Tomorrow NOD, I'm so scared!

Hi everyone,

I just need to get this off my chest because I feel so awful today. A month ago, we stopped using condoms because we were finally allowed to try for a baby again. I have a 7-year-old daughter, and our second baby passed away at 35 weeks. After that, I wasn't allowed to get pregnant again because of the medication I was taking. That ended up lasting 5 years, during which I just kept watching the moment when I could finally stop my meds slip further and further away. It was really hard, but I held on, and last summer I finally stopped. But it felt like the longing for a child just attacked me from then on. I was always so afraid that I wouldn't be allowed to get pregnant again for some other reason. Lots of crying spells and sometimes arguments. At one point, we just made the decision that we were going for it. So we're only on our first round now, but I'm finding it so difficult. The first two times, I got pregnant immediately, and I know that doesn't always happen, but I just can't stand the waiting anymore. I've already been waiting for 5 years, actually longer. I keep thinking that if I'm not pregnant, it's because of something I did wrong, like exercising, or that something is wrong with me and there will never be another one. Tomorrow is my NOD (No Period Day), and I've already been getting period cramps regularly this week. That could mean two things, so it's hard to see it as a sign. Otherwise, I don't notice anything else. I took a test on Wednesday, way too early, but since my sister's tests work then, I tried anyway. Negative, of course, but well, that doesn't say much either. I've decided to test again on Sunday, but I'm so afraid of seeing blood every time I go to the toilet... Sigh, how can days feel so long! What if I get another negative test on Sunday?

Best,
Margreet