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16 replies

Nina K
This is the first time I’m on a forum like this.

I’m 26, living with my boyfriend, and we sometimes have a pretty hectic and complicated relationship. I feel like that’s mostly due to the age gap (he’s a few years younger). I didn’t know that beforehand; otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have been interested in him at first.

I stopped the pill in January because I’m now open to welcoming a baby into my life. I’m currently a week overdue, but the test was still negative (see the topic under 'pregnancy tests, ovulation and ovulation tests'.

It’s really hard for me to talk about this with people in my immediate circle. This is mainly because my relationship is so turbulent, and most people (including me, secretly) don’t think my boyfriend and I will stay together. We’ve only been together for a few months.

No one actually knows that I’ve stopped taking the pill. I made that decision on my own. I actually find it difficult even to share it here, because I know people will judge me for it.

It was never my plan to trap a man or anything like that. I have talked about it broadly with my boyfriend (whether he even wants children).

Now that I’m overdue, it came up again, and he’s been quite level-headed about it so far, saying basically, “If you’re pregnant, we’ll have to make a decision together. But it’s not there yet.”

I did let him know that I’ve already made my decision, and that if it turns out I am pregnant, he’s faced with the choice of whether he wants to be part of it or not.

As I’m typing this, I realize how terrible this sounds. That’s not how I ever pictured it for myself. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, and I’ve basically accepted that the men I’m attracted to aren’t the type who like to commit (or at least, they keep women around), so I’d end up being a single mom anyway.

Replies

  1. N. Coppola #2

    Hi K,

    First of all, no one should judge you..
    I find it a sad story but I understand you, not that I've ever experienced this myself, but I know your desire for children.

    I just want to tell you that being a single mom can be very expensive!
    My husband and I both work and we still notice that a child costs a lot of money,
    but well, if you have a good job and can count on your parents from time to time, why not...
    or well, you yourself say that it probably won't last with your boyfriend, I'd say you're still young, who knows you might meet another man soon.
    but well, who am I to tell you that, I just wish you lots of luck, girl

  2. Nina K started this #3

    Thank you so much for this sweet reply! It really does me good to not be made to feel crazy for once.

    It's not like I necessarily want a child RIGHT NOW, but I do want to become a mother, and from now on I'm ready for that. So if it happens, it happens. I would still like to be a mother while I'm fairly young though. It has a bit to do with the fact that my mother passed away at a fairly young age and had children relatively late, which meant that my sisters, brother, and I became half-orphans at a fairly young age (the oldest was 12, the youngest was 7). I've always had in the back of my mind that, if I were to pass away around that same age, I'd like/hope that my child(ren) would be old enough to have known me at least a little bit. As a person, and not just as "mom".

    I'm sure I could manage financially on my own. I have a job, the house is mine, and I'll likely get some allowances. I'm also very lucky with my boss. I'm almost certain that if I couldn't make it work with my current salary, he would step in and help.

  3. N. Coppola #4

    I used to want to be a young mom like you, but I didn’t want to have a child without financial support! I started working very young, but I didn’t have a house yet (just an apartment). I nagged my husband for years to have a baby, but he had just started working on his own and wanted some security...

    I got pregnant at 27 and became a mom at 28. I always thought it was very late, but I’m lucky to have had the chance to become a mom!!

    Some women never get that chance!
    Think it over carefully, girl. That’s all I can tell you.

    Good luck!

    Greetings

  4. trotsemama #5

    Hi there,

    It’s your life and your decision. If you want to take this path, then you should do it. Just keep in mind the consequences it might have. It’s really tough when you have such a strong desire for children right now. You can either go ahead with the path you’re considering now, or you can tell yourself that you’ll wait until you’re, say, 30. That way, you’ll have a few more years, and maybe by then you’ll have a stable relationship and a partner who shares the same wishes as you do—something you might not expect right now.

    Wishing you all the best as you make your decision.

  5. Nina K started this #6

    Thanks for the replies!

    I always used to think that way too, trotsemama. But lately I've really strongly felt that I'm ready for it now.

    I've downloaded an app in the meantime to track my cycle, as well as any symptoms and when I have sex. According to this app, my cycle averages 29 days, and I should be getting my period tomorrow. Now I seriously doubt that's going to happen. First, because I was late last month too, and second, because I don't have the symptoms I normally get before my period (discharge, etc.). So I'll just have to wait and see. I did have real cramps on Wednesday, which made me think I had started my period then, but that wasn't the case.

    But well, if I don't get my period this weekend, that still doesn't mean anything. I've been off the pill for 2 months now, so my cycle is probably not very regular yet. I'll have to wait another week anyway before I'd even dare to hope...

  6. trotsemama #7

    Exciting! Will you let us know? If this is the path you want to take, then you should do it. Only you can decide what's best for you and feels right

  7. Nina K started this #8

    I still haven't gotten my period. My cycle last month was 34 days, which was my longest so far.
    But now I'm starting to hope a little.
    Especially since my cycle has averaged 29 days over the past 8 months. So I'm attributing the longer cycle last month to taking the pill for a month and expect it to be around 29 days.
    I'm on day 35 now, so just waiting a bit more... it's already longer than last month, which was already an outlier.

  8. trotsemama #9

    Anders ga je er gewoon een test tegen aan. Dan weet je direct waar je aan toe bent

  9. Nina K started this #10

    I'm just afraid it might be too early for that?

  10. trotsemama #11

    I don't think so. If I read this right, you're already a week overdue. And if you go by your longest cycle, you're now 2 days overdue. The Kruidvat own-brand test is quite sensitive, I think. You have 2 for 5 euros, but you also have 1 with a purple cap. Those are easier, I find.
    It's always very exciting and scary at the same time when you're going to test. You want it so much, but you think it probably isn't like that. But you never know

  11. K Guest #12

    I got my period this morning. It’s quite a disappointment, I have to say.
    So many people around me suddenly got pregnant out of nowhere, even though they weren’t even trying (one still had an IUD, another didn’t take the pill very consistently, and yet another had a condom that simply tore), and now I’ve been trying for two months, having sex almost every day, and it’s not working. That’s pretty bitter.
    I know it can take longer, but I’m getting a bit jealous anyway.
    At first, I stopped taking the pill with the thought; I’m ready now, if it happens, it happens. But I notice that this month, for example, I’m more upset than last month. So I guess it’ll get stronger each month.
    I’ve also been taking folic acid for a month now.
    But well... another month of waiting, I guess.

  12. K Guest #13

    I'm currently logged in as a guest, by the way. I don't really dare to log in on my work PC

  13. trotsemama #14

    I can imagine you're feeling down right now! Two months isn't a long time, but when you hear all these stories around you, it suddenly feels like forever. Try to let it go a bit and let nature take its course You usually only hear the stories about how quickly it happened, not that it takes longer, but for most people, it takes half a year to a year. The disappointment will probably keep growing. You've made the decision, but now you have no control over how long it will take, etc. etc. etc.

  14. N. Coppola #15

    Hey K,

    It's indeed true, just as trotsemama says, if you don't think about it, it happens so quickly! With my first, I was constantly thinking about it and it took me months to get pregnant, and with the second, I didn't think about it at all, and it was quick!

    Relax, and let nature take its course.
    Also when you have intercourse, enjoy it, and don't think about the baby!!

    Greetings

  15. april #16

    Hi K, it sounds like you've already weighed everything up and know how society works. A desire for a child is almost an instinctual drive, and you don't need to keep thinking about it for another 20 years; there are plenty of examples of modern 40-something moms if you look for them. You can find plenty of valid reasons not to do it, but nothing helps when you're at 40 with empty hands and it's over. Nothing in life is ideal, and making the best of it is probably the best advice. For all I've achieved in life, I'm still happiest and proudest of being a mom. I wholeheartedly wish that for myself, you, and other parents. And being a parent with a fantastic partner is also amazing for all of you. So I hope even more for you, you're still so young. Hopefully, you'll find a great partner who shares the same wish first. And financially, it's not that bad if you stay grounded. So many second-hand or free items for furniture and clothes. Food: breast milk and diapers for 8€ at Lidl. As they get older, it also depends on how much you like to spoil them. But you have it all in your own hands.

  16. Nina K started this #17

    What sweet responses!

    Just another quick update. Another month has passed and I got my period again today. This cycle was shorter than the previous ones, lasting 31 days. Maybe this means my body is finding its old rhythm/cycle again?
    The disappointment was a bit less this month because I had clear symptoms last week that my period was coming. I’m now thinking that maybe my body was still shedding in the previous months and my hormones are perhaps more balanced now... I hope so.

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