who is the father?

Otje 3 months ago #21

I'd first figure out for yourself whether you want to keep the baby. What your boyfriend or slip-up does is secondary then. I have to say that I think you should tell your boyfriend. Seems like too big a secret between you two. I'd want to know too.

Strength!

gast1018 Guest 3 months ago #22

What I'm reading is that you actually (secretly!!) really wanted to become a mother, a wish that seemed impossible because your partner thought differently. And now it's been given to you anyway! So be happy and take a moment to reflect on that first....

I would honestly and openly discuss it with your partner. He wouldn't be the first to say he never wants kids, but when it comes down to it, he's overjoyed!

I don't know how old you are, but (this is a different point) don't end up childless after 45 because your current boyfriend doesn't want to. You won't be the first where that relationship has stalled by then and you've never been able to fulfill your wishes and desires.
So, apart from boyfriend and DNA, how important is your desire for children to you?
Getting pregnant is really a little miracle!

and things don't just happen... Maybe you can have a bit more confidence that everything is fine as it is now and that all the "problems" you're worried about now will resolve themselves for the better.
Strength and Enjoy!????

plezierig 3 months ago #23

What a terrible situation... whether you decide to keep the baby or not, I think it's high time you really think about your relationship. If you really want to build a future with your partner, this slip-up shouldn't have happened, and you wouldn't have had to wonder whose child it was. Whatever you decide, it will be a tough choice, that's for sure. Maybe I sound old-fashioned, but I feel like such a secret really doesn't belong in a stable relationship.

Merel 3 months ago #24

That's not old-fashioned at all! But I don't think we'll hear how this turns out, unfortunately!

Lisette85 started this 3 months ago #25

Hi, sorry for the delayed replies.
It's been quiet for a while indeed.
We're keeping the baby, yes, but I don't want to be too hasty about everything. Someone knows already, and I'm still unsure whether I should tell my partner because everything inside me says it's also his.
I have 4 options: tell everything and become a single mom, stress out, have to sell the house, and so on.
(trust me, if I'm honest, I'd rather get rid of it)..
Option 2: wait until the first ultrasound... see how I feel then and maybe decide to spill everything after that.
Option 3: request a prenatal pregnancy test from Slippertje.
Option 4: not to worry about it too much right now and try to enjoy the pregnancy. Which really won't work if I choose option 1.

Vera 3 months ago #26

I hope you're willing to try seeing things from the other side, too. Look at it from his perspective for once. Doesn't he deserve a fair relationship? Doesn't he deserve a fair choice? Or should he just accept everything: a slip-up, a pregnancy, not knowing who the father is, AND a lie? Seems pretty unfair to me... just so it's easier for you.

In short... give your partner honesty and a choice... after all, that's what you'd want for yourself too. And if you end up facing it alone, that's the consequence of YOUR choice, and you'll have to deal with the consequences. I'm sure you'll find your way through it.

Actually... if you think you're going to have a carefree pregnancy while keeping on lying... isn't that a bit crazy? Feeling relaxed about a lie?

You have to make a choice, no one else can do it for you, but I hope my thoughts and questions give you something to think about. Good luck.

Ess20 3 months ago #27

I can’t imagine you could keep something like this from me and not let your conscience start gnawing at you. Sigh.

Merel 3 months ago #28

Totally agree with 142582! How can you be so selfish! Cheating, not using protection, then having sex with your boyfriend right after (what a shame for him, bah), and now hiding the pregnancy against his will and lying about everything you've admitted here. By the way, it looks like you've removed your post again? Didn't even know that was possible, but good luck with your choices.

Anoniem Guest 3 months ago #29

Good example for such a little one. You're familiar with cheating, it can just happen you say, example from your parents.... it's not supposed to happen, you're already starting to lie and deceive yourself. What a pity while you now have all the chances to come clean about your mistake! I wouldn't tell my partner all the details of your slip-up anyway, that seems too confrontational for him

lin95 3 months ago #30

You guys are such moral knights, seriously.. Although I agree with you; you're giving your opinion and judging, and that's exactly what you're doing now.

She wouldn't use this forum to tell her story if there wasn't a reason. It's not anonymous for nothing. Yes, it would be better if she could put herself in her partner's shoes and confess honestly, but just imagine being in her situation? Things happen, slip-ups happen too, and not just out of nowhere. If things are good in your own relationship, such things don't happen, and don't come at me with: then you shouldn't have kids at all because everyone's relationship has ups and downs.

I really hope you can make it right for your partner, your child, and yourself. Honesty will take you far, but I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Despite the fact that you unfortunately put yourself in this situation; everyone makes mistakes. Good luck!

Vera 3 months ago #31

So you're judging too, aren't you? But then based on a few replies you read, and I don't even know who you're talking about.
I'm mostly trying to ask thought-provoking questions, and I assume you weren't referring to my post.
It helps if we think together on this forum, pose thought-provoking questions, and sometimes share our own perspectives. If we share how we feel about things, that's not necessarily judgment. I hope that sharing different viewpoints will make us wiser.

lin95 3 months ago #32

I just looked back at your message, and no, this definitely wasn't about your post, but mainly about the last three posts. I agree with you that exchanging ideas is exactly what this forum is for. Asking questions is indeed functional for that. On the other hand, I find it condemning to judge what has happened, plus emphasizing how her husband should or shouldn't feel, which doesn't exactly fall under "helping" when it even involves the baby in her womb. I wish the lady in question success once again, and lots of wisdom, because the situation is far from ideal.

Vera 3 months ago #33

Thanks for the addition, that clarifies things.

Anoniem Guest 3 months ago #34

You might have a point that condemning isn't necessary, but don't you think you can also share your opinion on how you see it on a forum? Personally, I find it a bit strange when you say a slip-up can happen just because you've experienced it yourself? It might be what you're used to, but it "shouldn't" happen! Otherwise, there would be no reason to worry and feel guilty.

lin95 3 months ago #35

It's true that it's not right, I agree with you. But there are more things in life that aren't how they should be. It's odd that you immediately assume I've been through this, which luckily isn't the case. My main point is simply: try to give each other advice and help, that's what we're here for. It's easy to judge people from your own safe haven, which hopefully is nicer for most than the lady in question's situation.

Anonymous Guest 3 months ago #36

Hi Lin! I didn't post that link, by the way. The lady who wrote that story was talking about how she experienced it herself (parents, etc.). I wouldn't just link it to you, okay!

lin95 3 months ago #37

Haha, no worries! ;-) Just to clarify; I'm not here to stir up trouble either.. Sometimes I just feel like it goes way too hard (maybe unintentionally) against someone who's trying to be vulnerable, and then I think: let's advise each other, discuss solutions, and mainly just try to help.

floydi 3 months ago #38

To be honest, there's a lack of empathy for her partner in her whole story. She's vulnerable and in a tough situation now, but I think this lady should be pointed out for the hurtful things she has done and is considering doing again (lying to her partner about major things). I mean, unnecessary hurt, no, but pointing out the fact that her choices (cheating, unsafe sex) and her serious idea to not tell him anything about the pregnancy or the affair is just really hurtful and disrespectful to the man in this story. That can definitely be said, especially since this lady seems to completely ignore her boyfriend's feelings. If I were him, I'd hope that some people in real life or on a forum would encourage her to take responsibility and be honest.

Anoniem Guest 3 months ago #39

Girls like that are by definition always thinking about themselves. If she really loved her partner that much, she wouldn't have cheated. Easy to say, I know, and people make mistakes. So you cheat, but then you make the next mistake by not using a condom at all! If that isn't selfish and stupid! Next thing you know, that guy has a nasty STD, and two days later, Mrs. is throwing up with her partner, and oh please, you get an STD for free from your partner whom you thought was only yours. Did he never wonder why her back felt so sticky?

And now she's being selfish for the third time by choosing herself again and not even telling her partner that he's going to be a dad, but maybe not to a child of his own. Doesn't that man also have the right to the truth?

who is the father?

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