Mothers
Working after stillbirth
sanne
Hey everyone,
Didn't know where to put my question. So I'll just drop it here...
We became parents to a star daughter last December (23 weeks).
We are lucky enough to already have 2 boys. Of course, our baby wish doesn't stop...and we would like to start trying for a 4th child. Now it's of course not that far yet and I'm wondering how I should get through a next pregnancy.
Just a background sketch:
- 1st son: dysmature and born at 37 weeks (hidden pregnancy-induced hypertension)
- 2nd son: part of a twin, one fetus died early. Born at 33 weeks so premature
- 3rd pregnancy: early miscarriage 6-8 weeks
- 4th pregnancy and thus our daughter: heart stopped at 23 weeks
Never had any problems getting pregnant and the doctor also doesn't say we should put away our wish. We just had bad luck with our daughter.
But how do you get through that period? I'll never be at ease being pregnant again...
And then there's this...when to go back to work? I don't feel remotely ready for it yet. Luckily no one is putting pressure on me though. Would love to connect with fellow sufferers!
Didn't know where to put my question. So I'll just drop it here...
We became parents to a star daughter last December (23 weeks).
We are lucky enough to already have 2 boys. Of course, our baby wish doesn't stop...and we would like to start trying for a 4th child. Now it's of course not that far yet and I'm wondering how I should get through a next pregnancy.
Just a background sketch:
- 1st son: dysmature and born at 37 weeks (hidden pregnancy-induced hypertension)
- 2nd son: part of a twin, one fetus died early. Born at 33 weeks so premature
- 3rd pregnancy: early miscarriage 6-8 weeks
- 4th pregnancy and thus our daughter: heart stopped at 23 weeks
Never had any problems getting pregnant and the doctor also doesn't say we should put away our wish. We just had bad luck with our daughter.
But how do you get through that period? I'll never be at ease being pregnant again...
And then there's this...when to go back to work? I don't feel remotely ready for it yet. Luckily no one is putting pressure on me though. Would love to connect with fellow sufferers!
Replies
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Anonymous Guest #2
First of all, strength during this period, and take your time to process everything.
Reading your history, I’d think it’s really impressive if you ever have a carefree pregnancy again, given so many special things happened in your previous pregnancies.
I myself became pregnant again right after giving birth to my first child, who I lost at 31 weeks. This time, I had a healthy baby. I divided the pregnancy into stages for myself to keep it manageable. First, the first ultrasound (is there a heartbeat?), then the 12-week milestone, then the 20-week ultrasound (does everything look good?), then the 24-week milestone (viability), the 30-week milestone (when my membranes broke with baby #1), the 31-week milestone (when baby #1 was born), and finally the birth itself (is there a cry?). Of course, I talked a lot during the period between the births of #1 and #2, and sometimes still, given the sense of loss remains.
I took the full maternity leave after baby #1. That was enough for me; I could use the distraction of work again, but that’s personal for everyone. My husband also spent a few weeks on sick leave during that period to process everything. Fortunately, there was understanding at his workplace. -
sanne started this #3
Strength for everything you've had to endure! I wish you lots of strength, because it's so brave of you both to have gone through with it. I've also started splitting things up now, and that already helped a bit, so I'm sure that if we're pregnant again in the future, I'll definitely do it again. I know the sense of loss will always remain, and we don't want another child to replace our daughter, but because we feel our little family isn't complete yet and we don't want to regret not trying later. Normally, we were expecting a girl (after two boys), and my husband is really afraid it'll be a boy again... he wanted a daughter so badly... I'll just be happy if we're blessed with another child and if the baby is healthy. Was that the case for you too? I'd really like to know more... it still feels so raw and unreal... -
Anonymous Guest #4
Getting pregnant with baby #2 wasn't really planned, but we did want another child. We had to wait 6 months (to do it properly) because baby #1 was born via emergency C-section, and since we had been trying for 4 years before baby #1 was born, we didn't expect baby #2 to get pregnant on the first try. We didn't care what gender it would be, as long as it was healthy, since we didn't have another child to care for yet. Although I was happy it was a girl, since baby #1 was a boy. Then I might have been even more devastated if something had gone wrong. But as you say, one child will never be able to replace the other.
It will still feel unreal in the coming days. It's not how it should be; you're not supposed to have to carry your child to their grave. You've lived for so long looking forward to a new life in your family, and this is just hard and unreal.
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