2nd pregnancy is missing

I can somewhat relate.
We had quite a few arguments because, from my perspective, my husband wasn't living healthily enough. This was after we found out that his sperm quality wasn't great and we started with IUI.
I solved it by cooking healthier meals more often or suggesting healthier options without explicitly mentioning it. So no "because this is better for you."
I also bought prenatal vitamins from the same brand he takes for his sperm health. So we do it together, instead of each doing our own thing.

As for mandatory sex, I keep track and also do ovulation tests. What I don't like is the idea of "it's the weekend so we have to have sex now," which can slip in easily when both of us are busy. That's why I completely understand why a man doesn't enjoy having sex every day as an obligation. I try to make it more spontaneous, not just before going to sleep and not only during the fertile period.

Unfortunately, we're not a great example of how to get pregnant, but we've found a balance between trying to conceive and keeping the relationship healthy.

Men just think about it differently, my husband always thinks like oh it will come and if it doesn't, then it doesn't.
I also use ovulation tests, only I never show them to him, so he doesn't even know when a test is positive or not. Now we do it regularly anyway, only if it's positive we do it extra, he doesn't even notice that.
We already have a 2-year-old child and are now in round 8.
When I got pregnant for the first time, I also hadn't taken the pill for 2 years, didn't use ovulation tests either so I had no idea how or what.

Selby finds it tough that you two see it so differently.
We’ve started again after a year, unfortunately after nearly 3 years plus 5 IUIs with no result yet. So I completely understand where you’re coming from. 10 months is just long, even though it’s normal for it to take a year. Around that time, every period felt to me like losing someone, so incredibly sad. I also didn’t really want such a big age gap. Unfortunately, our son will be 4 in a few months. Everything for the hopefully 2nd little one is already childish for the oldest. I see that with my sister’s kids, who are also 4 years apart. That bond will just be different. But having a brother or sister is really nice.
Unfortunately, we can’t influence it, except by doing our best.
Regarding the men, I don’t want to push my husband too hard either. With IUIs, we have to time things a bit so there’s not too short or too long a gap, but I did let him know if I had a positive ovulation test. But not that it had to happen then. I prefer to wear something nice or challenge him, usually that’s enough.
Try to keep it fun, you won’t last months like this, and you’ll only push your man away if it becomes a chore.
The GP usually only refers you after a year, so take that pressure off for another 2 months and have fun. The swimmers swim harder when you both enjoy it.
And if you manage it, plan a weekend or week away a bit cleverly around your egg. Getting away together for a bit can sometimes work wonders.

I understand letting go doesn’t work, I’ve tried it too, but I’m still not pregnant, so it didn’t help. Every time it’s still nerve-wracking. I do try to make it less heavy, I just don’t have any influence on it, except for watching my diet of course.
And even in that: I know a couple who got pregnant between treatments, celebrating on holiday and having drinks, so we also alternate periods with holidays, just having a nice drink and then getting back on track.

Before I reply: I realize my answer might come across as blunt or mean. That’s not my intention; I hope it helps ease the situation a bit and fosters some mutual understanding.

You say you have to put in a lot of effort to look nice, etc., before he might want to, but he “acts tough” with the guys. What do you expect him to honestly say, like, “My wife only wants it during her fertile window; the other weeks she finds me unattractive”?

If I flipped it and my husband only wanted sex on certain days and only made an effort then... hmm, that wouldn’t really turn me on either. I’d feel a bit used.

Maybe it’s smarter to figure out why you’re having so little sex. I suspect that if things were a bit more spontaneous throughout the month, his performance would improve too. Having sex once spontaneously is a start, but to show him you want him even when you’re not fertile, you’ll need a bit more. Who knows, maybe he’ll suddenly take the initiative, regardless of where you are in your cycle.

Men are sometimes just like women; they want to feel attractive

You've been doing tests and trying for 7 months now. Try it for 7 months the way your husband does.

I understand the urge, but it can really cause so much damage too. Adjust accordingly.

Thanks for the replies. I really am thinking about it, even if it’s not always what I want to hear and I always have a counter-argument ready.

Spontaneous sex last night, initiated by him. I felt a bit sad about it, but of course I didn’t show it. I just feel that when we’re around ovulation, he suddenly has no desire, has eaten too much, or is tired. So I kind of see it as wasting ammunition to have sex at other times in the cycle. But I do understand what you mean, and it’s a bit reassuring to read more on this forum (and on Google) about men having performance issues due to pressure. By the way, we don’t follow the standard norm of 3 times a week anyway. When we’re not trying to conceive, there are sometimes months between. Not because we don’t love each other; we talk a lot, eat at the table, and cuddle during a movie or in bed before sleeping. It doesn’t always mean something is wrong if you don’t have sex often. We both have busy and active (fun) lives, so we’re usually tired in the evenings. Before our son, we did it more often, but mostly in the morning or at other times of the day, which is much harder now. I just mean that if we have sex twice around ovulation, that’s already quite a lot, which is why I think at other times in the cycle, “meh, save it for ovulation” hehe. Anyway, I do have what you sometimes read: I’m only really turned on around my ovulation, which I’ve always had even when not trying to conceive. Do animals only get in the mood when they ovate? (whaaaa or am I saying something really weird???)

I’m really trying to let it go more. I’m assuming everything works fine (no medical reason) and I try to imagine that the more pressure I put on it, the harder it all becomes. It can indeed ruin a lot, as “anonymous (guest)” said above. But yes, it’s easier said than done. I’ll probably cry again at the next period, especially if we haven’t had sex at least twice around that ovulation. But after one big crying fit, it’s over too, I don’t lie sick in bed for days. And I increasingly realize what a blessing our son already is. When we were trying for him, we had this same problem: I put too much pressure on it, which made my boyfriend feel performance pressure, which made it not work, and that also caused a lot of emotion in the relationship.

I really think you should stop with the ovulation tests and focus on your sex life. I get that it's hard to make it happen with a busy schedule.

Here we have 4 kids: 2 teenagers who are still awake when we go to bed, and 2 toddlers who don't sleep through the night and wake us up in the middle of the night. But there's never more than 2 weeks between our intimate moments.

I understand you get sad when your husband takes advantage of that rare moment when he wants to, but at the same time, it's also quite frustrating.

Do you tell your husband when you're ovulating? Maybe you could try to make time for intimacy at least once a week. Even if it's on a fixed day. Here it's Thursday. Then the teenagers are out of the house. If the toddlers fall asleep on time, we have cozy time in the bedroom. Even if we don't always feel like it. It happens naturally.

Thanks for your reply. I don’t think having less sex says anything about the relationship. And when it comes to spontaneous intimacy, it sounds more like you’re trying to hit a quota, doesn’t it? Please don’t take this the wrong way, that’s really not what I mean.

Oh Selby, what a tough situation! I can really see both sides of the story. Your frustration must be huge, but the pressure he feels is no joke either. Maybe it helps to know that sperm quality is lower if you haven't had sex for too long. So those times around ovulation are definitely not in vain ! Maybe you actually have a better chance if you do it once before and once around ovulation. So try not to see that as lost sex time. Every little bit helps. And indeed, it doesn't help your relationship if you view it as 'shooting all your bullets'. He wants to make love with you out of love/lust, and that's a huge compliment!

Your sex life doesn't necessarily say anything about your relationship, apparently. Clearly, you both just don't like sex that much. That's fine, but it's tough when you want to have kids, of course. So for the sake of wanting a child, I'd also try to work on your sex life.

Personally, I'd go for the 'quota' approach, as you describe it, because it doesn't happen spontaneously that often for you. If you agree to have sex once a week (maybe skip the period if he doesn't like it, but tip: shower), you increase your chances of conception, and there's less pressure on that one time. Plus: I can imagine he feels less 'used' than when you only have sex around ovulation (that's not arousing, more of a turn-off, I'd feel like a walking sperm bag).

Given that he's not really willing to do anything for a new baby, it might not be super easy to get him on board. You could just start with it yourself, or discuss it with him but under the guise of "it's good for getting pregnant, and can't hurt our own pleasure either, so it seems like a good idea to try to take the pressure off both of us and enjoy each other more again."

Have you ever talked about why your sex life is like this? Do you both really have no sex drive (that's very possible, by the way!), or has it just become a habit to not have sex?

(and it's logical that he lies about it to his friends, because it's not done for men to have no sex drive)

I wouldn't worry about your "gunpowder running out" either that gets fixed quickly, and who knows, maybe someone will stick around long enough to lead to a baby! Just enjoy the rest of the month; it'll work out during the ovulation week too. Naturally, your libido is often a bit higher around ovulation. It seems difficult to me, and I've never had this problem myself. I haven't read everything above, but maybe talk to your husband again and explain the importance of sex around ovulation for having a baby. I told my husband (in broad terms) about what you said, and his reaction was: "Do you even want another child?" But as I said, my husband never had performance pressure.

Ah, sorry, I just read in your opening post that your boyfriend wouldn't want to at all every other day. Could you do it once a week, do you think? That's at least less effort. You could also try taking the initiative more often on days that aren't your ovulation days, so he doesn't feel so much like a 'sperm bag'. Then maybe he'll come to you more often next month too.
But I'd mainly have a conversation with him about why your sex life is like this. It might be part of your relationship, but it's less than 'average' (even if you take into account that people always exaggerate a bit in this regard), and there might be a reason for that.

I’m not saying anywhere that it’s bad for your relationship.

We do have a need for sex but are often tired. Teens who are awake and hear us. When the toddlers are asleep on Thursday evening, we have 1.5 hours of quiet. That’s our sex night. One week it happens, the next week it doesn’t.

Do you really have no need at all? Or does it just not happen like it does for us?

Scheduled sex is what it’s called. Terrible thing. Sometimes it’s no different with a busy life and kids.

I was wondering, has your husband always been like this? Does he really want a second child? Do you not find the idea of getting pregnant exciting?

“Walking sperm bag”

He’s said before that his libido isn’t that high (anymore). He’s a bit older than me. Mine was “back in the day” sky-high. But as I just said, since we have a little boy and have such a busy life, it usually doesn’t work out in the mornings or during the day, and in the evenings we’re both often tired. And doing it more often “because that’s the norm” feels like “nonsense” to both of us. I’ve “always” thought (what a bunch of air-bunnies ) that it’s mainly important that you talk in your relationship and cuddle and stuff. It’s also hard to find a time when you both have the time and desire, if neither of you has a super-high libido.

But we do it both “on our own”. He sometimes under the shower in the morning, and I just when it works out, and by that I don’t mean an elaborate session with the whole arsenal on the nightstand, but just a quick few minutes with a little vibrator. Not because it’s ticklish, but just because it’s quick and nice If you’re having sex to meet quotas or because you don’t want to reject your partner when it’s not about ovulation, I find that fiddling really bloody irritating, especially on my breasts. Or is that just me.

Oh well. I understand what everyone means and will think about it. Meanwhile, I’m getting more and more of a “just leave it all alone” feeling. It’s frustrating that with one it hits home so well, and the other has to literally and figuratively twist themselves into knots to earn it. It’s probably not really like that, but it feels like it

One thing I was wondering: has your husband always been like this? Does he really want a second child? Do you find the idea of getting pregnant unappealing?

Thanks for the replies. I already asked him if he really wants it, and he says yes, but he just wants to “see” it happen and have sex every now and then. I don’t understand how he can have all the time in the world. He’s not even 40 anymore, let’s just say, and the age gap between the kids will only get bigger. I told him that if you want to get pregnant, you need to have sex around ovulation, otherwise it won’t happen, and that we’re not in our twenties anymore, so we can take it seriously for once. A good friend of mine stopped the pill and is just going to do it spontaneously and see what happens, but she and her partner are both around 30 and aren’t in a rush. I don’t think we have that luxury. I find it more than logical that if you’re trying for a baby, you hope for it every cycle and want to maximize your chances. It’s true that this is more important to me than to him. But yeah, he already has kids.

When we were trying for the first one, it was like this too. Then I told him that if he doesn’t want it or isn’t willing to make an effort, he should be honest and not give me false hope, that he shouldn’t say yes first and then not want to have sex. Isn’t that right? I find it almost cruel. I don’t understand how it’s such a big effort to have sex twice around ovulation. By the way, it’s not like (because it might sound like this) that I go to bed at set times with my box held up hahaha. But I do announce it on the relevant day “that I’d like to have sex tonight” so we go to bed a bit earlier and both shower, shave, and get romantic. We also do it with humor and fun at that time. I’m not lying there with my arms crossed like “will anything come of it?” PS if I don’t announce it, he comes upstairs very late, or has eaten too much, or says when I’m lying there wiggling after showering “sorry darling, next time,” ugh. Usually, it’s the other way around.

Ps, the quoting didn't quite work out, I see.

Haha yes sorry for that label ! But I sometimes felt like a walking brood hen too when people subtly asked if I was feeling nauseous whenever I didn’t feel like meeting up. So maybe I’m projecting a bit ! But I really do think it can feel that way for him to some extent, even if he wouldn’t call himself a walking sperm bag haha.

Your relationship sounds like a loving one! But well, it’s just really tough to conceive with your current sex life. Especially if there’s still a chance that neither of you is highly fertile, you know.
So instead of quotas, maybe schedule time just to make each other happy, if that’s what they want? Even if you can’t appreciate the fiddling, it does make him happy. And then you could do it once around ovulation. And maybe let your man handle the sex toy? Or have a quickie together in the shower in the morning?
And of course you can always go to the GP yourself, without him, to check your side.
I don’t know, hopefully you find the tips helpful, because it’s a shame that your loving relationship is temporarily affected by this.

Haha, you describe it all quite amusingly, I'm lying here blue from laughing at the comment that you're not "lying in wait for him, something will come of it yet"

I agree with your reasoning that if he wants to, you really should have sex around ovulation.

However, his age isn't as important; sure, quality can decrease (unfortunately, my husband suffers from this) and libido. But since you're helping yourselves, there is libido...

Why do you always have to shower etc. before having sex? If the mood is there, it's there. Maybe you could agree that if the mood strikes to help yourselves, you "save it" until you can do it together?

I understand that with a little one at home it's not possible, but for example, something I've done is tell my husband at the end of his workday that I want him and then jump on him when he walks through the door. And by that I don't mean "hey my ovulation test was positive so it would be nice if".

For completeness, we're in round 32 and mmm. So I really understand what pressure having sex (or not having sex) can put on you. Every round that doesn't work hurts again. But as long as you keep talking to each other, it'll be fine. Tell how you feel, don't start directly with what you expect, tell how much it hurts you and why!

There's definitely interest from both sides. Given that you're helping yourselves.

Still, I feel like you two need to work on your sex life. Not in the sense that you "have to," but it doesn't sound very pleasant like this. (Reads more negative than I mean). All that showering and shaving, just get messy once in a while. Sit on the couch while watching TV on Diggy and see what happens. Talk about what kind of sex you want. Maybe you need a bit more Fifty Shades of Grey. Go to bed at the same time.

My husband is also over 40 and I notice that his is not as easy and doesn't come up as quickly anymore.

And don't tell him you're ovulating. But get him in the mood with a set or something.

We've had those "musts" too. Terrible. Could you manage to do it twice a week? That's already enough.

Your husband doesn't sound very motivated for a second one. How long did it take for the first one?