Forum Babbles

Dilemma

28 replies · page 1 of 2

KarlijnGuest ·
Hi everyone,

I’m facing a dilemma and wanted to share it with you all.
My partner and I had been apart for a few weeks due to external circumstances and a minor breach of trust. After much deliberation, I took him back into the house after a timeout of a few weeks, telling him he could put all his stuff back in the closet, etc. However, last week I told him that my feelings had faded and that he needed to leave today.
He left in tears, as did I, and he said he feels we didn’t do anything to fix things and that feelings can’t just disappear overnight. He also thinks it’s irresponsible of me to kick him out on the street without giving him a reasonable amount of time. Maybe he has a point, but I’ve made my choice, even though I know hormones are playing a big role right now. He thinks I’ve been influenced by my surroundings. I’m at the end of my pregnancy (35 weeks), and I told him he’s still welcome at the birth. He also wants to be there during the postpartum period since we don’t have any other arguments. He says if my environment doesn’t want him, he’ll leave when they visit, but I need to bond with our baby and he wants to be able to care for me once the maternity care nurse leaves. Is he right, and is that reasonable?
He wants to build a bond with our baby and be there for me. He also wants to know how the baby is at night and not just be around for a few hours a day.
I’m not sure what to do with the situation. I only know that too much stress right now is bad for me and our baby. We don’t argue, and maybe he has a point that we haven’t done anything about it yet, but I need to focus on our baby first. I told him he’s still welcome at all check-ups and at the birth, but I’m still struggling with this dilemma. He also says he wants to take care of me now, but I don’t know what to do anymore. My environment hasn’t accepted him for a month, but they did before.

Replies

Page 1 of 2

  1. * #2

    @Karlijn,

    Meissie, what a nasty situation.
    First of all, well done for wanting to share this with us.
    What you could do is figure out if you're really not being influenced by your surroundings, and if not, what you still want from your ex-partner.
    Do you feel like all your emotions are gone??
    Write down everything you want for yourself...
    Don't let others influence you.
    Choose yourself and your family..
    Strength..Ju

  2. Karlijn started this #3

    Thanks MavanMi,

    I do think it affects me because friends and family are very important to me.
    Of course, I get that back from my partner, that I put them above him. Maybe I'm also afraid of losing them. But when I took him back, I was sure about that, and a week later I told him my feelings had faded. That is indeed quite strange, especially if they have a baby together.

    I've already said that I want our birth to be together.
    But I'm not sure about the postpartum period. He thinks I can't just put him out on the street right after the birth and believes he should be there too, since there's no fighting. I'm in doubt because of my friends and family.

  3. * #4

    @Karlijn,

    Actually, the same thing is going on here, just the other way around. His family constantly puts me down, and I felt like I was in 80th place for a long time. He only just realized how dependent his family is on negativity. It almost cost him his relationship with me because I couldn't take it anymore. I allowed it for way too long, letting his family and friends be more important than I was.

    Look closely at that gut feeling you had when you first got to know him, and whether your family and friends still accept him. Is that feeling really gone? Or, as you say, is it just because of the influence of your family and friends? Keep in mind that they go home, and you'll be alone with your little one soon.

    I live next to my partner's family. They don't really care much about boundaries. At first, you don't want to know—almost the whole family slept in our bed, so to speak. Really think carefully about what you're doing; this will also cause you stress, girl.

    Good luck, and let me know what you're going to do if you want to, of course. I sometimes reply a bit later, but I do check in.

    Best, Ju

  4. Karlijn started this #5

    The annoying thing is that there’s a breach of trust between him and me, but that was something we could get over. My boyfriend keeps saying that someone needs to take care of me in the evenings and at night during the first few weeks, and that he should be that person. He thinks I should have postponed my decision until after the birth. It’s so weird, but I know he’s completely overwhelmed by everything—he’s lost 8 kilos in the past few days and is constantly in tears. When I first met him, everyone in the family accepted him up until halfway through this month.

  5. * #6

    @Karlijn,

    Can you get over it or did something really bad happen? How long have you been with this guy and have you already been living together? Or did he have his own place? Honestly, I hope you can work it out together....

    Gr Ju or otherwise mavanmi

  6. Karlijn started this #7

    He didn’t have his own place, he was still looking for one, and I said I wanted to live together with him. Now, 10 months later, I got pregnant quickly because we both really wanted it.

    Trust needs to come back, but it can be restored.
    I said my feelings are gone, but that can’t happen in just a few days, especially not after I took him back a week before.

    But the main issue now is the postpartum period. What would you do about that? He says you want me at the birth, but I feel like I should also be there during the postpartum time—for our baby and for myself, to take care of me.

  7. karlijn Guest #8

    He just sent me this:

    If only time could stand still, and fate would be kind to me.
    Then we’d still be at home, close to each other.
    And everything that has happened now would just be a page colored black, but we’re fighting for each other, for our baby, for both of us. I look to the side now and can’t see my life anymore, it’s been disrupted, and my scream that hasn’t been heard by you, for our family, for both of us. I only think about his heartbeat that connects us, the names of you that I’ve printed forever in my heart. Our love is unique and not ordinary, and our hearts beat in sync. We’re not together right now, but we know this isn’t how it’s supposed to be, this isn’t normal.

    Sorry, but now my wall is breaking down too.

  8. * #9

    @Karlijn,

    Yeah girls, a man in a tight spot makes weird leaps...
    I've told mine to wait as well but our love for each other
    is stronger than that of family and friends...
    He writes straight from his heart....

    Just think about how you would feel in his situation!!!!

    Love, MavanMi

  9. Karlijn started this #10

    @MavanMi

    Love was stronger at first and then I took him back. A week later I talked to people in my circle who already didn't like him, and then said the feeling was gone.

    What would you do during the postpartum period?
    I'll try to see how I would feel in his situation.
    He says I'm shutting myself off to try and justify the decision, and he's afraid that after giving birth I'll realize it was a mistake. He really focuses on what's best for the baby, and that's always in a family with both mom and dad, especially when there's no fighting.

  10. SuzanneW #11

    It depends on the reason for the breach of trust; it was pretty intense that he had to kick you out.

    Family and friends are great, I have a very good relationship with my own family and I find them important, but they do need to adapt to my decisions. I think an advisory role is appropriate here. They should be there for you, just as you are for them. And in the end, they want to see you happy.

    As for maternity leave, I’d definitely keep in mind that it can be very tough. I myself struggled a lot with postpartum tears and a postnatal depression. Even though nothing was wrong in my situation. Motherhood caught me off guard. Not only how beautiful it was, but also the realization of how much responsibility there is. And I think a parent's love is unconditional and what's best for a child is, first and foremost, the mother, but right behind her, the father. So I would absolutely involve him as much as possible and it's nice to have someone else take night shifts. I would do it, even if he sleeps on the couch.

    Love, Suzanne

  11. Karlijn started this #12

    Suzanne

    He already said, "Even if I sleep on the couch, I still feel like I'm part of it."
    The breach of trust wasn't that serious, but it did need to be worked on.
    I took him back in, and after 4 days I said the feeling was gone, but that's maybe not entirely honest.

    He feels he needs to be there for me and our baby.

  12. SuzanneW #13

    Suzanne

    He already said, "Fine, I'll sleep on the couch, but I'm still part of this."
    The breach of trust wasn't that serious, but it did need to be worked on.
    I took him back in, and after 4 days I said the feeling was gone, which maybe wasn't entirely honest.

    He feels he needs to be there for me and our baby.
    Karlijn

    I'd give him another chance. If you don't like it, you can always send him packing again.

  13. Karlijn started this #14

    Suzanne

    He himself said, "Even if I sleep on the couch, I'm still part of this."
    The breach of trust wasn't that serious, but it needed to be worked on.
    I took him back in, and after 4 days said the feeling was gone—that's maybe not entirely honest.

    He feels he needs to be there for me and our baby.
    SuzanneW

    I'd give him another chance, and if you don't like it, you can always send him away again.

    Yeah, but then I'd be sending him away for the third time, which is pretty harsh.
    These past few days, we've actually been sleeping right next to each other, and he's been so sweet to me. He really wants things to work out.

  14. SuzanneW #15

    Sorry, I had to laugh out loud because only a woman can drive a man so crazy hahaha and send him away three times without any feelings or guilt.

    I have a feeling that you two will figure it out together!

  15. Karlijn started this #16

    Suzanne, why are you laughing? Why do you think we'll figure it out?
    How would you handle this because I already told family and friends today that he's gone and that it's over between us since they support me.

  16. SuzanneW #17

    First of all, you still refer to him as 'my friend' throughout the entire forum. Secondly, you describe his way of expressing feelings as 'intense love'. I'd like to share a bit more about my postpartum depression with you, from the early period after giving birth. I was intensely angry at my husband; there were also a few things that had happened. But I know that when you're pregnant, you don't want to hear this. Hormones do something strange to you. Things you find nice and enjoyable about someone might suddenly feel annoying and complex. My feelings came from a low self-esteem. I don't want to say that you suffer from this, I'm just trying to explain that hormones are really something very complicated.

    Besides, you talk a lot with people who already don't like him and who would never honestly tell you if he's actually the best choice or if you're being too radical right now. People shouldn't suddenly dislike someone overnight. You mentioned what happened, and that might have confirmed exactly what they 'secretly' thought about him.

    Talk to people who do like him or who can be objective, even towards you.

  17. Karlijn started this #18

    People who like him aren't being objective, I told him, but that's not fair either, because on the other hand, the people I talk to aren't being objective either. He said we should talk to a relationship therapist together, or just me alone because it's an independent third party. But I'm not sure what to do. Hormones make you do crazy things. He said that maybe after the birth or during it, I might suddenly have the feeling again that it's too intense to do together, and of course I can't just kick him out or send him away right after the birth.

    It's complicated.
    He's going all out for me and us, and sometimes I feel like I'm treating him like garbage, especially by pushing him away like that and saying I don't know how or what to do about the postpartum period, that I need to think about it. He had said, "Don't you want me here for 10 days?" and he replied, "What have I done to you that you're denying me that?" and that became the point right away: he hasn't done anything to me!

  18. SuzanneW #19

    He needs to understand that it’s not a punishment, but that you just can’t do anything else right now. He needs to give you space and not suffocate you. That’s the problem with those damn hormones... You’re not yourself right now!

    I’d have the birth the way you want it. He doesn’t need to be in your line of sight either. Many women have their moms there, and the dad is in the same room but sits behind her, or like my husband, he used to read pregnancy books on a chair next to me. (I liked that, during the pushing stage I crushed his thumb with my grip haha)

    Of course you want the postpartum period, and you don’t even want to take time off from him, but you’re already a mother now and you know you want peace at home. Even if there’s no argument, you don’t need to send him away, but you can just say, okay, you can stay, but if it becomes too much for you, you can go for a walk or leave me alone for a bit. He just wants to know that he can come back. There’s also a postpartum caregiver, and she’s there for you, and you can make arrangements with her. Those ladies are quite feisty!

    Love xxx

  19. Anonymous Guest #20

    What nonsense! Be clear instead of beating around the bush. You have a family, that comes first. The rest has to wait in line now.

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