Forum Baby wish

stepmom but really want my own baby

11 replies

kusjesrosalie
Hi everyone, I'll introduce myself briefly. My name is Rosalie, I'm 24, and I've been with Bob (38) for two years. Bob has two wonderful kids from a previous relationship, a 7-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. He shares co-parenting with his ex, and it's going smoothly. My biggest dream is to become a mother myself. Bob knew this from the start, but he only told me 4 months into our relationship that he got sterilized 3 years ago. This hit me like a bomb. Now, seeing all my friends trying to get pregnant or already pregnant, I keep thinking, "I want that too! With Bob." I recently brought this up with him and explained that I'd really like to have a child of my own. His response was: "I didn't make that decision 3 years ago for no reason, and I won't promise you that I'll ever reverse it." I naturally asked him what his reasons were. They are: He doesn't think it's fair to his own kids (because "our" child would always be allowed to stay with dad) And he doesn't want kids with two different women because if we ever break up, he'd have to deal with two custody arrangements. I find this difficult because I'm crazy about Bob and his kids. And I don't want to leave him, and he doesn't want to leave me, he always says. But my wish is so strong... Does anyone have tips or advice? Thanks in advance.

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Love, Rosalie

Replies

  1. * #2

    @Rosalie,

    mmh, this must be really hard for you.
    From Bob's perspective, I can understand his reasoning, but it's not entirely fair
    towards you, personally speaking..
    You're only 24 and I understand that your biological clock is ticking loudly
    especially when friends around you are pregnant or thinking about it.
    I don't know if sterilization is reversible, but well, you could
    still have the conversation again in a while.. I obviously wish you your little miracle
    together with Bob. But that he brings up the possibility of 2 custody arrangements and that it wouldn't be fair
    if a baby is born and stays with dad and his new girlfriend who would always be with dad, I honestly don't find that much of an argument.
    Discussing and discussing again seems like a good idea..
    A desire for a child doesn't just go away..
    Love, Ju or wel mavanmi

  2. irma Guest #3

    Wow, that's tough. I don't really know what to say.

    I don't know, I'd say follow your heart, but do you think it can still be turned around by your partner?

  3. kusjesrosalie started this #4

    Thank you so much for your replies.
    Sterilization can be reversed, but the question is whether he'll ever agree to have it done... I find it so difficult, because I don't want to lose him, but on the other hand, I really want to have a child of our own... such a dilemma

  4. Madelene #5

    Hi Rosalie, I totally get how you feel. You love him and really want to start a little family of your own, just the two of you. But I also understand his perspective. His considerations are tough, and I’m afraid pushing him might backfire. It doesn’t feel right to him regarding his own kids, which is also understandable—it’s a really sensitive issue for him. I think there’s not much you can do; otherwise, he might end up with terrible guilt feelings toward his children. I’m afraid you won’t be able to persuade him.

    Best, Madelene

  5. * #6

    @Rosalie,

    I would still talk to him about what it does to you that you can't have a baby of your own and how much you'd like to do that with him.. don't you have the feeling that when you're a bit older and you look back on the situation and you don't have a baby because your husband didn't want to at the time, that he would have his sterilization reversed.

    But of course the choice is yours Rosalie what you're going to do of course..

    Love Ju or well MavanMi

  6. kusjesrosalie started this #7

    @mavanMI,
    I'm not so sure anymore. I feel (or at least I think) that if I keep pushing this, he'll see it as "nagging." And on the other hand, I'm still so young that I'm afraid it might come between us someday, and I'd end up choosing my wish anyway. Which I don't think is fair to him or his kids. I'm 100% committed to this relationship and to his children. But my own baby is my biggest wish...

  7. * #8

    @Rosalie,

    Dear girl, I would think carefully about what you really want if I were you.
    I understand that you're 100% committed to your relationship, but don't lose sight of your own wishes.

    Big hug

  8. Betty #9

    Poe, that’s no small thing to say only after months in a relationship. I get both his side and yours. Keep talking to each other, hiding it won’t help, but keep it to yourself. I’m just afraid those rattling ovaries won’t settle down, quite the opposite.

    I’m curious though.. Are kids always welcome, I hope? I assume it has something to do with a visitation arrangement? And if we were to start from the negative and break up, I find a visitation arrangement with 2 mothers quite difficult, which I think is a shame, since this situation could already cost you your relationship, I fear.

  9. Nellie Timmermans Guest #10

    It's incredibly tough, but if you can't talk about it, it'll just stay between you two... Besides, your boyfriend wasn't honest—he only told you about the sterilization afterwards... That way, he's also taken on part of the responsibility for the problem. I think you should keep talking about it, because if you don't stay true to yourself, you'll end up regretting it. I think you really need to reflect on what you want... What do you want?
    It's really hard... Strength to you.

  10. Betty #11

    Just stay true to your own feelings. Maybe occasionally ask about his feelings with open-ended questions, without judging. Maybe he can ask his kids themselves what they think.
    Maybe there's something else going on, maybe he really isn't ready yet. It's quite a responsibility for dads, and he already knows that feeling.
    It's tough, and don't hesitate to seek professional help if it's standing in the way between you two.
    It's so nice that you're handling things so well together! As a teacher, you hear it differently, and we see how much of a burden the children can feel from it. Big respect! And strength with the dilemma. Xxx

  11. Anoniem Guest #12

    I'm in about the same situation. How are things going for you now?

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