Forum Biechthoekje

terrible mother-in-law

39 replies · page 1 of 2

princess
Hey,

Secretly I’m really hoping someone here has tips for dealing with a terrible mother-in-law...

I was very happy with my boyfriend and we bought a house somewhere near our parents’ because we didn’t want any drama and wanted to live our own lives.

Now, my in-laws moved in right next to us three months later, even though they knew we absolutely didn’t want that. The father-in-law does nothing wrong and is actually nice to have so close by. But her... PFFFF She controls us, and it’s truly obsessive. She meddles in everything we do. She decides what we’re going to do, how we’re going to do it, etc. She’s basically taking over our lives, and it’s driving me crazy. As soon as I show even the slightest bit of resistance, I’m the villain, and she claims I’m saying their whole family is bad, etc. (those are her words). But honestly, I feel like I don’t fit into the family because of her. And since she got her first real grandchild from her daughter, my son (from another relationship) has been pushed way into the background and can’t do anything right anymore. (And everyone agrees...)

It’s gotten so bad right now that I’m torn between moving away with my boyfriend or leaving him. We always argue about her. He says I’m right, but when the moment comes, he doesn’t stand up for me and just gives in to her.

I’m really at my wit’s end

Replies

Page 1 of 2

  1. * #2

    Oh girl, I totally relate to your situation so much.
    Both as a mother-in-law
    and also as a sister-in-law...
    We also had a lot of fights about it... But eventually my partner saw the light
    and supports me where he can..

    We went through terrible situations like having to rearrange the flowers in the vase differently..
    She would drop by uninvited whenever it suited her, really super brazen....
    But eventually I made my boundaries very clear to her, so that's resolved.
    A mother-in-law is a different family than a sister-in-law..

    About the sister-in-law who even cursed at me while I was heavily pregnant...
    But luckily that's resolved too, but it cost a ton of fights
    and also indeed almost led to estrangement.. we live next to his sister so unfortunately the sister-in-law isn't very nice at all
    We put the house on the market but unfortunately because the finances aren't quite right yet
    but the house will eventually go back on the market, believe me..

    My advice is to come to an equal level with your partner and explain to him
    that you really don't like this situation and that it hurts you a lot
    that he always lets you down in situations where you're actually right but he
    still gives his mother the benefit of the doubt..

    And that if nothing changes you really can't take it anymore and maybe you want to move away with him..

    Love and I hope you work it out
    Also pretty mean of your son, that's never good
    and besides a child has nothing to do with it
    I really think it's very sad too

  2. princess started this #3

    I'm already happy that I'm not the only one!

    I've tried explaining it to my boyfriend 100,000 times, and every time he says I'm right and that he understands me, etc... but when it comes down to it, he always chooses his mom...

    And yeah, he doesn't want to move, because we've only been here for a year, we know the whole neighborhood, the oldest goes to school nearby, we also work close by... Our start to the rest of our lives began here, and we'd have to give that up for them.. He himself has already said that she should move back, but he definitely doesn't dare to say that to them.. And oh no, if I ever say something about them that they're not doing well.. Somehow, she always manages to turn everyone against me, and then I end up having to apologize..

    She already feels that I'm about to explode, and then says that I should speak up if something's wrong, but that just doesn't work out... I fear this will never change.. Not even if we or she move..

  3. Irma 1987 #4

    jeez, that's so sad if she's choosing sides. Do you guys have no contact anymore?

    We're glad we're not in this situation. Our relationships on both sides are amazing. Sure, there are disagreements sometimes, but they're talked about.

    But a mother-in-law is a mother-in-law. The mother of your husband can never be or replace your own mother. My bond with my mom is many times stronger after the birth of my son, but also with my mother-in-law, just in a different way.

    Hope people can advise you.

  4. Irma 1987 #5

    But what does your husband or partner think? Can't he just sit down with his mom?
    After all, she's his mom.

  5. princess started this #6

    Since they live right across from us, there's always something going on every day. You just can't avoid her, because she's at the door every day (usually during the most difficult moments ever).

    My boyfriend never says anything to his mom about it. I'm sure of that. It seems like he's actually afraid of her. Everyone really sees her as the big boss in the family, and she'll always do everything she can to make things go her way.

  6. princess started this #7

    Ooow???? Here it exploded this weekend and I went back to my parents' place to sleep with my oldest son. My friend came to pick me up already crying and said he was going to fix everything etc... Meanwhile, 3 days later I'm still trying to explain everything to them in letters, but I'm not allowed to hand them over by my friend because that might go down the wrong throat.. but she can just set the rest of their family against me..
    I don't know anymore.. and it's not like I can escape it for a while because they live across the street... pff

  7. Irma 1987 #8

    Yikes, that sounds so obsessive.

    Relationships with both sets of parents are usually okay, but it's just different in a way. When she calls, she often does so through me about the craziest things. Sometimes I say, "Fine," and sometimes I say, "I'll discuss it and call back." We're there more often than here, I guess. It's easy; she could just come to us. She's my grandson too, and I'm very grateful. Don't misunderstand me.

    Just visit your own parents a bit more, which is probably understandable. That way, they still have a grandson, and the daughter gets more attention.

    I've accepted that my dear son won't lack anything.

    It was Sunday, we went shopping with them (the in-laws). The sister-in-law called through us because she didn't have her phone. "Can I speak to Mom?" I told my husband, "Just don't pick up for stupid things." It's probably jealousy that we're doing something nice too. Sigh, goodness, a 31-year-old woman, sigh.

  8. Irma 1987 #9

    Definitely now that I'm pregnant with my second, I'm even more of a bundle of nerves and get irritated faster.

  9. Eev #10

    That's so incredibly tough, especially since they live right across from you!
    Sjee
    And those letters—so good that you wrote everything down on paper. Yeah, I totally get your friend. With my in-laws, everything is also just so wrong.
    Would those letters actually solve anything? I doubt it too.
    But it really is your friend's job to stand up for you and handle the situation further. Maybe taking a timeout and giving each other some space would be good. Good luck, and don't let them get to you!

  10. Eev #11

    In-laws sigh...
    Sounds like a jealous sister-in-law... Don't do anything about it. Strength to you.

  11. Eev #12

    In-laws sigh...
    Sounds like a jealous sister-in-law... Don't do anything about it. Strength to you.

  12. * #13

    How are things now with you...
    Have you been able to discuss anything with your husband yet?

  13. princess started this #14

    It’s gotten so bad that I went to my parents’ for the weekend, and now my partner and I only argue or don’t talk to each other at all. I’m afraid this is the end..

  14. * #15

    Oh my goodness, that's absolutely terrible... I hope you'll still manage to work things out... Stay strong.

  15. princess started this #16

    Thank you, but honestly, I've already stopped hoping for it ????

  16. Eev #17

    Strength to you, girl, that's awful! Hope you can still sort it out.

  17. * #18

    How did it escalate like that, if I may ask?

  18. princess started this #19

    His sister suddenly showed up at our house to meddle even more and wouldn’t leave, even though we asked her to. She called me crazy… (my mom has a serious mental illness, so that hit hard..) and he even defended her. His mom made a big deal about him having to work on the 25th, and suddenly he wants to take time off for her, but not for me.. I just feel so unimportant to him..

  19. * #20

    Wow, that's awful... Your sister-in-law has no respect...
    And why doesn't he stand up for you? It's all so disappointing...
    Especially with the holidays just around the corner...
    Did you maybe still talk to your partner... so that at least you can say everything that's bothering you...
    It's really a shame that he didn't want to take time off on the 25th for you...
    I get the feeling that his mother and sister are putting a lot of pressure on your partner...
    Really sad...
    Lots of love and strength...
    Even though the escalation was inevitable, I hope you can still talk it out...

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