man texting with female colleague

Tricky! For us, this would really be a big issue because we both feel you shouldn't do things like that with someone else! Isn't that basically flirting +!
But I guess it varies per relationship... If you guys are more open about it. It doesn't necessarily mean anything, of course.
In a previous relationship, I was once caught texting another guy. I was much younger then, and nothing ever came of it, but my boyfriend at the time didn't make a big deal out of it either. Now I'd be furious!
It really depends on where your boundaries lie. And I think you should listen to yourself on that, regardless of what others think. What do you think? Although that's hard to determine with all those hormones, of course!
I don't know you at all, but I hope everything works out for you!

Hi Linda,

Thanks for your message.

I really don't like it either, and it does catch me off guard a bit—we've never had this before. He says I shouldn't read too much into it, but he's not really into phones/messages etc. So I find it weird that he reacts to it like this; he's usually very brief in texts to everyone, and this is the complete opposite.

He's at work right now, and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight, but I'm not sure how to bring it up yet.

I'm feeling more grumpy about it, leaning towards anger that he reacted like I'm crazy when he's the one sending it.

Thanks for your kind words!

Hi Anon,

That's really tough, and I can totally see why this is weighing on your mind.

I've been in a similar situation myself (I wasn't pregnant then). I caught my boyfriend texting a girl. Nothing specific was discussed, but there was clearly 'something' in the air.

As Linda already pointed out, what you're describing is definitely flirting in my eyes.

I confronted my boyfriend back then. He had a similar reaction: denial, blushing, and swearing that nothing was going on... After a cooling-off period, I brought it up again, and he admitted he understood it had gone too far. He swore nothing physical happened and that it stayed at flirting.

But this still gives you a blow to your trust, regardless of what's actually going on. Your partner needs to understand this and give you the space you need. Answer your questions and try to ease your doubts as much as possible.

Please let your feelings speak, and hopefully, your partner can support you through this.

Well... Linda gives the best answer! I don't know, I'm probably too jealous for that! But do other things stand out? The classics; working too much, suddenly using air freshener, new underwear, asking if he looks good, etc....?

Hey anonymous, that's really sad! Personally, I also think there's nothing wrong with an innocent flirt or just being friendly. But when you start calling each other 'sweetheart' or 'love', all my alarm bells go off. The 'x' at the end doesn't bother me that much, that's standard nowadays. But a pet name would make me jealous.

Tell him tonight honestly that you feel hurt. That you trust him to make the right decision and put a stop to this. I also completely agree with Toesie, this has quite a blow to the trust.

Tricky.. I'm not a jealous person by nature, and neither is my boyfriend.
That they send each other an app x means absolutely nothing, that's normal nowadays..
He only replies with "nice and cozy x" which I personally don't find very interested or engaging, just normal and polite?
Pet names, well.. I also call a friend of mine "schat" (darling). "Lekkertje" (yum-yum) feels like a step too far to me, especially since it's a colleague of the opposite gender..
I can't judge, I don't know how they interact with each other or what it means.
You could express how you feel about this and ask for clarification?

Wishing you lots of success/strength. Don't let them get to you!

Hi anonymous, first of all, I think it’s really awful for you to have to read something like this. I can totally imagine you being shocked by it.

To be completely honest about how things are with us and how I see it: my husband never receives texts or phone calls from women. Not even from female colleagues. I think that’s totally unacceptable and unprofessional. I find it inappropriate and disrespectful.

I’ll be very honest and admit that I unfortunately once started texting a male colleague who was having a hard time in his marriage at home. He relied a lot on my support. But my husband was devastated by it; he read my SMS messages and called it emotional cheating. He was devastated for months. He never expected this from me. He wanted me to cut off contact, and I did.

Fortunately, my husband is doing a bit better now, but for months he hadn’t been eating or sleeping properly. He was a wreck; it really took a toll on him. I feel so much regret about my contact with that colleague. That colleague also had feelings for me. He wasn’t just looking for support, which was naive of me.

My husband himself never goes out with friends, doesn’t like pubs, only goes out with me. He’s always busy with the kids when he’s not working. I have his Facebook password. He only has family and men on his Facebook, no women.

Look, what kind of text your husband gets from that female colleague, I find extremely inappropriate. If she dares to send such texts to him, there’s more behind it. Otherwise, she wouldn’t dare to send them. From this, you can unfortunately conclude that they are quite casual with each other. It’s obvious that she finds him more than just a colleague.

Hey, it sounds like, sorry for my wording, if he gets excited by her and sees her as a treat. The fact that she talks like that already says a lot about their interaction.

I would text her back and tell her not to send such texts to your husband anymore, that he has nothing lacking at home, and that she should stop texting him. And to your husband, I would say cut off the SMS contact immediately, even if he’s behaving himself properly. She’s clearly trying to make a move on your husband. Don’t let him be tempted. Protect your marriage.

Receiving a text from a woman calling him a "treat" is never, ever okay. That’s not right, and a friendship between a man and a woman often doesn’t go well. Feelings will eventually come into play.

That’s why we have an agreement: no friendships with women for him, and no friendships with men for me. Why risk being tempted? Stop that girl from messing with your husband and tempting him.

Greetings, Madelene

Linn, thank you for your honest opinion.
It might come across as narrow-minded, but
it's probably true that for you and maybe some other people, friendship with the opposite sex can work, but usually feelings or some kind of tension are lurking around the corner.
But that doesn't necessarily apply to everyone.
I mean, usually.
And apart from that, I don't really think it sounds like friendship that she calls him "sweetie" in her SMS to him; to me, that already indicates that this lady sees more in him.
No one should call my man "sweetie."
I find that very inappropriate, especially when sending it to a married colleague.
Besides, every man is sensitive to attention, and if they receive SMS like that and are called that, it can be soothing for them, but that's not the intention.
The intention is that he gets that from his own wife.
So maybe it would be a good idea to call him that too, so it doesn't become special for him to hear it from another woman.
Linn, you're absolutely right; I also treated my husband disrespectfully and hurt him more than I could know, but I've learned from that.
He still has a hard time with it from time to time, even though it happened last August.
But it's always getting better, and slowly his pain is decreasing.
So yes, I can only agree with you.
Greetings, Madelene

I think it’s quite a peculiar story too.
So a man supposedly can’t get along with a woman because they usually develop feelings .
Wow, then neither of us (me and him) have "goes" for each other.
We’ll just date separately if it works out, and I work with men while he has women in his close circle.
I’d better give Madeleine the tip to take a critical look at her marriage and whether you’re both doing each other a huge disservice? By only focusing on each other and some family members. The world is bigger than that! I once had a boyfriend when I was 16 where I wasn’t allowed to have any contact with boys, couldn’t go to the city without him, couldn’t go swimming, etc. While trust is supposed to be the foundation of your relationship!!
On the other hand, if you’re happy with this, then definitely go for it.

Greetings, mouse

Muis, I get your train of thought.
I also got young with my husband; I was just under 17 and he was already a bit older, 27.
But Muis, we don't just have each other like
you describe. My husband and I have friends we hang out with, but they are all married
just like us, and we socialize as families.
It's not like I go out alone with a friend, for example, to do something together.
And he doesn't either; he also finds the idea weird
to text or call other women.
We also go on holiday together, but with our friends who have families.
Just in that way.
He would never do anything alone with a woman
and expects the same from me.
I also have his Facebook password; he chats with male friends, male colleagues, and family.
But not with other women.
And we lack nothing; I just made one mistake by helping a married colleague who was in a deep hole, but got too involved with him
and caused my husband a lot of pain.
But again, I've learned from that.
Greetings, Madelene

Girls, don't stress each other out. Every couple is different and should do what feels comfortable for them. What's totally normal for one person might be a no-go for another. Anyway...

You should respect each other's boundaries, and in every relationship, mistakes happen. So, if mistakes happen, give each other some space to make them.

This was advice requested by an anonymous user. She got it (hope you figure things out!). But with 10 different couples, you get 10 different pieces of advice.

@Liesje I completely agree

I wouldn't take it personally either. Especially the word "lekkertje." One 'x' doesn't really mean anything, but I think it's a bit shady that I have to go to work today just because you're there. Just ask how things stand. That's what I'd do. Good luck.

Hi ladies,

Wow, so many replies.
Thanks so much for taking the time, that's really sweet of you!

My husband and I talked about it a lot. At first, he brushed it off lightly, saying I shouldn't read too much into it and that he didn't mean anything by it (he also mentioned that the 'x' just comes up automatically and that he does look at guys too, which is true). He was surprised that I was digging deeper, so we both went to bed a bit grumpy. The next day, he brought it up again from work because it was bothering him, and we discussed everything. He read the messages in front of me and admitted that if he put himself in my shoes, it didn't seem appropriate. I made it clear that it hurt me, and I expect it to stop. If they need to contact each other for work, it should just be "normal." According to my husband, she definitely didn't mean anything by it (I hope so ). I'm glad we talked about it, and I expect him to cut it off.

Thanks again everyone!

Nice to read!

Beautifully happy

but keep in mind that it's really nice that your husband understands how inappropriate her behavior is, and it's great that he considers your feelings and that such remarks don't belong coming from a colleague to him. But when he says she didn't mean anything by it, I have strong doubts about that, to be honest. Your husband probably doesn't pick up on it. Most men don't. But these are subtle tricks women use to seduce their husbands, you know. So he really can't speak or think for her. He also can't say she didn't mean anything by it; it sounds like he knows her very well and wants to defend her, but he can't think or speak for her. I'd say I'm willing to believe that you didn't mean anything by it, but you can't speak for her either. She wouldn't just call him "sweetie" out of nowhere. Maybe your husband should keep a bit more distance and be more professional with her so he doesn't give her the space or, in some way, the idea that she can say things like that. I'd actually suggest having him call her while you're there, and have him say in front of you that he doesn't want her to call him that anymore and that he's not okay with it, and that she shouldn't do it in the future. He should also make it clear how he wants her to behave around him. Then you'll hear him say it, and you'll hear how she reacts. Anyway, super! I'm happy for you that it's been discussed. I'm just sharing how I would handle it.

All well ends well

And what I forgot to mention: you never call someone "sweetie" unless you mean it in a flirtatious way, and you only say it when you're sure the other person likes hearing it.

You actually have every right, as his wife, to tell her that yourself, because then she'll know that you've seen through her.

Don't forget: you don't know what she says to him at work, especially since she's already sending him this kind of stuff in her text messages. Let alone what she says to him in person.

It also sounds like she thinks she's special to him. Showing up early because he's so "hot" and coming early gives her absolutely no right to say that to your mom.

As if she knew or thought he'd be happy about the news that she came early, especially for him.

Where does she get the nerve? Don't forget: your husband needs to set his boundaries, and you're right there with him. You have every right to do that as his wife.

And remember well: your husband is only someone's "sweetie," and that someone is you.

No other woman has the right to address your husband like that.

Sorry, it all just came out very honestly.

Best, Madelene