I don't want to be pregnant.

Hi,

I’m 8w1d pregnant today. The pregnancy wasn’t planned though; I missed one pill, took it too late afterwards, and it was immediately effective.

Even though I have a good relationship and the means to raise a child, I don’t want this baby. I’ve never had a desire for children, and I can even say that I don’t think it’s responsible to have kids in these times. I’m also very attached to my freedom; I’ve been traveling the whole world for years to work on projects. Something I could never give up or want to give up.
My boyfriend wants it though. Even though it wasn’t meant to be pregnant, he is very happy that he’s going to have a child with me.

We talked a lot at first about keeping it or getting rid of it. My first idea was an abortion, but on the other hand, I found that difficult. I didn’t take my pill properly, didn’t get a MAP, so I shouldn’t run away from my responsibility. I also live with a huge 'everything happens for a reason' mindset and I like my boyfriend. So I tried to convince myself that keeping it is the right thing to do.

After a while, I realized that was just an illusion, that I couldn’t keep convincing myself.

I also have a heavy history of sexual abuse, so examinations are not easy for me. But abortion is difficult for that reason too. I’m now too late for an abortion pill, and a curettage simply can’t work for me. It’s not a matter of just 'getting over it' because it’s not that simple.
How do I think about being able to bring a child into the world? At least not very responsibly, and I’m ashamed of that. I’m not capable of doing one internal examination, and a natural birth won’t work either. I’m capable of locking myself up somewhere and doing it alone, it’s that deep.

Yesterday we had an appointment with the gynecologist. Externally we didn’t get clear images, internally it didn’t work. But we did hear the little heart. I hoped it would help with my feelings, but it didn’t. My boyfriend was happy, I felt nothing, no emotion at all.

Except for my boyfriend, no one knows about my pregnancy. As long as I can’t accept it, I can’t get it out of my mouth. I’m ashamed of my pregnancy and every congrats would hurt me.
He would like to tell this weekend, I wish this whole thing was a nightmare. I don’t know what to do right now.
I can’t talk to anyone about my real feelings because they are anything but appropriate. Although my boyfriend knows them, and it really hurts him that I have these feelings.

An abortion would really be the solution for me, but I’m not capable of it. But secretly also not capable of the examinations that come with a pregnancy. Everything is so deep. Even sex is very difficult for me, if anyone would find that contradictory.

Can someone help me? Someone who doesn’t have a big need to rub in my face that I’m a scandalous person. For me this is a big problem and I’m looking for a way to process this and to deal with it. I also know I’m wrong. I’m ashamed of my feelings.

Greetings