Feeling angry when your baby won't stop crying

Feeling angry when your baby won't stop crying is common and doesn't make you a bad parent. Put your baby on their back in the crib, step away for 10 to 15 minutes, and never shake a baby.

Parent's hands wrapping a calm newborn in a green muslin swaddle on a changing pad

It's late, you've barely slept and your baby has cried for an hour straight. Nothing helps, and the anger you feel scares you.

Lots of parents feel this, and it doesn't make you a bad one. Having the feeling is different from acting on it. Right now, lay your baby down somewhere safe, leave the room and cool off before you go back.

Why does my baby's crying make me so angry?

Crying wears anyone down, and on broken sleep it's far harder to bear. Moms feel this, and so do dads and partners.

Even a healthy baby may cry 1 to 2 hours a day. It tends to build from around 2 weeks, peaks in the second month and settles between 3 and 5 months. Long evenings when nothing helps are part of that curve and don't mean you're doing it wrong.

What should I do when I feel myself losing it?

While the anger is building, don't pick up your baby or keep holding them. Instead:

  1. Lay your baby on their back in a safe spot, like their crib (cot) or an empty playpen.
  2. Walk out and shut the door, but stay inside the house.
  3. Take a 10 to 15 minute break. Slow your breathing, drink some water or call a friend.
  4. Check on your baby every 5 to 10 minutes, but wait until you feel calm to lift them out.

Crying for a few minutes in a safe crib won't hurt your baby, but shaking can. No matter how frustrated you are, never shake a baby: it can cause brain damage, lifelong injury or death. If another adult is home, hand the baby to them.

How can I make the next long night easier?

Before the next rough evening, agree with your partner on who steps in and when, and pick a simple "I need you now" signal. Trade off so you each get one longer block of sleep.

Anyone who cares for your baby needs the same rule: if frustration builds, they lay the baby down and call you. Earplugs or noise-canceling headphones take the edge off the sound while you hold or watch your baby. If evenings are the hardest part, read why your 3-week-old cries every evening.

What other parents say

The anger usually hits at night after very little sleep, and guilt follows close behind. Many say it feels more like being overwhelmed by the noise than anger at the baby. Taking turns with a partner is what helps most often. Some only realized later that their constant short temper was postpartum depression, and treatment helped.

When to get help

If you feel you could hurt your baby or yourself, put your baby somewhere safe and call your emergency number now. In the US you can also call or text 988.

See your doctor when irritability, anger or a low mood lasts longer than two weeks, keeps growing or feels unmanageable, or when scary thoughts keep coming back. Postpartum depression, anxiety and rage are treatable, and partners can get them too.

Call your baby's doctor if the crying comes with a fever, poor feeding or vomiting, or sounds different from usual. If there's any chance your baby was shaken or hurt, call for emergency help right away.

For non-urgent questions, contact your pediatrician or doctor (UK: GP or NHS 111; Australia: healthdirect 1800 022 222; Canada: 811 in most provinces). In an emergency, call 911 (US and Canada), 999 (UK), 000 (Australia), 111 (New Zealand) or 112 (Ireland).

Parent support lines: National Maternal Mental Health Hotline 1-833-852-6262 (US, call or text, 24/7), Cry-sis 0800 448 0737 (UK, 9am to 10pm), PANDA 1300 726 306 (Australia) and PlunketLine 0800 933 922 (New Zealand, 24/7).

The bottom line

Getting angry when the crying won't stop is a sign of exhaustion. Lay your baby down safely, go back once you're calm, and ask for help early.

FAQ

Can I leave my baby to cry while I calm down?

Yes. Crying on their back in a safe crib for 10 to 15 minutes won't harm your baby.

Do dads and partners get angry like this too?

They do. Postpartum depression can affect partners as well, so if the anger doesn't fade, mention it to a doctor.

How long does this crying phase last?

In most babies it's worst in the second month and eases off between 3 and 5 months.

Going through this right now? Talk to other parents in our Baby chat forum.

Sources

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