The birth
Questions about hec, maternity leave, and childbirth
JoseGuest ·
Hi ladies
I'm due in about 10 weeks with my first baby.
I was wondering if you got a lot of support from your partner during labor and how your bond has been since the birth? Lately I've had a bit of a dip in my feelings for my boyfriend, and at my request he's been away for a bit, but that's because so much is coming at me/us and everything is changing. My midwife said those feelings usually turn around after birth because you'll see how much support you get from him, especially when our baby is on my chest and we see and hold him/her for the first time. I was wondering what your experiences are.
I read everywhere that bonding is very important and that the baby should rely on smell and voice. Now my mom suggested staying over every day during the postpartum week to help me with the baby, and if something happens with me, because she's not on good terms with the baby's father and she doesn't really want him around at night. We're currently apart.
Now I don't want to upset my mom too much, so I was thinking of having my partner there for the first 5 nights and then my mom. Or are those first nights already very important for dad to bond with the baby? He mentioned this afternoon that the baby would otherwise get used to my mom's voice and smell and might become restless when he holds or changes our baby. Is there any truth to that or is it not that big a deal? Those hormones are fun now and then... I'm getting tired of it though, the physical complaints are getting worse.
I'm due in about 10 weeks with my first baby.
I was wondering if you got a lot of support from your partner during labor and how your bond has been since the birth? Lately I've had a bit of a dip in my feelings for my boyfriend, and at my request he's been away for a bit, but that's because so much is coming at me/us and everything is changing. My midwife said those feelings usually turn around after birth because you'll see how much support you get from him, especially when our baby is on my chest and we see and hold him/her for the first time. I was wondering what your experiences are.
I read everywhere that bonding is very important and that the baby should rely on smell and voice. Now my mom suggested staying over every day during the postpartum week to help me with the baby, and if something happens with me, because she's not on good terms with the baby's father and she doesn't really want him around at night. We're currently apart.
Now I don't want to upset my mom too much, so I was thinking of having my partner there for the first 5 nights and then my mom. Or are those first nights already very important for dad to bond with the baby? He mentioned this afternoon that the baby would otherwise get used to my mom's voice and smell and might become restless when he holds or changes our baby. Is there any truth to that or is it not that big a deal? Those hormones are fun now and then... I'm getting tired of it though, the physical complaints are getting worse.
Replies
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Iza #2
The birth and arrival of a baby are new experiences where you get to know your partner better. And you can definitely grow closer through these experiences. Personally, I wouldn't choose to have your mom around full-time during the postpartum week instead of your partner; it seems like a really bad foundation for starting your little family. It's your baby, not your mom's, and your boyfriend should definitely be there when your baby gets their first bath, bottle, whatever. And he's right about bonding; babies can't see or focus well yet and bond mainly through voice and smell. I'd try to keep your boyfriend involved as much as possible in every way to build a good foundation for the rest of your life as a family.
And I'd find it very selfish of your mom if she doesn't understand this, because then she's not really putting her grandchild's best interests first... -
Jose Guest #3
It’s also partly because he doesn’t live at home right now, since things aren’t going so well between him and my family. My partner keeps saying it’s in the baby’s best interest for him to be there those days, and then regularly afterwards, even if we don’t end up staying together. There’s just so little online information about attachment to fathers. -
Debje #4
It's indeed important to involve the dad as much as possible. The baby instinctively knows it's his father. He recognizes his voice (as far as that's possible for you guys) and his scent. It's best to do as much as possible together. It's also nice for your partner. This is important for the bond with his father! And maybe you'll benefit a lot yourself if he's around. -
Olivia-Anna #5
Iza, I always think you're so wise in how you give your answers!! (Just wanted to say that
)
Hi Jose,
It's good of you to think so deeply about this; what you're going through is no small thing.
Remember that this is a time you can never get back, and your choices now are the foundation
for the bond between your baby and their dad.
Personally, I believe a father has just as many rights towards his child as the mother does, especially when he's open to it.
Imagine having to tell your child the whole story of the birth later on,
put yourself in your child's shoes if you had to explain why "dad"
wasn't around.
(And who knows, maybe everything will work out perfectly between you two. Could this hold a grudge forever because you took something away from him that was his due?)
You wouldn't just be depriving the father of that moment, but also your baby, and you can't undo it.
You, the father, and your baby come first.
I hope your mother can show some understanding; I'm sure she wants the best for her grandchild too.
(My parents aren't on good terms with my husband either, but during the birth and now during visits, they've stepped back because he's now the father of their grandchild. They respect him in that regard, and I hope your mother will do the same!)
I wish you lots of wisdom and strength!! X
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