Feeling hopeless and losing all confidence...

Dear Leetje,
First of all: sending you lots of strength, girl.
It's not something you just brush off. Having a huge desire for a child and then experiencing a miscarriage. Sadness, pain, longing...
And then, on top of that, seeing all the people around you who get pregnant so easily. For some girls, it's been set aside, for others, unfortunately, not so quickly.
Stay strong, girl, things will work out for you too. At least you can get pregnant—your body has already proven that.
The fact that it went wrong this time doesn't mean it will go wrong next time either. No one can say that for sure.
Try to stay positive, girl—that will keep you strong.
We, the girls here, are here for you!

Unfortunately, we don't have control over it ourselves, dear Leetje.
Our body decides if it's ready to grow a baby.
I always kept in mind (after my miscarriages) that my body rejected it because it wasn't right. It did help me a bit, in regaining trust in my body.
Maybe it'll help you a little too?
Good to hear that you can talk about it well with your husband. Staying strong together is so important!

This is indeed an extra tough month with lots of memories of how things could have been... Strength, girl! Your time will come for sure! It's really good that you're sharing your story with us.

Hi Leetje,

Unfortunately, I really relate to how you feel. I had a miscarriage here on December 12th, with a D&C, and I was just under 9 weeks pregnant. The baby had stopped growing at 3 weeks, and my body showed no signs at all of a spontaneous miscarriage starting.

For us, this was our third child, and you get all sorts of people telling you: "But you already have 2 healthy kids..." But that kind of reaction hurts so much. Just because we already have 2 kids doesn't mean this loss hurts any less. On the contrary, we know what we're missing, we knew what we should have seen on the ultrasound, what I should have been feeling...

Unfortunately, my body isn't cooperating either. I still haven't had a period, though I've already had 2 ovulations. It makes you so unsure of your own body.

In the meantime, I've started a Facebook group. I don't always find the support here on the forum that I hoped for, and some topics are also way too big. If you feel like it, you're welcome to join the group. It would be nice if we could get a few more members, not because it's nice to have so much grief, but because talking helps in this processing phase. We all know what it's like to lose a baby, we all want a baby, and we're all looking for support to process our grief. The group is called "zwanger worden na een miskraam" (Getting pregnant after a miscarriage). According to some, it's not easy to find. If you want to join but can't find the group, just let me know, and I'll see if I can send you the link.

Hi Leetje,
it's a closed group, so you first need to ask the admins for approval before you can join and read/post messages.
I understand that frustration with the question; we didn't tell many people about the miscarriage here. My mom knows because she was looking after the kids, and a few good friends and moms at the school gate. My in-laws know absolutely nothing. My husband wants to wait until we're pregnant again (hopefully). We know our in-laws will come out with a lot of nonsense, and we have no desire for that, so we're keeping it hidden for now, as long as possible. You never know when our daughter might bring it up, but so far, she hasn't said anything in public about the baby we lost. She didn't even know I was pregnant at first; we told her the evening before the D&C because we felt we couldn't hide it from her—she's 5 and clearly understood something was wrong.
It's indeed terrible to be constantly reminded of the loss by others. It's hard enough to process it yourself, and you definitely don't need those stupid reactions from others. Are you being followed up by your gynecologist? They monitored me well to see if my cycle would return completely, which was a big support for me. My gynecologist is an angel; I can't describe her any other way.
The chance that you won't get pregnant might partly be because your body isn't ready yet, but also because you're thinking about it too much. And I know how easy it is to say "don't think about it," but it's true. I got pregnant with both my son and our *baby* in a month when I absolutely didn't expect to be, strange as it sounds.
Take your time to process everything and give yourself a break, girl. Know that you're definitely not alone and you can always share your story.

@Leentje, of course it hurts, dear. It's such a loss!! Especially since it would have been your first baby.
And then those comments from people around you... so incredibly painful!! People who haven't been through it don't know what it's like.
Those people should maybe think about how it would be if it doesn't just happen to get pregnant or to lose a baby.
For us, it would have been our first baby too. Unfortunately, we've had 2 miscarriages already.
We're starting IUI now. Next Tuesday an ultrasound to see how my eggs are maturing, and then off to the first IUI.

Strength, Leetje! It's so very sad. My due date was last month and I'm not pregnant again yet. In total, it's been 20 months now longing for a 2nd child, while I got pregnant right away with my daughter. So unfair and you do get discouraged by it. I even had depressive symptoms, I really lost all trust in my body.
I feel a bit better now, I've put it all out of my mind a bit and try to keep busy with other things. So no baby, apparently the time isn't ripe yet and it'll come at another moment. We're still trying, but I don't want to be so obsessed with it anymore.
I hope for you that it really happens soon!

Hi Leetje,
in Belgium you have a fixed OB-GYN. With my daughter I had a male doctor; my daughter was breech from 24 weeks and never turned. He kept assuring me she would turn and a C-section wouldn't be necessary. At 37 weeks he casually said, "Come back next Wednesday for your C-section." It hurt so much to hear that; I was terrified of anesthesia. I had a really hard time bonding with my daughter afterwards, but it's slowly getting better now (she turned 5 on Nov 28). When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I contacted another OB-GYN. She guided me from then on. At 12 weeks we had a bad blood test result and it turned out I had an increased chance of having a child with a chromosome abnormality 13/18 (babies often pass away before birth or live max 5 years with almost continuous hospital admissions, surgeries...) so we had a NIP test done. Fortunately, it came back negative, but then there was the fear of a 2nd C-section. My OB-GYN had a whole plan to avoid the C-section. I was allowed to go up to 40w+10d; if I had 3cm dilation by then, she would break my waters in hopes of inducing labor. Fortunately, that wasn't needed; I gave birth at 40w3d in just 3 hours and 9 minutes. I woke up at midnight sharp with my first contraction and gave birth to my son at 3:09 that night. My OB-GYN is a treasure; she always knew how to keep me calm and always knew which words to use...
And now this setback, she talked me through it here too. I'm still under control because I still haven't had a period.
On 22/1 was my follow-up, there was a very nice follicle of 18mm visible, which points to an impending ovulation. Through ovulation tests I knew I had ovulated on Jan 24/25. I had to wait until 12/2; if I didn't have a period by then I had to schedule a new appointment. On 1/3 I had a new appointment, there she saw a very nice thickened uterine lining and very nice follicles in both ovaries. Still, I had to have blood drawn to rule out early menopause. The blood results were very good; I had even already ovulated, but she couldn't tell me when. Now I have to wait until 16/3; if I still don't have a period by then I have to schedule another check-up with her. I thought I finally got my period last Friday, but unfortunately after exactly 1 day the bleeding stopped again yesterday afternoon. I suspect I'll have to schedule another check-up.

@ Leentje,
You can ask me anything, girl.
We've been at it for 4 years now. Unfortunately, after 2 miscarriages, we still have no good news to share.
Since last week, I've started injecting hormones. I do it myself. Those hormones help the eggs mature. The hospital wants to see a maximum of 3 eggs maturing. If there are more, everything gets canceled. Once the eggs are mature, I'll get another injection to trigger ovulation, and then insemination happens.
It's all so exciting! Tomorrow we're going for the first ultrasound to see if and how many eggs are maturing.

Dear Leentje,
Indeed, try to hold on to the fact that you can get pregnant, just like the other ladies say. I know from experience how hard it is to face that disappointment every month, and then on top of that, the people around you who do get pregnant (sometimes even by accident).
We've been trying for our first baby since October 2016. By December 2017, I was so fed up with waiting that we took the step to see the GP. I just wanted to know if everything was okay. I used ovulation tests and the basal body temperature method, so it really couldn't be due to having sex at the wrong times.
Eventually, we were referred to a gynecologist specializing in reproductive medicine. There, we received the terrible news that no sperm cells were found in my fiancé. We got this news on January 31st.
The next step was a visit to the urologist to find out the problem and see if there were still options (through surgery). To our great sorrow and shock, there was a waiting list, and we had to wait until March 29th for an ultrasound and a consultation. I still get sad thinking about it: how can they bring this news and then leave you to your fate for two months? I find it inhumane.
Now, the 29th is almost here. I hope the ultrasound will bring clarity and hopefully good news.
After that, many more tests will follow before we can hopefully start treatment and our dream will come true.
I really don't wish this whole medical circus on anyone. I hope you all get pregnant soon

Leentje, how are you doing these days?

Sorry... I meant Leetje...