Forum From Baby to Toddler

11-month-old baby with extreme separation anxiety

26 replies · page 1 of 2

HereWeGoAgain
My 11-month-old daughter has severe separation anxiety. I’ve read that it’s a developmental phase they go through, but it’s gotten to the point where if we just stand up or move even a meter away, she gets so upset that she starts vomiting.

She’d rather sit next to me on the floor all day, right where I’m cleaning or tidying up, than play on her mat. My husband and I both work quite late (I don’t get home until 5:45 PM), and he even later, so our time with her is limited. This makes it seem like she’s clinging to us even more tightly.

Any tips on helping your baby cope with these fears? I really don’t know what to do anymore. We always try to say goodbye very clearly, and I don’t drag out the goodbye...

I can’t leave her sight for even a second at home without her throat tightening and tears starting to flow. The panic is so intense that she goes completely wild. She can’t crawl yet, so she can’t come crawling after us either.

Replies

Page 1 of 2

  1. Maria Guest #2

    Unfortunately, it's indeed a phase. They realize that you can leave and won't be back for a while (in their minds, forever). It's extra tough that she can't crawl yet, otherwise she could come check if you're still there.

    Unfortunately, I don't have any tips, except to keep doing what you're doing. Don't prolong the goodbye, saying goodbye means leaving and not hanging around, no matter how hard that is. Maybe you can try to really dedicate the time you spend with her to her and not be on your phone, etc. We're trying to do that very consciously.

    Do you also carry your baby? Otherwise, you could maybe put her in a sling for a while, so you can still do something without her getting upset.

  2. HereWeGoAgain started this #3

    I try to keep her with me a lot when I’m doing something, but then I’m taking away the motivation to crawl again. Because she knows: mom will pick me up anyway.
    We try to play a lot together and indeed not do other things in the evening because then we only have a good hour together. But even just stirring something in the kitchen is a drama.
    On weekends, the regular household chores continue so she can’t be with me every second. 3 weeks ago she could play alone for an hour and now she sticks to me like glue.
    I carried her a lot. Now only when it’s unavoidable because I’m 23 weeks pregnant and she doesn’t fit so well in the carrier on my big belly

    I read somewhere that it can take up to 18 months I hope the arrival of the new baby won’t be a bad stimulus for her. So terrible separation anxiety and then having to share with a new baby. I can already vividly imagine the breastfeeding moments

  3. Anonymous Guest #4

    You both work 5 days a week? That’s a lot. Is there a chance you could work less?

    Am I understanding correctly that when you finally get to spend time with your child, you still clean the house? I get that the house needs to be clean, but I’d do as much as possible while they’re sleeping.

    It reads more like she just misses you guys a lot and wants to be with you. I’d invest in more time with your child, especially now that a baby is on the way. She needs you.

  4. Anonymous Guest #5

    The message above me is so true. I feel the same way and hope you really understand that you'll soon have two kids and need to take more time off... work less and live more frugally would be a must.

  5. HereWeGoAgain started this #6

    I totally get what you guys are saying! Just to clarify:
    During the week I don't do any cleaning or 'chores'. There really isn't time for that in the limited time we have together. The only thing that has to happen is making food, of course. Since she's slowly starting to eat from the table with us, we do this as soon as possible after we get home because otherwise she can never sit down with us for a nice family meal.

    Of course, everything that doesn't get done during the week has to be done on the weekend. My husband works almost every Saturday too, so he's only around on Sundays. I try to do as much as possible during her naps but I never get everything done, so tidying up sometimes has to happen when she's awake on the weekend too. Of course I'd rather spend the whole day with her and play together, but then everything just stays lying around the house.. I also consciously choose to do the grocery shopping together with her, and not to drop her off with the grandparents. She doesn't get much out of it, but she does enjoy just being together.

    Last week she stayed overnight at one of the grandparents for the very first time in a year. Just because I find it really hard myself to not be with her. So it's not like she doesn't get enough attention from us. People say we are 'too' addicted to her and that's why she's having so much trouble now being away from us.

    The option to work less isn't really there. My husband is a truck driver and works between 12 and 15 hours a day. I work a standard 40-hour week but can't stay home either (not because it wouldn't work financially, but just because my job doesn't allow it). So if I wanted to work less, I'd have to change jobs immediately, and then I'd lose a lot of benefits. Company car, fuel card,...

    Working full-time when you have kids isn't abnormal. At least not in Belgium.. Of course I'd VEEEEEEERY much rather stay home with my kids, but I would never consciously choose to work part-time or anything like that.

  6. Anonymous Guest #7

    Are you too addicted to your kids? What nonsense. My 4 and 2-year-olds have never stayed overnight. Isn't that completely unnecessary anyway?

    I'm really surprised by the part where you just take her along for grocery shopping instead of dropping her off at grandma and grandpa's. Isn't it logical that she comes along?

    It's about setting priorities. Your child clearly shows that they need you/you both. It's a shame that things are different in Belgium. A child remains a child. And they need you.

    My mouth fell open in amazement at the car and the fuel card. Isn't it about the well-being of the children? You don't always have to work less.

    My husband changed jobs for the family, no more car and no more fuel card. We even had to move. 130 km. More time with his children. And that's priceless.

    Reconsider your priorities and look at what children need to grow up with a sense of security. And not what everyone else does. 3 days of childcare is really more than enough. Even for your next child.

    Can you maybe adjust your working hours so you're home earlier?

    Let someone help you with cooking? Own pot and ladle, and start cooking.

  7. Anna Guest #8

    Reading the sentences that you both work 5 days (or more) already made me sense where this discussion would head. The fact that it's 'the norm' in the Netherlands (and maybe Belgium) for women to immediately go part-time when they become mothers doesn't mean everyone does it, doesn't mean it's necessarily bad for your child, and certainly doesn't mean that separation anxiety comes from that.

    As you yourself mention, there was no problem several weeks ago when you also worked 5 days. Maybe she's going through a little leap now and things just aren't going her way, she's frustrated that she can't crawl yet, or there's something else going on that's totally normal for a baby.

    For comparison: in Scandinavia, it's very normal for both father and mother to work 5 days a week, and for the kids to go to daycare 5 days a week. There are lots of very cheerful kids there who also cry (sometimes very loudly and dramatically) when they see their parents leaving, but that doesn't mean those parents have to immediately quit (part of) their jobs and start being stay-at-home parents. And these aren't children who end up with lifelong trauma. So do what makes you happy, and pass that feeling on to your daughter.

  8. Beagle #9

    That separation anxiety is tough; our daughter is struggling with it again too. Not as extreme as your daughter's, but when she sees me step out of view, she starts crying too. At daycare, she doesn't want to be handed over and cries. So we leave right after saying goodbye, and often she calms down pretty quickly.

    A few months ago, she had this too, and then it suddenly went away again. Just keep at it and try to take it into account, but judging by your posts, you're already doing that!

  9. Anne #10

    Just popping in for a quick moment. I think the debate about part-time vs full-time work isn't really relevant here. She's asking for tips on separation anxiety... I work part-time and am home with my little one most of the time, and I've dealt with separation anxiety too. My daughter could crawl at that age and would just follow you around. I think that's the hardest part—that she can't go check for herself if you're there and what you're doing. The only thing I can think of is to keep as many fixed routines as possible, and indeed just say goodbye when you leave and not make it too long. Otherwise, cuddle up and wait for this phase to pass. My experience with these kinds of things is that it's really intense for a short while, and then it gets better. Especially once the little one starts crawling.

    Regarding grocery shopping, people were quite surprised by that too. But honestly, of course she can come along. But if possible, I leave my daughter with her grandparents for half an hour longer after I've worked, and then I do the shopping and tidy up. I do have shorter shifts for this. You can always look at everything in a negative light. My daughter runs around like a seagull, and if I have to take her grocery shopping, more stuff gets unpacked at home than I can put away.

    I'm afraid this topic is missing its point and isn't helping the person who asked the question.

  10. Anonymous Guest #11

    They all go through separation anxiety at some point; that's part of development. It's normal and a good sign.
    Still, parents are there to take care of the kids. Whether mom or dad works less doesn't matter. Kids need their parents, no matter their age.

  11. Puck #12

    It's a shame that this discussion is always brought up in multiple threads. And it's especially sad that people don't dare to comment under their own name, but do it anonymously.

    I haven't experienced separation anxiety myself, but I believe it's just a phase, regardless of how many days a child goes to daycare. I hope our daughter remains as easygoing as she is now, but I'll keep these tips in mind.

    Furthermore, I believe children become very friendly and social from spending time in daycare. The friendliest kids I know (besides our own daughter, of course ) are those who went to daycare a lot.

  12. HereWeGoAgain started this #13

    THANKS! To all the people who answer my question instead of starting an unnecessary discussion. Everyone has to figure out for themselves what they want to do, how much they want to earn, and what 'sacrifices' they are willing to make. That is completely separate from what my daughter is struggling with right now.

    She goes to daycare (small-scale foster mother) for 3 days and to each grandma for 1 day. It's not always obvious that you take your child with you to do the groceries. If you have, for example, a crying baby who has a hard time with too many stimuli 24/7, why would you subject such a child to going shopping for another 1-2 hours, in and out of shops?

    The reason I gave that example was just to show that I don't drop them off 'unnecessarily' for every little thing, because overall she is a super easy, well-behaved, and quiet child who really likes to go out with me. She's just having a bit of a hard time right now when we are not in her immediate vicinity.

    Back to the topic: The funny thing is, when I drop her off at the foster mother's or at the grandmas, she cries for 10 seconds, not even that loudly. More like she reaches out to me as if to say: please don't go, but as soon as I'm out of sight, it's all over and she doesn't shed a single tear for the rest of the day.

    It's the moments when she is at home with me that are the hardest. Then she has exactly the awareness that we are home, that I am walking around there, and when she sees me walking, she just wants to be as close to me as possible. I now put her on my lap a lot where I am, jumper in the kitchen, made play mats everywhere so I can just move her around, already have a potty by the toilet (too young, I know) but this way she can be cozy and nearby.

    I just wonder if this is fueling her separation anxiety or if I'm doing the right thing? If she sees me come back every time, for example when I come from the kitchen or the toilet, then she knows I'm coming back. But if I take her everywhere with me because it's so pitiful that she cries, she might think that when I don't take her with me, I'm really gone...

    I want to (while I still can) encourage/teach everything correctly from the first time. Because once she gets used to something, it's hard to teach her differently.

  13. Anonymous Guest #14

    I don't get what you mean? Your last message is your own answer. Your child just has separation anxiety, like any other child. Deal with it, just like you already say that your child likes going to the daycare mom and only cries softly for ten seconds. What's the problem really? Probably you're bringing a negative vibe along, which makes your child act out, and you see this as separation anxiety because actually, 5 times a week, there's nothing wrong when they're actually dropped off...

  14. Anonymous Guest #15

    And exactly those five times she should have separation anxiety then, or am I crazy.. if you play together with your child and she cries over every little thing then I don't know either.. she'll probably have much more fun outdoors.

  15. Maria #16

    Does it help if you keep talking even when you're out of sight? I did that for a while so my little boy could still hear that I was around. That could be a solution if you need to grab something or go to the bathroom for a moment. She needs to learn it a bit too, after all.

  16. Anne #17

    Wow, what a response. I find the last part hard to answer, but I once read that games like peek-a-boo or "baby in the box" (where you briefly go out of sight and keep talking) really help (and they come back pretty quickly, of course ). Maybe also mention every time you step away, "Mommy is just doing this and will be back in a sec." Don't mind the anonymous poster; they're totally off-topic in their reply. Hope your little one quickly realizes that everything is fine when you briefly go out of sight.

  17. HereWeGoAgain started this #18

    @ Maria and Anne: I always try to keep talking, but so far no success with that. I'll definitely keep it up anyway because it can't hurt.

    I don't know "Kindje in de box" yet, I'll definitely look up some info on it!

    It's sad what some people occupy themselves with on forums like this Frustrations you have with yourself and your life are better worked out in places where this is intended.

  18. Anonymous Guest #19

    I'm Anonymous 1, I'm done with constantly creating new accounts. From now on, I'll put my name under my posts, like you'd know someone.

    Maybe not what you want to hear, but my advice is to work less and spend more time with your child. That's what your child is telling you. She feels at home with the grandmas and the daycare provider. That's great!

    It's different at home. Naturally, home is different too. I think what you're trying to do is good. I just don't quite get the playdates; here they just play on the floor. Personal preference. Talk to her and reassure her. Tell her that mom is here and that you'll be back soon.

    I understand not taking a crying baby with you. Okay, if you meant it as an example that you don't remove your child from everything, I get it.

    I'm a parent who feels sorry for them. It also comes from my background. It's definitely not my intention to start a discussion or make you feel bad. It's just my perspective. And that's what you're actually asking for. Tips. These are my tips.

  19. Anonymous Guest #20

    Oh yes, my name

    Beertje

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