From toddler to preschooler
Lots of clashes, friction, and discussions with a 3.5-year-old?
ElsaGuest ·
Hi everyone,
I'm kind of pulling my hair out and hoping someone has some tips or has been through this too.
We have a lovely 3.5-year-old daughter, a sweetheart but also a feisty little thing who isn't afraid to speak her mind, you could say she takes after her mom.
Now I'm 14 weeks pregnant and we do talk about the baby, but we don't emphasize it too much. She's always welcome to bring it up, and if she doesn't, that's fine too. When we pick up things for the baby's room, she's always welcome to come along if she wants to, so we're trying to keep it casual.
However, I've noticed that in the last two weeks she hasn't been feeling quite right, and I'm also having bouts of hormonal issues; the fuse is a bit short for both of us now and then.
But she also gets quite big-mouthy at times, which shows when I tell her something isn't allowed: "You're stupid, you're not nice, you're a stupid mom," and she repeats this over and over. I try everything, from sending her to the hallway to ignoring her to forbidding things, but oh, she just keeps pushing the boundaries and nothing really works.
She's also pulling more towards her dad right now. It feels like she's creating some distance from me, and I sometimes think it's because we're so similar and thus clash more than dad and daughter, especially since I'm pregnant.
Is this a phase for her age? How do you handle it? It also shows in the fact that she doesn't want me to put her to bed, only papa. I know she's 3.5, but it hurts. Sometimes I really have to swallow my pride when she yells these things or says papa can do everything.
I'm the one who's more consistent at home, and this sometimes shows in her pulling towards papa, who then immediately doesn't get involved in the discussion we're having together.
Help! Is this a phase? Am I doing something wrong? I feel sidelined sometimes. Do you still think I'm a nice mom? Am I too hard, too soft? You think about everything, and it's making me insecure.
I'm kind of pulling my hair out and hoping someone has some tips or has been through this too.
We have a lovely 3.5-year-old daughter, a sweetheart but also a feisty little thing who isn't afraid to speak her mind, you could say she takes after her mom.
Now I'm 14 weeks pregnant and we do talk about the baby, but we don't emphasize it too much. She's always welcome to bring it up, and if she doesn't, that's fine too. When we pick up things for the baby's room, she's always welcome to come along if she wants to, so we're trying to keep it casual.
However, I've noticed that in the last two weeks she hasn't been feeling quite right, and I'm also having bouts of hormonal issues; the fuse is a bit short for both of us now and then.
But she also gets quite big-mouthy at times, which shows when I tell her something isn't allowed: "You're stupid, you're not nice, you're a stupid mom," and she repeats this over and over. I try everything, from sending her to the hallway to ignoring her to forbidding things, but oh, she just keeps pushing the boundaries and nothing really works.
She's also pulling more towards her dad right now. It feels like she's creating some distance from me, and I sometimes think it's because we're so similar and thus clash more than dad and daughter, especially since I'm pregnant.
Is this a phase for her age? How do you handle it? It also shows in the fact that she doesn't want me to put her to bed, only papa. I know she's 3.5, but it hurts. Sometimes I really have to swallow my pride when she yells these things or says papa can do everything.
I'm the one who's more consistent at home, and this sometimes shows in her pulling towards papa, who then immediately doesn't get involved in the discussion we're having together.
Help! Is this a phase? Am I doing something wrong? I feel sidelined sometimes. Do you still think I'm a nice mom? Am I too hard, too soft? You think about everything, and it's making me insecure.
Replies
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Kaja #2
Hi Elsa, I kind of relate to your story. I have a son who’s almost 5 now, and he’s been doing this with me lately. It started around the time we had our daughter, who’s 15 months now. I’m also the one who tends to be stricter at home, and it shows—he really gravitates toward dad. I’ve shed some tears over this, just like you said. You start wondering if you’re even a nice mom or if you’re being too strict. I’m trying to pick my battles now—what really matters and what doesn’t. And I’m making sure to spend extra one-on-one time with my son doing fun things. I also talked to my partner about stepping in sometimes during the discussions I have with our son. I think it’s normal for kids to test boundaries. The fact that you’re worrying about this says a lot about the kind of mom you are. Feeling insecure is part of being a parent. I wish you lots of strength with your little girl, and hopefully, this phase will pass soon. -
kruimel #3
1. Your hormones are going wild, making you feel everything 100x stronger than usual.
2. 3.5-year-olds, especially the feisty ones, are little assholes who know exactly how to push mom's buttons. They should really be in school, but then again, they're too young for that. 3.5 is really a tough age, so seriously, dear mom, it's just a PHASE!
(I have a 3.5-year-old dragon too; her sister, now 5, was also such a little ray of sunshine during that time.)
Try not to take it too much to heart and remind yourself that it's temporary and that she still loves you just as much as always! You're doing nothing wrong!
Good luck! -
Floor Guest #4
Haha I agree with Kruimel, don't be so insecure. Your child feels and takes this space because she feels safe enough to do so, so you're doing a great job as parents together. Kids around 3.5 also have the ability to pursue what they want themselves, but they don't yet have the social ability to consider others' feelings while doing so. So she's not doing it to hurt you specifically.
I'd just keep everything the same as it was. Routine (who puts her to bed?), etc. The baby will be part of it soon enough, so she'll just get used to it. What could also help is giving her lots of compliments, so she feels seen. Almost in a childish way. Oh, how great that you put your shoes on! So super that you put your jacket on! Geez, you can do everything yourself already. But I'd focus more on myself: don't be insecure and do what you always did as a mom.
It'll all get better! Until she's 15.. haha then you'll get this again.
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