Mother at an older age
Baby wish, partner (still) not
LucyGuest ·
Hi everyone,
I'm new here on this forum, but I'm dealing with a problem and really wanted to share my story, hoping someone might have some useful tips.
I'm 38 (turning 39 in a few months) and have been in a relationship for a year after being single for a long time. My boyfriend is 35, and this is his first ever relationship. Things are good between us overall, and he's been clear from the start that he sees a future with me and wants to move in together. However, a few weeks ago, it turned out we have a major difference of opinion regarding children. We had quite a clash when he finally (with some difficulty) brought it up. I've been clear from the beginning of our dating that I want children (I don't have any yet, obviously) and have repeated this several times. I recently also mentioned that due to my age, I can't wait years to have them.
I've let him know that I can understand it might feel like a lot for him all at once (first relationship, then immediately someone who wants kids, etc.), but that I don't have the luxury of waiting. However, it seems like it's only in the last few weeks that it has really sunk in for him what that means, and now he suddenly says he's not ready for it yet. I know I can't force him, but I'm certainly not happy that he's only bringing this up now. I really feel like I'm running out of time because I physically have a deadline.
Since this happened, he's been quite distant, and we haven't had sex either. He cuddles me a bit in bed and then turns over to go to sleep (I barely even get a goodnight kiss). I don't want to lose him because I love him and really want a family with him, but on the other hand, I can't just sit and wait until he's ready. So, I've already gotten a referral to the hospital to discuss the option of freezing my eggs. He doesn't know this yet, by the way, because we haven't talked about it anymore since everything needed to sink in (for both of us; it was the first time we had a fight). He's a bit of a homebody, so I don't want to push him too hard either, but I'm not sure how to make this discussable now. The atmosphere has been quite awkward since then.
Does anyone have advice on how to handle this situation? What can I say to him to break the ice without putting my wishes aside?
Thanks in advance!
I'm new here on this forum, but I'm dealing with a problem and really wanted to share my story, hoping someone might have some useful tips.
I'm 38 (turning 39 in a few months) and have been in a relationship for a year after being single for a long time. My boyfriend is 35, and this is his first ever relationship. Things are good between us overall, and he's been clear from the start that he sees a future with me and wants to move in together. However, a few weeks ago, it turned out we have a major difference of opinion regarding children. We had quite a clash when he finally (with some difficulty) brought it up. I've been clear from the beginning of our dating that I want children (I don't have any yet, obviously) and have repeated this several times. I recently also mentioned that due to my age, I can't wait years to have them.
I've let him know that I can understand it might feel like a lot for him all at once (first relationship, then immediately someone who wants kids, etc.), but that I don't have the luxury of waiting. However, it seems like it's only in the last few weeks that it has really sunk in for him what that means, and now he suddenly says he's not ready for it yet. I know I can't force him, but I'm certainly not happy that he's only bringing this up now. I really feel like I'm running out of time because I physically have a deadline.
Since this happened, he's been quite distant, and we haven't had sex either. He cuddles me a bit in bed and then turns over to go to sleep (I barely even get a goodnight kiss). I don't want to lose him because I love him and really want a family with him, but on the other hand, I can't just sit and wait until he's ready. So, I've already gotten a referral to the hospital to discuss the option of freezing my eggs. He doesn't know this yet, by the way, because we haven't talked about it anymore since everything needed to sink in (for both of us; it was the first time we had a fight). He's a bit of a homebody, so I don't want to push him too hard either, but I'm not sure how to make this discussable now. The atmosphere has been quite awkward since then.
Does anyone have advice on how to handle this situation? What can I say to him to break the ice without putting my wishes aside?
Thanks in advance!
Replies
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Anonymous Guest #2
Tough situation.. normally I'd say wait until he's ready, but you don't really have that option anymore.
I also said 5 years ago that I was ready for kids, but he really didn't want to hear it then, and now within 2 months we're going to start trying. It's been a long 5 years, but definitely worth it.
Maybe you should just tell him about the appointment? Maybe then he'll realize how important this is for you. -
Puck #3
Of course, you'll just have to talk to him about it. By staying silent and doing things behind his back, you'll never improve your relationship.
I totally get how you feel, but trying to have a baby is something you should do as a couple. A child might be part of the future, but your partner is already here now, and in my opinion, he should be the most important thing right now. So my advice would be to first work through your feelings together, and only then take action.
I also wonder what your alternative is. Suppose he really doesn't want kids in the coming years: are you going to leave him? Are you going to try to have a baby on your own? Are you going to rush into a new relationship just to end up in the same spot in 1-2 years (a desire for children combined with a (too) new relationship)? Maybe it's worth thinking about the future if you push this to the extreme.
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