Do you also spoil your baby rotten?

Mmm, if you manage to stop doing it, I’d stop giving in to their whining if I were you. Because kids aren’t stupid; they quickly realize that if they keep whining, they’ll get their way. Then they’ll whine even more instead of less, and in your case, they can also play your husband and you against each other. You definitely don’t want that, I’d say. Here, the boundaries are very clear: I’m truly unyielding (though I always give words to her anger and sadness about it, and comfort her too), and that results in little to no whining in the supermarket, store, etc.

Although I did give in this week at the antiquarian bookshop when she came up with a small, cute Dikkie Dik book – partly because I knew she considered it the library earlier, and partly because I’m so book-addicted myself that I can’t even say no to another new purchase ... and then it turned out the bookseller was giving it away for free (with my two paid impulse buys ....)

By the way, this usually works really well too: - if possible - let them choose between two acceptable options. This gives a child a sense of power, of being allowed to decide things for themselves, while still staying within the boundaries you've set.

For example, at our table, playing is only allowed when we're not eating. This morning, our little girl of 2½ absolutely wanted to draw instead of eating her muesli breakfast. I told her that wasn't allowed, took away the pen and paper, comforted her, and then let her choose: "Do you want to eat your raisins first, or do you want to eat your porridge first?" (She eats the raisins from a separate bowl). Then everything was fine again; she was completely happy eating the raisins first and then the porridge. With older children, you can also let them choose from more than two (acceptable) options.

Setting boundaries helps here too if you think about it like this: how would I feel if she did this 10 times? Because sometimes the first time isn't that bad, or even secretly quite funny. But by always thinking a bit further ahead (or at least trying to), I think we've already avoided a lot of unpleasant situations. Just by stifling it in the bud rather than having to go back later on an earlier decision to allow that behavior. Sometimes it does take some self-discipline; my husband and I regularly bite our nails to keep from bursting out laughing when she comes up with something silly again (but not something very handy or worth repeating) (luckily she doesn't understand our non-verbal little chats and winks yet, so we can easily signal to each other in her presence: no, we'd rather not want this in the long run).

Hahaha. I totally relate to all that. My husband and I do the same. Winks and all.

Nikki

That's so sweet of Yara (beautiful name!) That she still thinks about mom. And yes, of course they can have their moments too and don't have to be perfect. They're kids. We make mistakes too.

Nikki

Madelene, everything you describe in your post above is so relatable (except for taking into account my own unpleasant mood swings; my 2½-year-old daughter is really still a bit too young for that). That's what I meant by taking things seriously, regardless of the other person's age. I don't think punishment fits in here, and by the way, neither does reward. I also don't like it when, for example, an employer sets up some kind of reward system; it doesn't exactly motivate me, to put it mildly (and research has also shown that punishment and reward, both for children and adults, ultimately lead more to external than internal motivation). I want to be motivated by the work itself, by actually getting something done and being satisfied with that for myself. I see exactly the same thing with my daughter. You should see how incredibly proud she was when she peeled an egg while cooking tonight; she was glowing! Same thing when she pooped on the toilet. And there was no need for any "good job!" at all.