So much uncertainty, so much doubt

Hi everyone, I hope I can share my story with you all and that you might be able to reassure me a bit, since I tend to be a bit of a doom-monger.

My pregnancy has been anything but smooth sailing, from the first blood test right up to now at 21 weeks. The day my GP told me I was pregnant, there was already a catch: 'Congratulations, you're pregnant, but your pregnancy hormone levels are so low that this is probably not a normal pregnancy.' From joy to immense sadness. Later that afternoon, my GP called back to say that after consulting with the gynecologist, it was likely a normal pregnancy after all, but that I was just less pregnant than they had thought. Back to a little bit of hope.

At 6 weeks, I had my first appointment with the gynecologist: Besides the gestational sac and the tiny flickering light that was supposed to represent the heartbeat, I also had a 5 cm cyst and found out that I suffer from PCOS (cysts on the ovaries resulting in reduced fertility). But hey, I was pregnant and everything seemed to be going well.

On the next scans, at 9 weeks and 12 weeks, everything looked perfect; we had nothing to worry about. We got the papers for the NIPT and were eager to find out the gender. Attempt 1 of the NIPT: Too little fetal DNA, so we went to give blood again and completed attempt 2. Result of attempt 2: Too little fetal DNA, and based on that result, the university hospital recommended an amniocentesis. My gynecologist reassured me that everything on the 12-week scan was perfectly fine, that I am young and healthy, and that there was no reason for an invasive method like amniocentesis. Of course, you trust your gynecologist, because that's what they're there for. There was no further explanation as to why the NIPT didn't work for me.

At 16 weeks, I had an appointment with the midwife. She was going to show us the gender, everything seemed fine, and after a long search, we finally got a view of the gender. Due to the absence of a penis, she concluded that it was going to be a girl.

Feeling reassured, we went for a detailed scan at 20 weeks and 5 days. The first images seemed fine, but when I asked: 'It's still a girl, right?', they went back to searching for a clear image where the gender was visible. After 15 minutes of trying, I saw worried looks on the faces of both my gynecologist and the midwife: They couldn't say for sure what it was. The labia looked too big and thick to be a girl, and for a boy, it didn't look like a penis and testicles at all. Furthermore, she also noticed a bulge under the navel that she couldn't explain. That's when the alarm bells started ringing. With worried faces, they told me I should better get a scan done at a university hospital and possibly have an amniocentesis. Cautiously, they also started talking about chromosomal sex abnormalities that can occur and that we need to get a complete picture of what we might be facing.

So here I am at 3 AM, haven't closed my eyes, and all I'm doing is crying. Tomorrow I'll know more when I have an appointment at the university hospital. The uncertainty it brings is simply terrible. For a week now, I've been feeling our little sprout move, which makes the news even worse. My husband says I'm overthinking and that I should wait and see what the scan says, but the worried faces of the gynecologist and midwife are running through my head.

As mentioned at the top, I'm a doom-monger and think the worst... Suppose it has an abnormality, what do we do then? From the beginning, we said that in case of an abnormality, we would terminate the pregnancy, but indeed, easier said than done. From the moment you feel your baby, you feel that there is life, but considering our lives, I know we can't handle a child with an abnormality, but can I go through with a termination? Mentally and physically, this seems like something that scars you for life, and how do you just continue with your life after that? The worst part is that right now I just feel like a failing woman, who can't even give her husband a healthy child. I'm disappointing my whole circle.

Waiting and seeing will be the message