Forum Parenting

HELP!

41 replies · page 1 of 3

anoniem1994
Hi everyone!

I’m dealing with a problem and don’t know how to handle it. My boyfriend is struggling to cope with our little boy. My son is almost always smiling, but when he does cry, my boyfriend doesn’t know how to deal with it. He’s always had a short fuse, even before our son was born. When our son cries, my boyfriend shakes him to make him stop (result: he cries even harder). I thought maybe he was hungry, so I offered him a biscuit. My boyfriend shoved the biscuit into his mouth to silence him (result: even more crying). Then I tried the bottle, and my boyfriend started squeezing it, saying he’d have to swallow now (result: my son completely lost it). In the first few months, our son had a lot of colic and cried a lot (I struggled with it too, but stayed relatively calm or just walked away for a bit).

Whenever I’m out and come home later, I almost always find our son crying hard. I find this really difficult, especially since I’ve seen what he does. (He already made a hole in the door; he did that before we had a child.)

What hurts me the most is that he’s said a few times: “It’s just that I have a kid now, but I’d rather not.” Or: “This is why I hate kids.”

Does anyone have advice for me?

Replies

Page 1 of 3

  1. anoniem1994 started this #2

    I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

  2. * #3

    Anonymous 94, do you know that shaking can cause brain damage to your baby, and that he can choke on the milk... The only thing I want to say is: get your baby checked and leave this man because this is unhealthy for your baby and for you too. AND I WOULD NOT LET MY SON BE ALONE WITH HIM ANYMORE.

  3. Nannie ❤ #4

    I'm so shocked by this! Exactly what Lotus said! And what if your child gets older, will your boyfriend hit him then? Or worse? This is abuse, both physical and emotional, and if you allow this as a mother by staying with him, you're just as guilty. This might hit hard, but prevention is better than cure! Take action and leave to prevent worse!
    As I read it, this behavior is in your boyfriend's nature and it won't change with just a little help.

  4. anoniem1994 started this #5

    I don't dare leave him alone with him either. At first he did it more often and thought things were fine now. Unfortunately, everything is starting over again. He only takes my son to daycare in the mornings by himself. When I'm away for longer, I usually make sure he goes to my parents. I'll be doing an internship soon and will often be out in the evenings when he's home. I don't know if he picks him up from my parents or not. I feel like I have no control over that.

    I find this so hard!

    I didn't know about the brain damage. That really startled me!!

    He's going to talk to someone next. I don't feel it's fair to leave him for that. Shouldn't I give him another chance to change? Or have I already given him enough chances? My mother-in-law says it could take a year for my partner to change in this regard..

  5. Nannie ❤ #6

    Your baby is already being formed, but unfortunately, your partner's behavior has already caused significant damage. This could have long-term effects into adulthood.
    You can't convince me that you're happy with this man. Choose your child and yourself, and find a way forward. If necessary, let him visit the child under supervision, with family or professional support.

    Is your partner open to therapy or counseling?

  6. anoniem1994 started this #7

    After starting over again and again, he finally made an appointment. He talked in the first months and got tasks to work on, but they didn't work out, and then he had medication and never went back. (Now he's off medication.) Things were going well, and I thought we'd have a happy family now. (I already had wedding plans and was thinking about having a second child.) But now that it's starting up again, I don't know what to do, and I definitely don't dare to have another child with him.

  7. Nannie ❤ #8

    Those plans are illusions. The desire to do things as well as possible and to make your wishes come true, but dear, you will truly, really regret it when you go ahead with this. You will surely meet a good man in your life with whom you can still make these wishes come true, but then as a genuinely happy family and not from an illusion. Be wise and use your head in this case!

  8. Nannie ❤ #9

    I'm telling you this because I've had to make similar choices myself. I was a single mom for 7 years, but I'm so glad I pushed through, no matter how hard it was. And I can honestly say I'm happy with a new man in my life now.

  9. anoniem1994 started this #10

    Lotus, I've seen the images. I only got out of the second one what I wanted to. It looks really good!
    I can't speak English at all, so I don't understand any of the text (shame)

    We just bought another house together. We'll be able to move in there in about a month. It's a semi-detached house that we want to convert into one. I'm really torn about whether it would be better for me to live on one side with my son and for him to live on the other side.

  10. * #11

    That's sad that you just bought a house.. But I would seriously get my son checked out.. It could be that the brain damage is getting worse because your friend shook him.. And I would really get professional help involved regarding your friend and make sure he actually does it.. Because it's not healthy..

  11. anoniem1994 started this #12

    Thanks, ladies, for all the replies! Plenty to think about. I need to work first and then do the groceries. My boyfriend is back tonight, so I probably won't be able to reply again until tomorrow. Enjoy the nice weather while it lasts!

  12. onskindje #13

    Oh Oh Oh,

    It's scandalous that your friend treats your son like that! The baby could indeed have brain damage! And what I don't understand at all is that you're asking for help. There are ladies here who give you very good advice on how to leave your husband, yet you have wedding plans and still want another child Sorry, but if my husband treated my daughter like that, he could leave the house too. I couldn't even think about my husband squeezing the bottle so that my daughter could choke.

    But of course, you have to figure it all out yourself, but I wish your son lots of strength with his father!

  13. anoniem1994 started this #14

    I'm also happy with the advice I've received.
    Yeah, it went well again, so I had those plans. But now it's starting up again, and all those plans have disappeared.

  14. Anonymous Guest #15

    Bad sign!

    I'm going to leave your man! This just can't be. Scandalous things like this!

  15. Nannie ❤ #16

    How did he express himself before you had a child? Did he hit you?

  16. Cutiex #17

    I also left that guy!

    If my boyfriend ever squeezes the bottle while the little one is drinking, he could choke? Brr, I can't even think about it. And shaking the little one when he's crying? Oh, poor baby! How can you allow this? How can you just stay with him?

  17. anoniem1994 started this #18

    No, he’s never hit me.
    Whenever he felt anger rising and wanted to hit, he would grab a door or a laptop or something else nearby and break it.

    I talked to him again yesterday.
    If all goes well, he’s going to pick up a book on how to raise a child, and next week he has another appointment with a woman to talk.

    His mom is coming over on Saturday, and I’ll talk to her about it too.

  18. Cutiex #19

    how was the conversation with his mom?

    I'm curious if your husband is really going to do something about it!

  19. anoniem1994 started this #20

    Unfortunately, the conversation with his mom didn't yield anything. She says: if your GP doesn't know what to do, maybe you should go to another one to see if they can make a diagnosis. She said she'd talk to her husband about it starting Thursday and would let us know by last Saturday. But that was basically her answer. I have a feeling his dad/mom is hiding something or something like that...

    He was supposed to pick up a booklet: how to raise my child. Unfortunately (as expected), he didn't pick it up. He said the booklet is already checked out according to the website and that our son is almost always happy, so the booklet wouldn't be useful anyway.

    He has another appointment tomorrow with someone from the GGZ. If that doesn't bring any results either, I don't know what the solution should be.

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