Forum From toddler to preschooler

I don't know what to do anymore.

13 replies

NikkiGuest ·
I'm in my 30th week of pregnancy and things are going pretty well. This is my second pregnancy. I have a 4-year-old who has always had a fiery little personality, but I could handle it pretty well. My husband and I are very consistent with him, sometimes strict. We take his feelings into account a lot, talk to him a lot, and he knows we love him. He gets lots of love and attention. I really do my best for him. I talk to him, cuddle, we read books, sing songs, do crafts, go on outings, you name it. I really put a lot of energy and effort into my toddler. He knows he's getting a little brother and is very happy about it; he talks to the baby in my belly and sings songs for the baby. He also regularly asks me how the baby is doing or what the baby is doing. Things are good at home. My husband and I have a good mindset, we talk a lot to each other and help each other. We always discuss arguments or misunderstandings late at night when our toddler is already asleep. We had an argument a few weeks ago, but my toddler wasn't home. That evening, my husband and I discussed the argument and it was over. So my toddler didn't get any of that. But things aren't going well for him at school. He has tantrums and has already been sent out of class twice by the teacher. I find that so unpleasant; we even had to visit once for a chat with the teacher because his behavior isn't good. He won't listen to the teacher, cries over every little thing, stomps his feet, throws himself on the floor, and screams the whole school together. We've punished him for this, and I've taken all his toys away. But this behavior isn't going away. I've also discussed with my toddler that his behavior isn't acceptable. And I've asked him why he's doing this. His answer was that he wants to go to another school. When I asked why, he said he doesn't want the teacher telling him things. He was rocking on his chair and doesn't want his teacher to say anything about it. But that's just not possible! At home, we also have rules, and some things just can't be done. He also needs to learn to follow rules and adapt. When his teacher was sick, he didn't want another teacher to come, etc. But we can't arrange that for him.
My husband and I can't figure it out and don't know what to do anymore.
We've tried to solve it in a calm way, but my husband loses his patience and I'm at my wit's end. My husband says that if this continues for another week, he's going to give him a good spanking. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. We've tried everything. Nothing helps! Who has a tip for me, advice, a different approach? Anyone with experience with a similar situation?

Greetings,
Nikki

Replies

  1. madelene #2

    I think it's really important to first look at the cause of his behavior.
    A toddler who exhibits this kind of behavior is usually seeking negative attention.
    Maybe he can't express his feelings about what's bothering him in the right way yet, so he does it by asking for negative attention.
    I think if you punish him, he won't feel heard; there's clearly something bothering him.

  2. madelene #3

    By constantly punishing him, you're only making it worse and escalating things.
    It's getting worse and worse.
    The goal is to get to the root cause of his behavior.
    Maybe it's also the teacher's fault; she doesn't handle him properly.
    I think you should ask a social worker, maybe she can find out what's going on with your little boy. He clearly doesn't feel well.

  3. madelene #4

    I had a similar situation with our oldest daughter.
    Go into his world, put yourself in his little world, he's only 4 years old.
    Too young to be held to such strict rules and punished so harshly.
    He cries about everything, you say there's also a cause behind it; maybe he can't properly place his emotions.
    This is his way of letting off steam.
    Don't forget not to be too harsh, he's still just a toddler.
    I would ask for school social work
    to try to find the cause of his behavior.
    Wishing you lots of strength, greetings, Madelene

  4. madelene #5

    Sorry for posting multiple times; my phone was acting up.

  5. Nikki started this #6

    Hi Madeleine,
    Thanks for your reply! I’ve thought about it and discussed this with my husband. I also talked to my son about it.
    I asked him what exactly is bothering him, and I told him he can always tell me everything if something isn’t fun at school or if he’s having trouble with something. My husband and I have decided not to punish him anymore. I want my son to know that I understand him and love him, and that he can always come to us.
    I also think I’ll talk to a social worker about this.
    Indeed, I feel like something is bothering him. And the strange thing is that he’s very different at home and only shows this behavior at school.
    We’re going to watch it for another week. But in the meantime, I’ll make it very clear to him that he can tell me anything.
    Hope I’ll figure it out.

    Best,
    Nikki

  6. Anonymous Guest #7

    Hi Nikki,

    That's a tough situation. I think it's impressive how you're handling this and how you're dealing with your toddler in general. Did he already show this behavior before the pregnancy? My babysitter's child's behavior changed at the end of her mother's pregnancy; apparently, they sense something is going on (not that this has to be the case with your son, but who knows, it might help you). It's a big change for them. At home, she was much more cheeky, and with me, she would burst into big tears when mom came in or left (which never used to happen), and her behavior was different there too. Now the baby is born and is already over two months old, but she seems to be becoming the 'old' her again; she's happily waving goodbye to mom again, and she's incredibly proud of her little sister! Maybe this could help you... I can imagine you're pulling your hair out right now with what's going on... Wishing you lots of success, and hopefully, everything will fall into place soon!

    Love,

  7. Beertje #8

    Good morning Nikki,

    First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!

    I want to start by saying that I personally think it's wrong to punish your son at home as well. He already got punished at school. One punishment is more than enough. You addressing his behavior is more than enough.

    Your son's behavior at school seems very similar to my son's at his old school. From your story, I gather that he gets a lot of attention, help, and routine at home. At school, that's not the case. He's in a class with many more kids who need attention. Things don't go as smoothly as they do at home. The teacher can't handle him at the moment. Your son needs something she can't provide right now. I think it's really impressive that your son expresses where he's having problems. It seems like he's having trouble with the teacher herself. What kind of teacher is she? Clear and strict, or kind and gentle?

    My son had two teachers last year: a gentle teacher who talked a lot, and a strict, clear teacher. With the strict, clear teacher, there were never any problems; with the kind teacher, things were always going wrong. He's like that in everyday life too.

    I would discuss with the teacher how she handles him and how you handle him. Make agreements on how to tackle this. It's really not just about your son. Also, definitely don't dwell on it for too long. My son started having these problems when he was 4 years old, and we had many conversations at school. The school couldn't provide what he needed: calm, routine, clarity, and strictness. In January, we changed schools. We really should have done that much earlier. Things are going so much better for him now.

    Keep an eye on his behavior for now. I think seeking help right away is a bit much. He's still very young and developing. If he continues to have real problems when he's around 6 or 8, you can always seek help then. He's only 4 now, so it's not too early to say much. At home, you have him under control and know how he is. Really super impressive how you do that! Hats off to you.

  8. madelene #9

    Hi Nikki, you're welcome! Because I had a very similar situation with our oldest daughter, I can relate to a lot of what you're sharing. She changed schools and now things are going super well; I barely recognized my own girl. But since you clearly indicate that his behavior mainly happens at school, I think it might also be down to his teacher who perhaps isn't handling your son in the right way. Every child needs a different approach; maybe he really needs a lot of appreciation, attention, and compliments. Some kids are very sensitive to this, and if that isn't taken into account, it can escalate into seeking negative attention, which we as adults quickly label as annoying behavior, but is actually a signal that he's struggling with something.

    It becomes a vicious cycle: the teacher finds him annoying, gives him a punishment, and doesn't look at why he's acting that way because she doesn't have time and has multiple children in her class. As a result, he feels even more unheard and unseen by the teacher, so after the punishment, he only shows even more annoying behavior in her eyes. But in reality, your son is asking to be heard.

    It also depends on the teacher: if she gets stressed quickly or can't handle much, that all has an impact on your son.

    It's really nice to read that you've talked to him and made it clear that he can share everything with you. That gives a toddler a sense of security and comfort. I would definitely consider changing teachers if I were you.

    Wishing you lots of strength. Best wishes, Madelene

  9. Nikki started this #10

    Thanks for all your replies! @Anoniem, this behavior started when he began school. Sometimes I also think it has something to do with the pregnancy, and then I hope it'll be over soon. But after reading Madelene and Beertje's responses, I really start doubting the teacher. She's strict and not really nice. At first, I thought it would be good for him. I thought he'd learn to cope with it. But it's not working. He's used to our calm way of doing things. We really only resorted to punishment because we didn't know what else to do, and we've stopped now. It does indeed have the opposite effect, as I said. It doesn't help at all. I don't want to (yet) change schools for him. I'll discuss everything with them first. I really want to know how the teacher handles all this, how she deals with my son, and of course the other children. I'll make this a topic at school.

    Otherwise, we'll just continue doing things our way at home. Thanks for your responses. I've gained some more insight because of this, and I don't feel so unsure anymore.

    Nikki

  10. madelene #11

    Hi Nikki, I have so much respect for you as a person and a mother. You come with a help request, yet you already have good insight into what the cause might be.
    I'm really glad to read that. Being strict isn't always good—it can even harm a child.
    Structure and clarity are good, so a child knows what to expect.
    But being strict and punishing is indeed not good and definitely not necessary.
    I'm very happy that you'll discuss this at school.
    Then a solution can come, for example, the teacher changing her approach and interaction with your son, or switching to another teacher.
    It's always nice to be able to open up, and parenting isn't easy, but it's great that we can help and support each other like this.
    Strength and success with it.
    Greetings, Madelene

  11. Beertje #12

    Of course, you shouldn't just switch schools right away. Hopefully, it can be resolved with a different approach. A child is very honest when they don't like someone; they make that clear. Some children show it more than others. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. You really don't need to look for the problem with yourself or your child. People just can't like everyone. Your son has strong opinions. Teach him that he can't always get his way and that he also has to do things he doesn't want to do, as requested by someone he doesn't particularly like. Stand up for yourself and your child at school.

    Wishing you lots of success!!!

  12. Nikki started this #13

    Thanks ladies!!!
    Thanks for the compliment, Madelene. And pffff, parenting is so hard, right! @ Beertje you're absolutely right. I feel really confident now and feel like I can handle the situation. I'm going to guide him now to help him adjust to less fun situations. He already knows he's allowed to say something if it bothers him. I've told him he can just tell the teacher as well. And if it doesn't work out, I'll/papa will step in and help him. So I'm going to look into this for a week.
    I'll give an update after a while.

    Really thanks ladies!
    Greetings

    Nikki

  13. Kan dit profiel verwijderd worden aub. Dank. #14

    Try working with a reward system... rewarding with a sticker... a stamp on a nice, self-decorated calendar on the fridge. Reward every little thing they do well. That works better and faster than punishing. They call that positive parenting :-) Let me know! Remember, yelling and hitting is not right. Often they do the same to their kids later. Xxx

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