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Relationship frustration, dealing with money, work, and kids

18 replies

beertje2012
Hi everyone,

I'm struggling with something I can't really talk about with my husband at home... and I really need to get this off my chest.

We run our household together and work together. He works 36 hours and has a good job. I'm currently working 24 hours instead of 32 due to budget cuts at work. We aren't married under a community of property because our incomes, savings, and his student loan are too far apart.

I'm now pregnant (24 weeks) with our second child, and I'm actually really glad to work a bit less right now; I've been quite tired lately. Plus, the upbringing of our daughter falls mostly on my shoulders.

The problem is just that my husband and I disagree hugely about money. He thinks I should go back to working 32 hours after my maternity leave, while raising two kids. I'd definitely want to stick to three days at first. But he feels I should contribute as much money as he does, even though our salaries are very different right now. He earns about 4 times as much as I do. And yet, we both pay the same amount towards fixed costs, groceries, and savings.

What mainly bothers me and causes most of our arguments is that I have €10 left per month, while he still has enough for fun things like going out, eating out, buying clothes, and going to the hairdresser. Last week I had to cancel my hair appointment because I just couldn't afford it anymore. Let alone doing something nice with friends.

I've talked to him about it, but he says he needs all those extras to cope with his demanding job. Meanwhile, I'm crumbling under the pressure. I feel like I can't go anywhere. This also makes me feel bad in my skin. The fact that last Sunday was Mother's Day and he casually said at the end of the day: "We looked but couldn't find anything," really made me sad. Even if it was just a nice craft project from my daughter. I don't need expensive things in my life, but I just can't stand his stinginess anymore.

Replies

  1. Madelene #2

    Hi sweetie, that's all really tough. I can totally understand and relate to your situation. You know, men are just wired differently. But reading your story, I don't think it's entirely fair that he says he needs those things to get through it. You deserve that just as much. I think having nice things for relaxation to help you cope with the stress of the day is important.

    But what's always good is saving, even for the kids now, so they don't have to rely on anyone later. Saving for their studies, for example. Save for your family, but don't forget yourself. Save for the family all year round, and then enjoy the nice things during your vacation. That way, you'll feel a sense of fulfillment for what you've saved for.

    But getting some relaxation is just as important for you as it is for your husband. For both of you, it needs to be balanced. So save for your family and your future, but the vacation should be sacred so you can do fun things and enjoy yourselves. Try to explain it to him like that.

    Strength and hugs, Madelene.

  2. Lies #3

    Oh my, I really find your story quite unpleasant to read. In a relationship, it’s nice to be on the same page, and that can’t always happen... but this is a bit inconsiderate on your boyfriend's part (sorry for saying it like that).

    Sorry in advance for my long reply:

    In most households, the man earns more (and often works more hours). As you say, you do most of the child-rearing, and that’s a job too! Unfortunately unpaid, but still...

    As an accountant, I can point out that if you file joint income tax and both work, you usually qualify for an income-dependent combination allowance. This can earn you around 1000 euros per year. Actually, you have a right to that, so maybe you can agree with your boyfriend that you take that 1000 euros "for yourself" to put on your own savings account, for example for the hairdresser. Because apart from it being fun, you also want to look good (and that’s important to him too ). Maybe you can also agree that your holiday pay stays with you for those special expenses. Then you’ll have at least a bit more than 10 euros without him noticing right away each month

    What I usually recommend to my clients is the following distribution: You each have your own account and a joint account. First, calculate what your fixed costs are for the joint account (e.g., mortgage, gas/water/electricity, groceries, etc.). That amount must be deposited there every month regardless. Also calculate how much you want to save (if possible), and that amount must also go to the joint account. Additionally, calculate how much you need on your own account for the hairdresser, phone, and a buffer to occasionally buy something fun. Subtract this last amount from your salary and keep it on your own account. Deposit the rest into the joint account. And yes, this means he deposits more into the joint account than you do, but he also earns more... so that’s a logical ratio.

    Try to make him realize that the joint account isn’t just a requirement for unpleasant things (mortgage, etc.) but that it’s your future. You can also do nice things with the family using it. You both need to be doing well, and you’re both working towards that. Child-rearing costs time, and you’re investing that time because he has a good (better-paid) job.

    That’s how it works in most families It’s nice to have financial flexibility, but step 1 is for both of you to be satisfied and able to get by. You love each other, so you’d wish that for each other, right?! You can try to expand the rest later.... Having children means making concessions, especially financially. It’ll work out again once they’re a bit older.

    Hopefully, you find this helpful. As an accountant, I also help more families with this problem, so what you’re writing isn’t strange at all. Unfortunately, I hear it very often, and I really hope your boyfriend can come to some realization. Because he wants to keep his financial (old) life as it was... and unfortunately, that’s not going to happen. But he also needs to realize that he’s not suddenly doing badly if there’s a bit less to spend

  3. * #4

    @lies,

    You explained that so beautifully and clearly; many more people could use that...

  4. Lies #5

    @mavanmi
    Thank you so much!

    @Mandy
    That's so nice that you both agree! I had to laugh at your comment about the hairdresser voucher on Mother's Day... you're absolutely right! Sometimes it can be so simple, and not all men get that

  5. Muus86 #6

    Pff, geez, that startled me. It was the other way around for us for a while. I earned more than he did, and it never even occurred to me not to share my money with him. I also have a stressful job, but that's no excuse to just keep everything nice and cozy for myself. Now the roles have switched again because you have a better job now. We have a budget for household, food and drink, baby stuff, care, unexpected costs, and the like. We also have a pot for 'doing fun things together' and each of us keeps some money aside to spend on ourselves. I go to the hairdresser with it, and he buys extra meat to BBQ with . And if he has money left over from his pot, he buys me a flower every now and then to surprise me. I understand that some people think differently about this, but it's indeed what the rest say, you share your life... if you can't work as much as he does, then he should also support you financially. And making a little gift for Mother's Day together with your child is really not worth the effort. Finger paint, a big sheet of paper, and having fun making a mess for mom is really all that's needed.......

    I think it's really tough for you and hope your partner is open to reason. Because no one can keep this up. Strength!

  6. beertje2012 started this #7

    It's true that I love my husband, but the love is fading as he becomes more and more cheap about money matters and just lets me down.

    I don't feel valued. Besides my job, I run the house and care for our little girl with love. Our second baby already seems to get less attention than our girl.

    The money issue just drags on. He wants to get the room done as cheaply as possible. No nice extras, no ticket because I can't afford to pay.

    While he can still have fun outings with friends and take a weekend getaway.

    I'm just getting so tired of this. I've already pushed myself aside quite a bit, but our unborn son shouldn't have to suffer from this later on.

    I really want to save our relationship and get back to how things used to be.
    When we could still communicate normally and everything wasn't about money.

  7. Madelene #8

    Bear 2012 try to come to an agreement with him respectfully here and mention that you wish things were like they used to be. Remind him how nice it was back then and how much you'd like to have that back a little.

    My husband is a homebody himself and never goes out with his friends either, so I don't have that problem. But it doesn't seem very sociable to me if it's like that often.

    Try to express your appreciation for the things he does do well and ask him if you can have a bit more cooperation between you. Because you need him as a man. That way he'll realize he needs to be more there for you; that's usually the best way to get a man on your side.

    Just subtly and femininely let him know that you need him and what you need from him. That brings out his masculinity, so he'll cooperate and want to. Men are just wired differently. And sometimes you need to subtly and cleverly spark his masculinity so that you get what you need most from him.

    Hope you manage it

  8. beertje2012 started this #9

    I had a few conversations with him six weeks ago about how things were going for me and what he thought. I had written this down beforehand so I wouldn’t come across as too accusatory.

    He reacted in a normal way and was also just really sweet. In the meantime, I was also in the hospital twice with a kidney infection. He handled that okay too.

    But now, for the past two weeks, his attitude has completely flipped 180 degrees.

    - Last week, the fridge broke down because of the heat. He felt it was necessary for me to contribute to that. Which makes sense, but it’s not logical when I only have about ten euros left per month. What on earth am I supposed to do?? And still, I feel guilty... I want to make it work. I’ve now listed some clothes/shoes/bags I can sell on Marktplaats to earn some money... (which has gone pretty well).

    But then, two hefty hospital bills arrived... super sh*t. I can tell him about the costs of the admissions, and he just says nothing, even when I ask for help. I literally carry everything on my own. It really feels like we’re just housemates instead of a man and woman... I feel absolutely zero support.

    - Last Monday, he proposed going to the Efteling in autumn.. : he said: "I think it would be nice to go to the Efteling in October." So I thought: yes, how nice, a date first, then a family outing later. Not really for the baby, but very nice for our daughter. I reacted spontaneously. But then he announced that he would go only with our daughter. And I’m not allowed to come, or I have to find a free ticket. That came across as really weird. He tried to brush it off bluntly (because my in-laws were also at the table) saying that our daughter also needs quality time. After the birth of our son... understandable, but the way he brought it up... quite tactical..

    - Tonight he started talking about his best friend who lives and works in Asia. He really wants to visit him.. A ticket costs about €1000,- and he wants to do that at the end of this year. I made it clear to him that I find it a bit inappropriate. To leave me dealing with the fridge while I’m pushed into a corner just to get by, and he goes on vacation generously. The previous evening he was already moody, probably expecting that I wouldn’t find it so nice. It was our first evening together in months due to his work. And he completely distances himself.

    - He’s also now trying to push back against the name we chose together for our son It’s suddenly not nice anymore.. He comes home with two pairs of expensive shoes, meaning I need them.. (I can’t even afford a suitable maternity bra/clothing..)

    Sometimes I think he might be heading towards a burnout. Or that he just doesn’t see things so well with me since this pregnancy because I was very tired in the beginning.. I’ve had a lot of problems with ailments recently.

    But he basically doesn’t let me in.. He literally said tonight: "Give me a nice reason to come home." Then he left for a concert on the beach. I’m really at my wit’s end. While I’m cooking in the evening, putting our daughter to bed, washing dishes, and tidying up the house. I’m exhausted. 33 weeks pregnant almost and only hard contractions... I’m really not trying to be a stupid person, but I want to be honest and sweet. But I probably do everything wrong. I just feel incredibly insecure,..and I wasn’t before. I’m starting to lose myself a bit at times. I have to cry a lot, I feel insecure... sometimes I start walking on eggshells.. to keep things pleasant at home.

    I’ve now mapped out future plans for myself since this month.

    - In January 2016, I want to start my own business in the form of an online shop. (luckily we have a pro web designer and a pro programmer in the family)
    Until my delivery, I want to work on my business plan and financial plan. + go to a KVK seminar.

    And after my delivery, I’ll take some rest. Then at the end of this year, I’ll inquire about possible financing. That keeps me going for now, and gives me some positivity. So that hopefully I become financially independent sooner.

    Hopefully, we’ll get out of this dip we’re in soon. And if not, I’ll choose my kids. But I don’t want to just give up.

    It does lift my spirits a bit to be able to unload my heart here.. So it doesn’t pile up inside.

  9. Anoniem Guest #10

    I would've left him ages ago. You don't want to be treated like that, do you? He's hurting you on purpose. Maybe you'd be better off being alone than with someone like that. I can see why it's so hard to do that, especially since you're 33 weeks pregnant.

    But I would've packed my stuff and left. I don't know if you have somewhere to stay, but I would've gone. Maybe it'll wake him up then.

  10. a muis #11

    What a heavy story! I really think it's super unpleasant for you that he acts like that. Hope you can get back on your own feet soon, and then I'd move away from him. I mean, he just treats you like you're garbage. I wouldn't put up with this.

    My partner and I aren't married yet, but we have all our bills together; he pays more than I do. I'm fully disabled and in the Wajong scheme. But he doesn't think it's important that I contribute less than he does. He always says as long as we're together, it's fine and I'm happy.

    Hope you two sort it out soon, or that you choose your kids and especially yourself!

  11. Firstone2016 #12

    It's intense to feel this way.. especially during this period. It doesn't sound to me like you two (he..) are thinking as a couple, as one. Very selfish, and unsustainable. However, I can't imagine this is coming up for the first time now; it's clearly part of his character. I completely understand that you don't want to just give this up, but you'll need to think for yourself and for the children. Something that seems very difficult for him. Maybe he'll only realize what he has/had when it's no longer there. Sometimes drastic measures are needed to wake someone up. If that doesn't help, then it's clear. Wishing you lots of strength during this difficult time!

  12. beertje2012 started this #13

    Thanks for your replies. I haven't been online for a while.

    I gave birth to a little boy

    It was a bit early, I think also because of the stress and the infections I had.

    My relationship was actually fine for a while before and after the birth.

    But now some cracks are showing, and I'm afraid we won't make it together.

    We had a fight tonight. Mostly my fault. I lied about a purchase. He does check on me pretty closely.

    And I just don't dare do anything at all. I don't dare hang out with friends.

    And now he's angry. And what he's saying now is that he's there for the kids but not for me.

    There's such a grim atmosphere right now.

    I've completely messed it up

  13. madelene #14

    A little congratulations on the birth of your son.
    Try to explain to him how it came about that you kept the purchase hidden from him.
    It's actually a very understandable reaction from you, seeing as you check everything, and then you automatically start keeping things hidden.
    Very human.
    Try to explain that to him and then give him some time to think about it.
    Because that's just how it goes with men; it takes longer.
    I would consider therapy to find a way out together, because it would be a shame if you both have a son together.
    Try to work through these things first before putting a period to it.
    Strength with everything.
    And don't feel guilty.
    No one is without sins, you have to think that.
    Rather try to find a way to come out of this together.
    Therapy might seem heavy,
    But it can give that one push in the right direction.
    Strength onward.
    Greetings, Madelene

  14. madelene #15

    Oh, I meant to congratulate Beertje in my message, typed it a bit too fast.

  15. * #16

    Sweetie, I don't feel like you're doing anything wrong..
    Terribly sorry, by the way, you just congratulated yourselves on having a little baby..
    But it's not really a healthy situation.
    Think about your little boy in what you're going through right now.....

    Strength in the fight.....

  16. Liesseling #17

    For us, it's been "our" money from day 1 that we've been living together. I don't work at all (except for a few hours a month), but oh well...

    Now I know a married couple who also keep their own money separate. They have a joint account where they both deposit their share of the monthly expenses, and it's based on percentages, not just splitting it in half. They both also put some money into a savings account for holidays and stuff, and whatever's left is for themselves.

  17. Liesseling #18

    I should’ve read the rest before replying; my post had already been brought up multiple times.

    Secretly, I hope you’ve already made a choice for yourself and the kids, because he clearly doesn’t deserve you or you all.

  18. Miep #19

    Just to be super clear: you did nothing wrong, anywhere, I mean NOTHING! I see the pattern here of a guy who probably saw the "home, tree, animal" (traditional family roles) very differently and has quite a few selfish, if not narcissistic, traits.

    Make it clear to him that things can't go on like this, that you're doubting whether he still loves you, and that you'd rather raise the kids on your own.
    Sign up for social housing and show it to him, or leave your PC/tablet open on a housing search site once. If he's such a control freak, he'll notice.
    Maybe he'll then realize you're serious.

    And if he says "go ahead," well, you'll know where you stand.
    Then you can choose your own happiness, instead of being unhappy in a relationship where the dynamics are off.

    You won't be the first mom who has to make a fresh start with a baby and choose happiness for herself and her kids.

    Wishing you lots of strength in this situation, and choose what feels best for you!

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