Becoming a housewife

77 replies · page 1 of 4

LiseGuest · 3 months ago

Dear ladies,

Like many moms, we’ve decided that I’ll stay home with the kids and become a homemaker. However, we actually made this decision a year ago. So I’ve been home for a year already, and I didn’t have a permanent job at the time. I’m 23, my partner is 34 and has a good job. Financially, this isn’t an issue at all. But since we got engaged not too long ago, I’ve been having some doubts/questions.

Let’s say, after a very long time, one of us decides to end the relationship. We don’t plan to, but you never know. What would be left for me (the homemaker)? Since I haven’t worked, I won’t have a pension.

We know absolutely nothing about marriage. What kind of marital property arrangement would be best for a homemaker? I assume marriage with joint property? Is there anything we should definitely arrange so I’m not left with nothing in case of divorce/death?

And do the ladies who have been homemakers for a longer time notice that they have a weaker position compared to their working partner? For example, in discussions. My parents believe that a non-working and a working partner will never be 100% equal.

Replies

Page 1 of 4

stff48 3 months ago #2

We’re married under a community of property regime. So if something happens to one of us, the other is safe, so to speak... As for divorce, well, that really depends on whether you part as friends or enemies, right If your house and accounts are in both your names, they’ll simply be split (unless arranged otherwise).

Personally, I wouldn’t want to stay home every day at 23 years old, but that’s a choice each person has to make for themselves... And if it’s financially feasible, why not? I like to be treated equally to my husband and I value having my own contribution. I’ll have to find a balance later between my family and career, but I think it’s really nice that you can be there for your kids at any time of the day!

If you make good agreements, this can definitely be a success .

Lots of love.
proud_mommy 3 months ago #3

I've been married for 3 years, and I'm also home with my little boy. We chose for me, as the mom, to take care of the little one. Whether things are equal or not depends on the man. How does he see it? My husband treats me as an equal here, which is right. Even though I don't work outside the home, taking care of your child is already a lot. I was 24 when I was home. Honestly, I let things unfold as they come.
Anonymous Guest 3 months ago #4

Personally, I think that how much money you bring into a relationship shouldn't make you feel less or more important in it.
You both put in effort for your relationship and family. One does so by ensuring there's money for bread on the table, and the other makes sure that bread is there and nicely prepared.
If money were the standard for your status, something would be off, because you'd only be equal if you earned exactly the same.
You're equal in your relationship if you don't feel forced by any choice you make.
Choosing to work or not is a decision you should make yourself. In your situation, a community of property would give you more security just in case. A will can also be handy.
Plus, you can always choose to work in the future if you feel the need for it.
Tooby 3 months ago #5

Now imagine, after a very long time, that one of us two puts an end to our relationship. We don't plan to do this, but you never know. What would be left for me (the homemaker)? Since I haven't worked and therefore won't have a pension.

If you're not married, there's little left; you'd have to start working (and rely on social assistance until then).

We know absolutely nothing about getting married. Which marital property regime would be best for a homemaker? I assume marriage with joint property? Is there something we definitely need to arrange so I don't end up with nothing after a divorce/death?
If you're worried, joint property is the best option. If you don't have enough income, you'll receive alimony from him; you don't have a job because of your family, and if the marriage falls apart, there should be support for you from your (then ex-)partner.

Do the ladies who have been homemakers for a long time notice that they have a weaker position compared to their working partner? For example, in discussions. My parents think that non-working and working partners will never be 100% equal.
I am equal to my husband; he works outside the home, I work at home. I do it for free and he doesn't, but that doesn't make us any less equal. In discussions, for example, well... I feel like I actually have a stronger position, because I can't argue about my husband's work, but he can certainly argue about the housework; but in that area, I'm superior, because that's my job, and if I want to clean the bathroom on Monday instead of Tuesday, he has nothing to say about it. I don't decide on his work either.
Other points of discussion are simply equal, like for everyone else; sometimes he knows more than I do, sometimes the other way around, but I certainly don't have a weaker position.
Anonymous Guest 3 months ago #6

What my parents mean by inequality is that your friend, if you did something that wasn’t okay for him, would ALWAYS just leave and take care of himself, follow his own plan. Not you. That creates an unequal dynamic that’s very different from not earning the same amount of money.
And that’s what I’m worried about...
Anonymous Guest 3 months ago #7

Wow, how many forums do you visit? Is the right answer still not among them?

Googling and going to a notary. I wouldn't choose that myself.
Falca 3 months ago #8

If that’s what you’re afraid of, you’d have to marry under a community of goods regime. That means you’d always have a right to 50% of whatever you’ve built up at that time. Keep in mind that this also applies to debts like the mortgage. As for your income after a possible divorce, that depends on what you agree on and how the situation is.

On the link below from SNS Bank, you’ll find some brief information on this.
https://www.snsbank.nl/particulier/service/scheiden/partneralimentatie.html?adtype=SEA.NB.Search.Content.Scheiden&adrecip=google&s_kwcid=AL!6157!3!235920709416!e!!g!!partner%20alimentatie&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI996nmrWD3wIVCud3Ch3KIAP2EAAYAiAAEgIMkfD_BwE

By the way, it’s always advisable to at least obtain a diploma in something that can help you earn a living. What if something happens and your husband can no longer work? Then you’ll at least have a backup plan. This doesn’t mean you should start working right now, but make sure you have something you could do if needed, something you’d enjoy doing. A smart girl is always prepared for her future.
Anonymous Guest 3 months ago #9

What a pity. 23 and staying at home. Although you could work 1 or 2 days a week. Good for your social contacts, you stay up to date but also good for your development. There are no kids yet. So why stay at home now?
Tooby 3 months ago #10

Anonymous (Guest)
What a pity. 23 and staying at home. Although you go work 1 or 2 days a week. Good for your social contacts, you stay up to date but also good for your development. There are no kids yet. So why stay at home now.

What does age matter for? Not everyone wants to work or have colleagues as social contacts, that's just their choice, right? Development doesn't really go backwards. I'm 25 years old and have been a housewife for 5 years.
Lovely.

Anonymous (Guest) (post creator I think?)
'' What my parents mean by inequality is that your boyfriend, if you did something that wasn't okay for him, would ALWAYS just leave and take care of himself, follow his own plan. You wouldn't. That creates an unequal position which is very different from not earning exactly the same amount of money.
And that's why I'm worried about it.. ''

Yes regarding opportunities ''for yourself'' is of course less, but if you have a boyfriend/man who already leaves at the smallest little disagreement, you're not in a good spot with him anyway.
Snoepjes 3 months ago #11

I totally agree with proud mommy! It really depends on a man's perspective; if he abuses his position, you already know what kind of guy he is.
In our case, that's totally not the situation, but what I struggle with is that I find it really hard to spoil myself or buy something for myself now. It's silly! So it's nice when hubby encourages you to keep doing it and that it's just okay (of course in moderation haha!)
We're not married in community of property, and we both hope nothing happens to end our marriage, but IF that were to happen, I know we'd make it easy for each other.
proud_mommy 3 months ago #12

Haha sweets, so that's me too. When we go shopping, I almost never pick anything out for myself. And he's always like... "come on, pick something, pick something for yourself." I always pick things for him and my son, but almost never for myself. Then he picks something nice for me.
Snoepjes 3 months ago #13

Oh my, you guys are just like us, indeed hahaha! Secretly I'm glad about it, but sometimes I think, ah, I'd really like to have my own cash again. But then I see how happy I can make my family and how COMPLETELY chaotic it is when I'm sick and everyone appreciates "what I always do," and then I think this is soooo worth it. And not to mention that I get to experience all the beautiful moments of my kids MYSELF.
proud_mommy 3 months ago #14

Yeah, exactly. I've been there too. I want to work etc. And indeed, when you're sick everything comes to a halt hahaha. I'm also super happy to see all the developments of my little man myself, instead of on camera or not at all.
Snoepjes 3 months ago #15

Ah, that's so lovely, exactly like a proud mummy! And btw, there are tons of extra work-from-home jobs. I want to do tutoring, babysitting, cleaning, or (which I want to pick back up with the kids when they're a bit older) volunteer work with the elderly.
Anonymous Guest 3 months ago #16

Honestly, I think you're right that age doesn't matter if you don't want to work. On the other hand, I see that as pure laziness rather than wisdom. At any age. (Assuming no kids, illness, pregnancy, or other necessity.)

You fall behind in development... hmm, well, in some aspects... But there's undoubtedly other development going on.

But this is of course completely off-topic.

Being a stay-at-home mom makes sense if you fully support it and the situation with your partner and everything else makes it possible, so why not? Personally, I'd still like to earn some of my own money and maintain some independence. Even if things go wrong despite good intentions, you'd still have a stepping stone. Yes, I also think it's good that you have your own diploma, as mentioned earlier. You never know if something might happen... it doesn't have to be a divorce... where you suddenly find yourself standing on your own two feet. Plus, I really enjoy my social life outside of caring for my child.
Good vibes only 3 months ago #17

I'm a stay-at-home mom too. We went on a long trip for a few months after my contract ended, and then I got pregnant right away and didn't go back to work. I'm really happy with my choice. Finances are a bit tighter for us, which makes things tough sometimes. It also took over two years to have a second child, so that added some stress. My husband and I are on equal footing. We do sometimes argue about who has it harder, him with his job or me with the housework and our child.

Practically: We're married under community of property, bought a house together when I was still working, and have a life insurance policy with the mortgage that pays off part of the house and significantly reduces the monthly costs if one of us passes away. If we were to divorce, I'd have to go back to work. I have my diploma and work experience, so I'm not too worried about that. Once the kids are older, I definitely want to work again anyway.

Regarding what your parents say... I think it's nonsense. We're together voluntarily because we love each other and want to build a life together. If I want to leave, I'll leave and find a way to keep my head above water. Same for him. Money has nothing to do with it.

I don't feel financially dependent on him either. We're a family, a team; his income is ours jointly.

And regarding age... just do what feels right! If you're ready for it now and your partner supports you, go for it!

Social connections come from other things too, like friendships, family, and hobbies. It's not just about work.
Tooby 3 months ago #18

''On the other hand, I think that's more pure laziness than wisdom. For every age group. (Unless there are no children, illness, pregnancy, or other necessity)''

Anonymous (Guest), laziness? You think housewives have absolutely nothing to do? I think you're just damn jealous that you can't afford to stay at home.
Women who can stay at home and do so are actually wise. We don't choose to work, then come home and immediately go into the kitchen to cook, only to spend all our free time in the evening or on weekends doing laundry, housework, and such (or does your house look like a dump?). We manage our life-time much better; because we can. That's not lazy, that's efficient and therefore wise, and definitely not lazy because when the partner works, we also work; on the house.

You also talk as if a stay-at-home mom/woman has no independence and no money. I have more savings than my husband and I'm basically a self-employed entrepreneur (I don't work for a boss, okay).
Anonymous Guest 3 months ago #19

I think 23 is quite young. If you work, even if it's just 1 or 2 days a week, you're really more established in life. You're also challenged and stimulated in a different way.
Snoepjes 3 months ago #20

I find it really hilarious that you're telling me how I should be more present in life, considering I'm absolutely happy and enjoying myself just fine.
Besides, I'm following a home-schooling program (for personal development and challenge), I exercise, and I naturally meet up a lot with friends (who happen to be my age and have made the same choices).
I've studied, consciously married the love of my life, have beautiful children, and a wonderful, loving family and circle of friends.
That working two days a week made you a happy person at 23 is genuinely nice for you, but please don't try to convince me that that's the deciding factor for happiness for every person. Please. Let people just live their lives, okay!

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