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Becoming a housewife

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  1. proud_mommy #41

    Linda, I was thinking the same thing. Before I got pregnant, we agreed that I would take care of my little one. Not to a daycare, babysitter, or grandma and grandpa (uncles, aunts, etc.). My son is my responsibility. Everyone has their own opinion. Whoever can't stay home and would rather work should do that. But I'd rather stay with my son. I would go back to work when he starts school, but we're planning for a second soon. So it feels a bit tough to stay home until the second one starts school.

  2. Lot #42

    Bitter?? Whahahahhaha if there's one thing I'm not, it's bitter... I'd become bitter if I stayed at home.. and besides, I give my children a broader perspective and more life space than just being with mom at home.. it's scientifically proven that children who don't go to other childcare than mom/grandparents before their 4th year have a harder time at school (at first), struggle more with rules, and have a harder time making connections.. so yeah.. it's all about what you value as a parent..

  3. Falca #43

    I think it really depends on how kids are raised at home. Whether they're only with mom, don't see any adult relatives outside, or if they regularly play with peers (cousins, neighborhood kids).

    It's also scientifically proven that young children (babies) experience stress when they're not with their trusted caregiver, so it's always questionable what's best.

    Personally, I think you should do what feels right for you and let others be in their own space.

  4. Eline Guest #44

    Hi moms!
    I faced that choice too. I was a nurse, a great job, but I couldn’t combine it with motherhood the way I wanted to, so I stopped. There were tons of comments about how sad it was. And it kind of was.
    But kids are only little once, and time flies. In the end, working from home at times that suit me worked out better for me. Still earning money, but with a good balance between myself and our family. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
    It’s a personal choice for every mom. We’re so quick to judge, aren’t we?

  5. Eline Guest #45

    Hmmm... those question marks weren't supposed to be there! ????

  6. stff48 #46

    Everyone here clearly has a different opinion, which is nice, of course! But that doesn't make someone bitter or anything. It's a choice each person has to make for themselves, but personally, I want to keep working, and my husband does too. Our child will have grandparents who will be amazing at looking after them while we're working. We like to live 'well', and the mortgage and such need to be paid too. But hey, don't shoot me I know opinions are divided on material things here, but I think it's important that I don't have to deny our family anything. But this is MY opinion

  7. Anne #47

    I agree with the working moms above. I think it's a huge pity to stop working at 23 for your future. You're not building anything up and your world becomes very small. Plus, there's a big risk if you break up. But everyone has their own decision and opinion on this.
    I myself will work less for a while (3 days instead of 4) when my daughter is here to be more present for her in the early days. But stopping completely wouldn't be an option for me, regardless of whether it's financially feasible or not.

  8. Tooby #48

    Lot, just a small thing: it's true what you say that it's better for development if kids are with others before their 4th year, but the way you phrase it makes it sound like kids of a stay-at-home mom/housewife never go anywhere but stay home with mom. That's not always true either.

    And to 'childish (anonymous)': assalamu alaikum, I know who you are now. Never mind, I don't want to argue with you anymore, pointless.

    As for the whole discussion: you can never see into someone else's marriage, not like they can themselves. And every person is different. Some are fine not working, others go crazy if they stay home... and both are FINE. There's really no point in tearing each other down for the choices.

    My husband loves that I choose to stay home; it's ideal within our marriage and according to our norms, values, and religious views. Of course, if it becomes necessary, I'll look for work.
    My husband wanted to marry under community of property, not with a prenup; why? Only because he brings in money and I don't? I do 100% of the housework, take care of meals and later the kids. A huge responsibility and definitely work (if you're not just sitting on your butt doing nothing).

  9. Tooby #49

    @Falca, I'm just now reading your reply (haha, a bit late ). Yeah, you do have a point (again, too late).

  10. Gwen #50

    Linda
    "Personally, I don't think a daycare is a place for a baby and I'd recommend everyone to stay home at least during the first year. If you 'can't even think about it', why on earth start having kids? Just for fun?"

    And then a few sentences later:

    "It's not for me to judge."

    I don't think you seriously want to start a discussion about this here?

    Tooby
    I've come across you on this forum before, but may I sincerely compliment you on your mature and well-thought-out response? You once told me that you struggle with expressing yourself properly, but many people can take a lesson from this.

  11. Puck #51

    The funny thing is that everyone here is making it about their own situation. But TS is asking what's best for her regarding prenuptial agreements. So she's taking into account that a relationship (any relationship, for that matter) can fall apart and is trying to prepare for that. In that situation, I really think it's the smartest move to keep gaining work experience. The fact that I think it's a shame for such a young woman to stay at home has nothing to do with it. Ultimately, everyone has to figure that out for themselves.

    As for childcare: I don't have my kid as an extra, but I wholeheartedly chose to have a child, and if it came down to it (if she were sick, for example), I'd drop everything and stay with her. But luckily, she's a healthy, cheerful baby, and I can just keep working. She's having a great time at the daycare, loves the caregivers, and is very interested in the other kids. It's a real enrichment for her, alongside the days she's at home with me or her dad. Not only did I cut back my working hours, but her dad did too. It's just not self-evident that the mother should take care of everything housework and kids.

    Another question for everyone who stays at home: what do you think of women who want to advance in their careers? Are they not allowed to have kids then? Because if you want a good job (in politics, as a doctor, lawyer, etc.), you won't get anywhere if you just sit at home with the kids for six years. After that, your chances are pretty much gone. Do you also think that jobs like these should be reserved for men?

  12. Good vibes only #52

    You're right, Gwen. That's just my personal opinion; I don't think a daycare center is a good place for babies, so I'd rather stay home during those first few years.

    A friend of mine was sighing and groaning last week because daycare and after-school care were closed between Christmas and New Year's. She had time off, but then she had the kids around her all day long. I was literally biting my nails. You choose to focus on the kids, but their presence can quickly become too much... I just can't handle that.

    BUT, on top of that, I think it's even more important that every parent can make their own choices. The most important thing about emancipation is that we're free to do so.

    I find that someone like Lot, in terms of opinion, attitude, and tone, is so incredibly far from me that it makes me really angry.

    With those subsidy pots... My husband and I both studied, and he earns enough that we don't qualify for anything. Too bad, because it would be nice if it were made a bit easier financially for us stay-at-home moms/dads. Maybe more people would make this choice, and society would look a bit nicer!

    And anyway, I'm stopping this discussion. Follow your hearts, girls! Make sure you have a degree so you have something to fall back on if you split up or if your husband passes away. Work if you feel good about it, and stop if that's where your ambition lies. And in a few years, your needs might be somewhere else again! Then you can make different choices.

  13. Good vibes only #53

    And Puck, I wouldn't be able to combine a career and kids, but I don't have that ambition either. But what you're saying, dads can stay home too!

    Besides, for example, in Sweden they have much longer parental leave than here, and it's so common that it doesn't jeopardize your career. Both for men and women, by the way.

  14. Lot #54

    Our society is beautiful when you look at what we have and not at what we lack... and yeah.. me with my little subsidy pots.. I, who paid 30,000 euros in payroll tax this year, am really upset that there are people who DON'T WANT to work and still draw money from pots filled with my tax money.. I'm happy to pay for people who can't, you're supposed to help them as a society..

    And with just a diploma you won't get anywhere without work experience at a certain age... maybe behind the cash register, but by then you're too old for that, too expensive... I have a career and a child.. I work 4 days, she goes to my parents 1 day and to daycare 1 day, the rest I've sorted out with my working hours and leave... I have a career and a child, and no.. I didn't have her for extra (since I take care of her myself 5 out of 7 days...) everything is possible if you just want it...

    Actually, it's a pointless discussion because as a remote worker you'll never understand and admit that work and children go well together, and as a working mother I'll never understand that you stay home with your kids 24/7 and limit your world so much..

    So indeed.. let's stop the discussion.. I'm not the one carrying the burden on my shoulders anyway if it came to that.. so.. what am I worrying about hahahahaa

  15. Good vibes only #55

    Lucky you, you'll get a nice dual-income bonus in return!

    But yeah, the debate is pretty pointless. Fortunately, we both do what feels right for us! And thanks to your comments, I've gained even more insight into how I DON'T want to be. So I did learn something from my empty and limited housewife existence!

  16. Lot #56

    If you learned anything from this discussion, Linda, it only confirms how empty and limited your knowledge is. You should have had this insight long ago if you had made a well-considered decision. A discussion adds nothing to that (if it's done right...).

    By the way, I'm curious about the dual-income bonus... what exactly is that? No childcare allowance? No rent subsidy? No childcare subsidy? No discounts from subsidy pots for my child's sports? No contribution to a VVE program at daycare because of the "too high educational level" of the parents? Income tax that's through the roof? And then having your year-end bonus and holiday pay heavily taxed...? I'm really curious about this bonus; I don't want to miss out on anything, of course... hahahahah

  17. Falca #57

    What do you mean you don't get childcare allowance? Isn't there no income limit? Even with an income of €177,441, you always receive 33.3% childcare allowance for your first child. For the second and each subsequent child, you get 64%. The government encourages everyone to go to work. (Just copied from a site)

    You can always do a trial calculation with the tax office. It's true that low-income households get more, but childcare is also expensive, and otherwise, it doesn't pay to go to work.

    I'm a two-income household and also get childcare allowance. I don't get other allowances because we earn too much for those, but you won't hear me complain about that.

  18. Besje #58

    This is really a personal choice for everyone. Being a stay-at-home mom is often more demanding and less appreciated. I thought I wanted to stay home too, but I finally had a permanent job before I got pregnant. I didn't want to just give that up, even if it wouldn't be a financial problem. I do stay home on Wednesdays now, and that day is really just for quality time with my little one. Besides, I'm also home during all holidays, and in the summer I take unpaid leave. Luckily, my work allows this. So I still have a good balance between work and family (for myself). And I'm now happy with this choice. Because at first, I was afraid I would miss a lot of my child. My mother was a stay-at-home mom and she was always there for me. I'm glad I'm financially independent. Being a stay-at-home mom is courageous because it's hard work continuously caring for little kids. When you work, it's stressful to figure out the puzzle of leave and childcare and sick kids. And then doing the housework late in the evening and on weekends. Everything has its pros and cons.
    Whatever we do, we all do our best to be good mothers.

  19. Tooby #59

    Well said, Besje! I completely agree with you

  20. Falca #60

    That’s exactly that bit of solidarity for distributing the burden according to income, which the Netherlands is known for.
    You could say: well, you should be happy about that, you could’ve ended up with nothing at all.
    Incomes that need 95% support really don’t have much left over to afford luxury things. You only get childcare allowance if both parents work, not if one stays home. Not everyone has the luck to become a doctor or lawyer. There are simply people who have jobs that pay less but are still necessary for society. It’s already bad enough that in the Netherlands you need 95% of childcare covered just to get by a bit when both parents work.
    If everyone got 95% covered, taxes would have to go up to afford that, and guess at which income levels they can most easily collect that money from? After all, you can’t pluck feathers from a bald chicken

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