Forum Biechthoekje

Disagreement with in-laws and pregnancy.

28 replies · page 1 of 2

Nora123
Hi everyone,

I’m dealing with a huge problem..

I have a very sweet partner, but my in-laws are absolutely terrible!

My partner is an only child and I was always seen as the intruder in their family.. For 10 years I’ve done my best and done almost everything to make my in-laws happy.. They often crossed my boundaries and let me be treated shabbily, and she kept hurting me by saying really weird things.. I just accepted all of this in the hope that my in-laws would eventually accept me..

But it only got worse, I wasn’t doing anything right, and they also found my family weird.. Even though my family politely kept inviting themselves to their parties!

My mother-in-law has said really crazy things to me like: if you secretly get pregnant behind (my partner, let’s call him M)’s back, I’ll make sure you have an abortion, then I’ll brainwash you into thinking you have to do it!

Or.. If you get pregnant, I won’t be happy! Staring angrily at me with her finger in my face..

And.. The inheritance is M’s, not yours! She’d also suddenly turn the conversation around in a conversation that was attacking me, and this happens often during outings and dinners..

I’ve let these crazy remarks slide for 10 years.. Because if I said anything to my partner about his mother, it was immediately.. My mother! I was young and naive back then and let it go, feeling powerless.

His father also got worse. We had a dog and he demanded to take it out every Friday, just coming in with the key without warning.. If we didn’t want something, he’d do it secretly or lie.. This man also made really nasty sexist remarks towards me, even towards my dog! Remarks like: mmm, shall I make a treat for you and rub it on your nipples, and subtly run his finger along my dog’s vulva.. Also nasty remarks to me like.. Shall I shove it in your slit.. Or when I was cleaning the shower, he’d just come around the corner to watch and make a remark.. Oh, too bad you’re wearing something.. I mentioned this to my partner and he promised to say something about it.. He didn’t follow through...

But now I’m a bit older and we wanted a baby together, it wasn’t happening.. After 4 years of trying, we went to the doctor with our desire for a child.. We’re crazy about each other and my partner is a really sweet guy who does everything for me.. I want to continue with him.. We started an IUI process, my family knew right away but his parents didn’t.. He told them later because he wanted to.. What do you think.. It was suddenly nice! But that changed quickly.. I got the craziest remarks again.. It’s probably my fault it’s not working blah blah.. Then we moved to IVF.. First attempt succeeded, I’m pregnant! The embryo had been in my stomach for just 3 days and my belly was still swollen and bruised from the puncture.. My father-in-law came and sat next to me and, without being asked, put his hand on my belly! With and how are you doing.. We didn’t even know if it had succeeded yet, the embryo had just been placed! My father-in-law also already had plans with his grandchild like going to the bath together and lying in bed.. This was the first thing the guy thought of, I got sick of it! He’s also so sexist, I don’t trust him and my partner knows that too! My mother-in-law also did something weird.. Because she kept hinting that it might be from someone else because it wasn’t her son who inseminated but a doctor who inserted it.. Then I had enough.. I didn’t want any contact anymore!

I talked to my partner about it and he understood.. But he still keeps hanging around them..

When I was in the shower at home, my partner came home and asked, do you have a minute? I knew right away who was with me.. My mother-in-law, so I said no.. I heard whispering in the kitchen between her and my partner.. And yet she walked into the shower and wanted to say sorry with a chocolate letter my partner had brought for me with the groceries (I had asked for it myself) and she said: can I make it up to you with this, sorry.. Really with such an attitude of.. What a load of crap, I’m only doing it for M.. Then I said.. No, sorry, not like this.. Then she looked at me with wide eyes and said.. I actually don’t know why I should apologize! Then I ran away and asked if my mother could pick me up.. Now she had been upset and had been crying at my father-in-law’s, and my father-in-law sent my partner a text message that said: hello son, I hope she has the guts to come talk. I’ll be home at 12.00 otherwise I’m done with it.

Now the roles have reversed and I’m the villain.. This all started when I was 7 weeks pregnant and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.. And they do little to nothing to make it right because they think they did nothing wrong.. And my partner keeps pleasing them, how should this continue? How should it be with birth announcements and maternity visits with them? What would you do!

Long story, I know, I hope someone can tell me what I should do!

Love, Nora

Replies

Page 1 of 2

  1. proud_mommy #2

    Hey girl, first of all congratulations on your pregnancy.
    I know how you feel. I only have a mother-in-law. We used to get along really well and I was there very often. I even stayed over.
    When my husband and I were engaged, she said, I want a grandchild. That kept going on. When it didn't work out after a year, she told me what others were doing... They've been trying for a year now, but still no child. There must be something wrong with her. I politely pointed out then, getting pregnant isn't automatic. I'd also like a little one, but I don't want you to say something like that. I'm not sick, and if I'm not pregnant it doesn't mean it's my fault because it could also be your son's fault. Then she flipped out. I was the villain, I was doing everything wrong. I was different than I pretended to be before I got married.
    After she stopped nagging, I got pregnant two months later. I didn't want to share the news, only with my own family. But I couldn't keep it from my husband, so I just said, go ahead and tell them. A month later (after my first ultrasound) there was a family fight. And I had stolen her son from her and who knows what. I was bad in her eyes and wished for my pregnancy to miscarry. That I would lose my baby. I went through a really tough period then. I stopped visiting her, she stopped visiting me. I didn't ask about her and she even asked me if I hadn't left my wife at her parents'.
    When I gave birth, she didn't come by, she wanted to talk to me and congratulate me but I skipped it. When my son was two weeks old, she came by.
    I put my son in the room and didn't let her see him. I sat there but gave her no attention. Now that my son is born, she's trying to build a bond again. But I can't. Every time I see her I think about what she did to me. My husband also wants me to have a bond and says she's my mother. But it's hard for me. I would put the key in the lock when I'm home so she can't come in. Ignore them and don't ask about them. They come to you then. They walked all over you and you shouldn't let that happen anymore.

  2. Nora123 started this #3

    Oh girl, that's absolutely terrible!
    I don't get how people can be like that! You didn't have it easy either.. I don't get our partners either.. If they treat your family like that, they should have to choose their family, and not because it's their mother/father that we have to deal with it.. I also thought.. They never expressed their regret.. And I'm already almost halfway through my pregnancy, so they don't need to suddenly show up once the little one is here so they can suddenly become grandparents.. And my boyfriend knows that too.. And I'd rather not have him take her alone to those people, I find my father-in-law creepy too.. My mother-in-law pretends not to hear when he makes those sexist remarks, and since my boyfriend doesn't do anything about it either, it doesn't feel right to me if he does it with our dog then he'll probably do it with.. so I don't trust any of the three. This is so hard, huh..
    Thanks for your message!

  3. kirstnn #4

    Hey Nora, first of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!

    What a tough time you've been through, and I think you've taken enough, but enough is enough. This is going way too far anyway! It's one thing that your boyfriend wants to please his parents, but the way you're being treated is seriously not okay! I'd like to kick his ass, seriously, can't you all see what's happening?! And your father-in-law, my god, that sounds like a real creep, sorry. Anyway, you did nothing wrong, and his parents owe you more than an apology. Regarding the little one, stick to your guns. If you don't want her to go there, she's not going, and I totally agree with you! I wouldn't want it either.

  4. proud_mommy #5

    Yeah, I get you. You're right. My husband says my family comes first, but his mom is still above it all. She's never apologized, yet she wants everything to be fine. But it's not that easy. I haven't spoken to or seen my mother-in-law for 5 months. My son isn't allowed to go to her place alone, and even when he's older, he still won't be. He won't go anywhere without me.

  5. Besje #6

    What a crazy family. I wouldn't want that father anywhere near my child either, after hearing his comments.
    I think you should sit down with your partner and discuss everything thoroughly. Set rules that everyone can agree on and stick to. It's your child and your family.

  6. Nora123 started this #7

    Hi everyone, thanks for your responses!
    Yeah, it's truly ridiculous—I feel like I'm living in a nightmare!
    But luckily, I'm not the only one who finds these people weird. The people around me also think they're strange, and even my father-in-law's sister and brother-in-law don't want any more contact with them. My mother-in-law's own mother, sisters, and brother don't want to see her anymore... And now their own daughter-in-law (me) doesn't either! And the funny thing is, it's not just about the two of them—it's about all those other people! They're really strange. She's super dominant and wants control over everything, and my father-in-law is a weak guy who claims he once accepted that she's above him and he's at the bottom... But he still has a big mouth towards me, very sneaky, dirty little man with weird tricks. And they cling to my partner, constantly trying to stay in touch with him too. It's like they're the kids and my partner is their parent... He has to entertain them, give them attention, please them, and share everything with them... So exhausting..! I hope his eyes open up someday.. pfff

  7. proud_mommy #8

    Haha, weird people. It feels good that you and others know it's on them. Two weirdos together. Birds of a feather flock together. I wouldn't complain about them to your partner. If people are nasty, they'll do everything to make you look bad. Don't give your in-laws the chance to paint you black in your partner's eyes. Enjoy your pregnancy and your partner. Let those two do their thing.

  8. Merel #9

    Nora, your father-in-law says to you “shall I just shove it up your pussy?”?!? What kind of idiots have you ended up with? And sorry, but that guy of yours has no balls either! You don’t let your dad say that to your love, do you??

  9. Nora Guest #10

    Yeah, that’s really not normal! And then he immediately thinks about being in the bath with the baby and in bed! Get out of there quickly!

  10. Nora123 started this #11

    Yeah, they're really weird people.. My father-in-law is very dumb, not really a smart person, so everyone accepts it with the thought.. That he doesn't realize he makes such remarks.. And
    Yeah, that's what my father-in-law supposedly says as a joke.. My mother-in-law and friend have also often sat there when he made such nasty 'jokes' towards me.. They act like they don't hear it or pretend it's normal.. Because that's just how dad is and they always say that about each other..
    He's a really nasty sexist man, he makes nasty sexist remarks about everything..

  11. Nora123 started this #12

    And when I came inside, my father-in-law immediately wanted to sit on my belly.. Brrr, I got goosebumps and took a step back because I really didn't want that, but he kept going on.. No way? Really not? .. I was only 7 weeks pregnant! And he was already making plans to take the toddler away on the bike and.. Going to bed and bath together! I don't trust him and I've told my boyfriend about it.. Because he's also.. Sounds really weird what I'm going to say now.. With my dog where he treated her so sexistly, went naked in the bath with her.. I didn't know anything about this, I only found out later from my boyfriend who saw it completely differently.. So as 'fun' well I see it differently! What kind of guy does that? I find it 1 very disgusting why do you have the need to do that as a guy.. And 2 it's not yours but someone else's and you can't do whatever you want with it right? He was crazy about that dog but come on this is crazy! And my mother-in-law sees all this too and just says.. Yes as if it's normal!

  12. proud_mommy #13

    I don't get why your friend accepts that. Father or no father, he should at least show respect. I did call my husband out on it, you know. That's not normal. No one should tell me "oh, he's just like that." Well, then he can just adjust himself. You need to tell your friend that he needs to stop this now. Because this isn't a life. I wouldn't feel safe in my own house because of such a jerk. Talk to your friend, tell him what's bothering you. I wish you lots of luck. You should be able to enjoy your pregnancy. But not like this. If necessary, you can just leave for a week and stay at your mom's.

  13. Nora123 started this #14

    Yeah, I’ve talked to my boyfriend about this a lot already.. He’s also told his parents multiple times that they needed to stop with the hurtful stuff and nasty comments.. It didn’t help, they just kept going.. Then that little incident happened, and the mothers started playing ‘oh, sorry, not interested’ – from then on, the bomb exploded. Since then, I’ve had no contact with them, and they’re offended with me, while my boyfriend is stuck in the middle.. He still chooses his parents’ side, I think, by going to the cinema with them and hanging out with his mom.. Every time he’s been with her, he says I should send her his regards, and it’s nice that she does that, or ‘oh my mom did this, and my mom did that’, as if nothing’s wrong.. I’m going crazy over this! He does this because he hopes I’ll then back down and make peace.. Also, after our argument, the mothers put on a show at work and handed out sweets and put them on colleagues’ desks with the message: ‘oh we’re so happy, we’re going to be grandparents!’ This while you no longer have contact with your pregnant daughter-in-law whom you’ve hurt badly and attacked! She also called my boyfriend with the message that he should apply for custody of the little one if there is one.. (we only have a cohabitation contract) while she knows I’m sitting next to him on the couch and can hear everything through the phone! From things like that.. We’ve argued about this so many times, I also tell him this isn’t normal, open your eyes! Well, yesterday I happened to talk to him about it again.. That contact was broken off when I was 7 weeks pregnant, and I see that my in-laws do little to nothing because they’re offended, and it’s never their fault.. If it really bothered them, they’d do everything to make it right, wouldn’t they? It’s your grandchild, and they’re putting on a show in the neighborhood ‘oh we’re so happy!’ But anyway, I made it clear to him yesterday that if it comes to that, they won’t be welcome after the birth, and so they don’t need to expect a birth announcement either..

  14. Besje #15

    I wouldn't want any contact either. And Jesus with your dog in the bath... And those comments. I feel like I'd almost call the police. I understand it's not easy for your friend; they're his parents, after all. But he really needs to have balls and choose the child's safety!

  15. Puck #16

    Do you really think your boyfriend is going to change here? That he'll ever stand up for you and cut contact with his parents if they keep treating you like this?
    If the answer is no, then I say: get out of there fast! Not just from your in-laws, but also from that weak guy who just accepts all this.

  16. proud_mommy #17

    I know that kind of thing with his mom—doing whatever she wants. My husband also sticks to his mom, saying things like, "Give her my regards, shall we go see Mom?" or "Is my mom coming here? We can all sit together," etc. She makes it clear that I'm not who I pretended to be, that my husband made a mistake, and that it needs to be resolved (our marriage, so to speak). But I don't care. She hasn't apologized to this day. I haven't seen her since I was three months pregnant. And when I gave birth, she came to see her grandson two weeks later, making comments about how we didn't give him a good name. "What kind of name is that?" etc. But then he also says, "It's our son, our choice." And he stands up for me, even though he sticks to her. Then she gets more worked up.

  17. Nora123 started this #18

    Thanks for all your opinions!
    I've decided to give those people no more chance, they don't need to come to the door anymore, so not even after the birth.. They can figure it out between the two of them.. They have no one else left except their son still hangs on to them...he can figure it out too! He accepts my choice but.. He also may NOT take my/his daughter alone to those two creeps without my supervision because I don't trust them and don't know what gets discussed there or what kind of things could happen there, gives me the creeps considering the past! And they always lied to me and acted like everything was normal..

  18. Moedertjuh #19

    Good so! Time to think about yourself and your baby.

  19. Besje #20

    Indeed! Make sure to set clear rules before the birth.

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