Forum Baby wish

Second baby or not?

21 replies · page 1 of 2

Moppie
Hi everyone.
We have a daughter who is almost 3 (July). I'm turning 33 this month myself.

My husband has been saying for a while that he'd like a second child. But I just can't make up my mind, yes or no..
I put it aside for a while, but two weeks ago a family member passed away, which makes you realize what it's like being an only child. My husband is also an only child. Since then, we've been talking about it more often.. Do we want this for her too, so she won't be alone in everything and won't end up alone.
Our daughter was actually a very easy baby overall. Now that she's going through the toddler phase, she sometimes surprises me with her strong personality, but otherwise nothing to complain about.
Our house is mostly fine for 4 people. The only thing missing is one bedroom for the second child, if we were to have one.
Who can give me advice or offer a different perspective on whether to say yes or no.
Thanks a lot!

Replies

Page 1 of 2

  1. Elsa #2

    Hi Moppie,

    I think you two really need to figure this out yourselves. How did you feel when you started with your first child? Do you genuinely long for a new baby at home, or is it more about practical considerations? Where do you see your family in the ideal scenario in 5 years?

    It's hard to predict how smoothly a second pregnancy will go or whether the baby will be easygoing again. On the other hand, a brother or sister can also bring a lot of extra love, both for you and your first child. Every child is a new adventure.

    Whatever you decide: lots of success!

  2. Moppie started this #3

    Hey. Thanks for your reply.
    Yeah, we originally always said we'd have 2 kids.
    Once the first one is here, you naturally only then realize what it all entails.
    Actually, I do look forward to a second one, but I've got so many questions in my head.. especially towards the first one. She is truly my world. And I'm somewhat afraid she might feel pushed aside. Because now all the attention and such is for her, and then suddenly less.
    You of course have to decide this yourself, but it's always nice to hear how others experience this. Positive and negative things I don't think about because I don't have two.
    Best regards

  3. Elsa #4

    We thought we'd stick with just one for quite a while. But last month my period was late, and we were both disappointed afterward when it turned out to be a false alarm. For us, that was the sign that we're ready for baby #2

    I'll share that I've heard this fear from several friends too! The fear that they'd feel they're shortchanging their first child, or that they'd never love the second as much as the first. And time and again, I hear the same thing afterward: yes, it takes some adjusting, but so many wonderful things come with it. As long as you involve the oldest in everything as much as possible.

    The adjustments are mostly practical: dividing attention, it takes longer to get the whole family ready when you're going somewhere, less time to rest, and sometimes a bit of jealousy.

    But it's also a richness: a brother or sister who teaches a new kind of caring, learning to share, and when you take a moment just for the oldest, the joy is double and then some.

  4. Moppie started this #5

    Hey Elsa.
    Oh, that's too bad that nr2 hasn't worked out yet. Are you guys going for nr2 now?
    I'm glad I got your response. It gives a different perspective on the decision.
    I'm turning 33 too, so I don't want to wait too long either.
    And yes, it's true that you might not like the second one as much as the first. Weird that this thought crosses many people's minds.
    Greetings

  5. Veraaa #6

    So relatable here!
    I originally didn’t want any kids at all, and my husband wanted two. In the end, I wasn’t ready until I was 35. We now have a 2-year-old daughter, and I’m pregnant with the second one. After her, I still hesitated about having a second child. But at some point, it felt valuable to give her a brother or sister. The experience of learning to be together, play together, and share seems like such a rich addition. And while she might give up something on one hand, she gains something else on the other.
    There’s no right or wrong choice...both options have pros and cons. Give yourself some time to think, and you’ll surely know what you want in the end.

  6. Moppie started this #7

    Hi veraaa
    Congratulations in advance on the second one on the way! How lovely!!
    Yeah, I've been thinking about it for a while now. And I really can't make up my mind. I find myself saying no more often than yes, yet the doubt remains.

  7. Veraaa #8

    But if you're thinking yes... what's the objection then? What's holding you back?

  8. Moppie started this #9

    @Veraaa
    1001 thoughts in 3 seconds. It's also about things you're not supposed to think about because you took that risk with the first one too... like; will everything go well, will they be healthy, can I handle it, will they understand each other, where am I going to put the second baby to sleep, what if my delivery is the same and this time I'm marked for years or forever? And so on..
    Greetings

  9. Veraaa #10

    That’s really relatable. I had a really nice first birth, and now I find this one more nerve-wracking. But I’ve read a bit about hypnobirthing—how you can learn to trust yourself. I’m not really into all that woo-woo stuff… but I do believe you can mentally prepare and program yourself. Positive thinking tends to lead to positive outcomes. I can give birth just fine, so I can do it again. I’m a loving mom who can make sure my kids get along well. I can also handle it if our baby isn’t healthy—we’ll find a way. I’ve had two miscarriages, and I came out strong from those too. I can learn and grow from everything I experience.

    I’ve really said these little phrases to myself. Some more often than others. And they gave me the confidence to go for a second child.

    Maybe you could try it and see if it works for you. And if it doesn’t work… that’s okay too… maybe you can then learn to accept that you already have a beautiful life… and that it’s rich and good as it is.

  10. Moppie started this #11

    Yes, if only positive thinking would help..????????

  11. Moppie started this #12

    Oh, those question marks are meant to be emojis

  12. Veraaa #13

    Yeah, you can't just use the emojis from your phone. You have to click on the smiley above the text box.
    Positive thinking isn't just about being happy. For me, it's also about imagining what I want... and how to do it... and having trust.
    But hey... that works out better some times than others. I fight with myself and my own thoughts often enough, I assure you. Maybe it's also that when I made the decision for a second child... I mainly thought... we'll manage this. But by then, the decision was already made. I only had two miscarriages, and that intensified the longing for a baby even more.
    And I know that my insecurity will come back... after the birth... when I suddenly have to do all sorts of things I'm unsure about.
    I often doubt myself as a mother... whether I'm doing it right. In the end, I always know again... that I'm the mom who loves her most... because I'm her mom. And I don't have to do everything perfectly. That's how I try to let go of that doubt and insecurity again.

  13. Moppie started this #14

    That's so sweet!
    I was once told: a mother who does her best is a good mother.
    How far along are you now?

    Kind regards,

  14. Veraaa #15

    Ah, that's one of those quotes you sometimes need to remind yourself of.
    I'm now 19 weeks pregnant. Almost halfway there, and next week I'm having the 20-week ultrasound.

  15. Moppie started this #16

    Oh how exciting
    So you already know what it is?

  16. Veraaa #17

    No, not yet. We didn’t get a prenatal scan done. And at the midwife’s office, I didn’t have an ultrasound for the last two visits, just heard the baby’s heartbeat.
    So we’re really excited to find out next week!
    How are you doing with all your doubts now? Have you talked to your partner again?

  17. Elsa #18

    Veraaa congrats!
    We’re going for baby #2 this summer. I’ve already started taking folic acid so my body has built up enough of it.
    As for fears: I assume something can always go wrong. We can always have an accident or get sick. Unfortunately, you can’t rule that out. But it would be really sad to bury your dreams because of fear. With the first one, there were some complications during pregnancy and it wasn’t the dream birth either. With the second, I’ll naturally be more alert, but I expect things won’t all repeat themselves, and if they do, I’ll at least know what’s going on.
    Anyway, lots of luck with your decision!

  18. Moppie started this #19

    @veraaa.
    We knew this from the NIPT test you get at 12 weeks.
    Though I'm starting to lean more towards 'yes'
    As for the room being too small, I've already found a solution for the first few years. When they're older, we'll see if we need to think further ahead.
    Though I just had to come back in when I saw Elsa's reaction. Taking folic acid... completely forgot that I did that too
    Best,

  19. Veraaa #20

    Ah, so you're from Belgium. I'm from the Netherlands (well, from South Limburg, so right on the border). Here, you don't find out the gender with the NIPPT test. And we didn't have the NIPPT done.
    As for practical problems... there are usually practical solutions to be found .

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