I’m really boiling and have to count to 10.
Probably I can also handle less because of the hormones.

Susanne Guest 2 months ago #10

Hi Rb

Hat's a lot that you could keep it to yourself. I've also sometimes been told to be a dumb or stupid mom about what was said to the little one. In response, I'd put my hand over my mouth and look at the little one in disbelief with an "Ohhhh, what is grandma saying now?!?! That's not very nice of grandma, is it..." I have to say that this came across quite clearly.

Instead of giving it back to you with the little one, you can discuss with your partner that he then says, "No, give it to Rb." If he does this a few times, she might ask next time where you want to go, papa or mama.

I would definitely discuss it or show it.

Edith 2 months ago #11

Your mother-in-law doesn't respect your boundaries. Why does your boyfriend minimize it when you bring it up to him? I would talk to him about this (just the two of you) and clearly explain how you feel when his mother calls you stupid and silly in front of your child, and just does whatever she wants, even when it clearly goes against your wishes. A partner should take sides with his girlfriend/wife and be independent enough from his mother to actually do that. But apparently, that's not working out. Talk to him about this too, while trying to keep the focus on yourself (explain that you'd appreciate it if he stood by you and that it hurts when he dismisses your reaction by saying 'that's not how you should see it'

. You can clearly - and if necessary, bluntly - set your boundaries with your mother-in-law, but ultimately, it's your partner's job to keep her 'in check'.

Amanda86 2 months ago #12

pfff I know it all too well, the bomb had already gone off before the little one was even born, haven't seen her since Christmas.
always makes these passive-aggressive comments without even realizing it, yeah yeah.
her boyfriend is very easygoing, yeah that's just how I know her, that's his answer.
that's not good enough for me.
but anyway, since the little one was born she's only seen him 3 times, after the birth, during the postpartum period, and a short visit (the little one is now 2.5 months old)

and still she makes comments.
she does it herself because this way my mom has to babysit and she doesn't have to.

if I could I'd talk to her about it.
I've given up and I'm fine with it like this.

Gast3589 Guest 2 months ago #13

So relatable. My mother-in-law personally ruined the first 3 months of my daughter's life for me that way. She even went so far as to turn my in-laws against me and tried to turn my boyfriend against me behind my back via text messages. Because of this, I had a lot of fights with my boyfriend and we almost broke up. But now things have mostly smoothed out, and I'm happy to visit her again. I also leave my daughter there for a few hours sometimes when I want to clean or go to the store...

Monkey 2 months ago #14

Amai, I had issues with my mother-in-law, but yours can really give it to you!
I also started a topic here because I was going crazy.
My husband then got really angry and made her realize that she shouldn't meddle so much.
She still does it sometimes, secretly, but not as intensely.
She still gives my son juice and cookies even though I say no.
At first, she meddled so much that I felt like a rejected mother.

Talking about it with your partner is the only thing that helps.
Tell him that you really don't find this pleasant. He can't keep ignoring it.
As a mother, you know best what your child needs, no one else.
Hopefully, things will improve a bit!

Madelene 2 months ago #15

Glad I don’t have to deal with my mother-in-law since she lives abroad.
But my father-in-law is really very nice.
He’s also the kindest to me among all the daughters-in-law, according to the family.
We have a lot of Skype contact.
But it really doesn’t seem easy to have them interfere in everything.
I can totally understand that’s frustrating.
Strength to you!
Greetings, Madelene

Ukje 2 months ago #16

Hey,

Same here: a mother-in-law who meddles in everything and completely takes over our baby.

It's a really difficult situation. My husband is an only child and stands between me and her. We make agreements with the intention that they will be followed, but as soon as we're out, they're completely ignored. We've addressed this with them several times, and then we're told that we're bad parents, that we don't give our baby enough attention, and that we're raising him wrong. And so on and so on with unsolicited advice.

Our baby is looked after every day by my in-laws, which means I've been walking around frustrated for quite a while. On the days I'm home with him, there's no dealing with our little boy, and he's screaming all day long.

Greetings

Stellar 2 months ago #17

I think she’s already really pushed your boundaries. I don’t think it’s fair how she talks about you, so I’d definitely call her out on it here. Maybe she’s not even aware of it.

Grandmas often want the best for the little one, and can get so blinded by their love for the child that they stop seeing everything else around them (from my experience).

Anyway, speak up before you end up having a meltdown later

leen Guest 2 months ago #18

Oh my......I think this is going in the wrong direction ??
Please talk to your mother-in-law and tell her that such comments hurt you.
Be honest and open with each other....Only then will you have a pleasant mother-in-law relationship

Good luck
Warm regards
Leen

Mila Guest 2 months ago #19

Hi rb, I didn't read further after your opening post, but I'd exactly slide all her words and comments like you wrote them above under her nose! Especially because she didn't mean it that way! You're not like that either, you don't have a big mouth either.

Good luck and love

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