From Baby to Toddler
fatherhood is disappointing
Hanneke
From the day our daughter was born, my husband never really had those paternal feelings everyone talks about. I kept telling myself it would come eventually. Now our daughter is already 1 year old and it’s still the same. Since she was 3 months old, dad has been taking care of her one day a week. He always really wanted to do this himself. Dealing with the little one causes him a lot of stress. He’s not really a talker, so I can’t really figure out what exactly is causing the stress. It also makes him very sad that it’s all so heavy. Sometimes he cries out in despair that he should never have started this. That he’s so unhappy like this. It hurts me so much. I try to stay strong, but it’s getting harder and harder. That’s why I’m posting this now. What should I do?!
Replies
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Madelene #2
Hanneke, that sounds tough to read about your situation.
It's tricky, well, some men have a hard time adjusting to fatherhood. We feel the baby for 9 months in our belly and actually already have a bond with it before birth. For us, it really starts in the womb.
But for men, that's not the case, so the bond has to grow.
I don't have experience with this myself; my man wanted to do everything and help from day 1, even to the point where I started getting annoyed with him.
We argued because I wanted to bathe her while he really wanted to do it.
He thought he knew everything better, according to him.
He wanted to be involved in everything and do it himself with the little one, probably scared that something might happen. Pfff, it's sweet and beautiful that he's so involved, but also so exhausting and intense.
He offered to do the night feedings, but I declined because I wanted to breastfeed her, so only I could do that. Fortunately, he was okay with that.
Now he does more in terms of upbringing for certain things than I do, but I'm more used to it now.
But well, it's difficult if he's not a talker.
You're better off not trying to force a reaction out of him because that only pushes him away.
If a man has the idea that he has to talk, he automatically shuts himself off even further, and that's exactly what you don't want.
Do you know exactly what he finds so heavy about parenthood?
Greetings, Madelene -
Esra♡♥ #3
Hi Hanneke.. give him the feeling that it’s okay if his feelings are less than your average parent.. try not to force it, that works counterproductively. Maybe you could talk to the GP or a psychologist?? Often there’s an underlying reason that has nothing to do with your daughter herself, but purely with him, and he doesn’t even realize it.. once that’s resolved, there will hopefully be room in his heart for your beautiful daughter. Often, these kinds of problems point to a sense of anxiety in the man himself and insecurity, and they express this by distancing themselves a bit more from the baby. That takes a bit longer for some than for others. Anyway, make sure he sees that you support him. Maybe try to arrange for someone else to take care of that one day a week that he would do. That could be a relief for him and maybe he’ll then seek out your daughter himself. Good luck x
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