It's a bit hard, but our daughter prefers seeing her aunt over me.

22 replies · page 1 of 2

madeleneGuest · 2 months ago

hi ladies, i have 2 precious little girls and a lovely auntie. i've never had issues with how things are now, but every summer when we do something with our girls, they miss their auntie. they keep saying, "why isn't Jennifer here?" and "i want to go to Jennifer's mom's."

i find it really hard suddenly because they clearly prefer her over me, which makes me quite sad.

my husband doesn't see it as a problem and says it doesn't matter, we need her anyway, be happy they're so crazy about her.

i never had a bad feeling about it, except now. what do you think? should i just ignore it or should i do something about it?

my husband thinks it's nonsense.

best, madelene

Replies

Page 1 of 2

Iza 2 months ago #2

I can totally understand why you're feeling so bad about this. Is it not an option to do some things throughout the year just with your daughters? This way, it might become clearer to them that you're their mom and are always there for them, with the au pair supporting you in this.
madelene started this 2 months ago #3

Thank you, Iza, for your advice and empathy.
It's really nice to have someone who understands my situation.
I'll definitely discuss this with Jennifer and our Opaire; maybe they'll see me more as their mother if I spend more time with them than during the big holidays.
Thank you so much for your reply.
Greetings, Madelene
TripleX Guest 2 months ago #4

Au pair, not normal, stop working, sounds like you have plenty of money then you can raise your own kids, what a luxury problem.
madelene 2 months ago #5

Hi Triplex, you're welcome to think that—I respect everyone's opinion. It's just a bit sad that you judge my life so negatively.
I've always been taught in my upbringing to let people be themselves.
But thanks anyway for your opinion.
And Iza, once again, thank you for the help—it's nice to know there are still people who want to help someone.
Greetings, Madelene
Anonymous Guest 2 months ago #6

How old are your girls?

Maybe you should ask yourself why you find it so unpleasant. I can actually understand, but well, are you insecure about something or is there something else?

I'd say talk to your husband and your au pair.

Luxury problem or not, you feel this way, so it's your parenting.

If you're missing out every day, maybe you can cut back one day or plan a fixed day to do something with the girls.

I'd say good luck.
madelene 2 months ago #7

Hi anonymous, my girls are 5 and almost 4. And thank you for your advice and sympathy. I've made a deal with myself to spend more time with the girls, not just the older one, so they'll also see me more as their mom. I hope it helps. Thanks a lot for your reply, and it's nice to read that there are people who can understand my feelings about this. Greetings, Madelene
madelene 2 months ago #8

I should also mention that I need to get to know my daughters better, and then they might feel more connected to me.
What they have with her now.
She knows what they love, she knows their character better than I do.
Especially the youngest cries a lot for her when I pick her up from school instead of her.
But I'm going to work on the bond, otherwise it will get worse and worse.
Of course, I'm glad that they have such a close bond with her, but I just want them to miss her less when they spend their holidays with me, their mother, for example, like every year.
Greetings, Madelene.
Anna 2 months ago #9

Zooo.. I find it really shocking to read this.. I even get a bit sad thinking about how your daughters must feel.. How I would feel if you had been my mother, and thinking that my daughter would have to go through this (And me, because I want nothing more than to be there for my daughter and be her support and trusted person in her life..) Why did you think it was a good idea to have children? You can damage children so much with this.. Needing an au pair because she knows them 'in terms of character' better than you do.. And your daughter cries when you pick her up.. then you've really done something BAD wrong..
This is not something you can 'just fix' by spending a day with them.
I think it's very wise if you first go to therapy yourself, to discuss with a professional how you can mend what you've broken.
I sincerely wish you lots of strength and hope that you realize that this is not how a mother should be towards her children, and that you realize that your children are number 1. Good luck!
Anonymous Guest 2 months ago #10

Anne can take it a bit easier.
It’s hard for her too.
I can understand that you don’t agree with it, I wouldn’t do it this way either.
But there’s no point in being so harsh.
madelene 2 months ago #11

Hi Anne, I read your message with a heavy heart.
I love my little girls so much; they are everything to me. I would go through fire for them.
I’m afraid you have the wrong impression of me. You need to understand that she knows their character better because she’s been taking care of them since they were 4 months old.
That’s why they have such a strong bond with her. They’re just used to seeing her when picking them up and dropping them off since toddler group. So now it’s a bit of a adjustment for my girls to see me picking them up. But I’m their mother, of course, and I really need to spend more time with them so they start to see clearly that she’s nanny and I’m mom.
That takes time, especially since she’s been caring for them from day one.
And it’s actually been a gradual process for them to see her more and more as their mother, and she’s completely crazy about them too.
Now I have to say that Anonymous is right about how things came across as harsh. Your message did come across pretty harshly, and I appreciate your opinion, Anna, but I found it a bit too much and very painful. It really hurt my heart.
Thank you, Anonymous, for your sympathy
and understanding of my situation.
Greetings, Madelenne
Edith 2 months ago #12

Oh, that's who I was being anonymous about... You go on to say that your husband thinks it's nonsense. He's right that it's nice that your kids are well attached to the au pair. But in doing so, he's not taking your feelings seriously, and I think you're right that you, as a mother (and he as a father!) should also be important to your children. It seems like that's a bit of a sticking point right now.
Our little girl is also really crazy about the babysitter (we only have a babysitter at home during the times when we both work, 2 days a week), and she talks about her regularly, but her bond with me and my husband isn't disrupted or diminished by that. I think you both (your husband and you) could work towards that too by applying the tips already mentioned in this topic.
Anna Guest 2 months ago #13

Ugh.. sorry if I come across as harsh (honestly, I don't even think it's that bad.. yeah it sounds 'harsh' but the situation is pretty tough too, isn't it?) .. but I mean it.. the truth isn't always pretty or nice.. and it doesn't always have to be wrapped up in a pretty package. I work with people with attachment disorders myself, and you do NOT want that for your kids, believe me..

And I certainly don't want to upset you, but I want to speak up for your kids, because you are hurting them with this. It's fine that the au pair looks after the kids while you're at work.. but you chose to have children, and you're supposed to raise them yourself (at least, if you want to change the situation, and I assume you do, otherwise you wouldn't have started this topic).
So when you're at home, YOU and your husband take care of the kids, not the au pair... not even if you're tired.. we're all tired after a work week (because yes, I work too, but I consciously work less because I know how essential it is for a child to bond with their parents, and vice versa!).
So yeah, I might be coming across as 'harsh' but the situation is pretty tough too.. this situation calls for a firm approach if you want to get it right!
So I wish you all the best of luck, for you, but especially for your kids. Money isn't the most important thing, your children's happiness is, and kids don't become happy by always being with the au pair; they want their dad and mum, even if they might say no right now (because they're not used to it). In the end, they'll be happy if you change the situation.. really!
Edith 2 months ago #14

Anna, great and clear response, and I totally agree!
Madelene, it sounds like you feel like things are happening without you, like you don't have any (real) say in it. Please step out of that victim role! Your kids depend on you and your husband, and you're the only ones who can really make a difference in this situation. There are plenty of options, but you do need to choose change. The au pair can't do much more than take good care of your kids when they're in her care (and from what you say, she does that well). The next step is up to you/you both. Hopefully, your husband will also be willing to cooperate; that would make things a lot easier for everyone involved. But even if he isn't, you're not powerless and can choose change. Good luck!
Anna Guest 2 months ago #15

Thanks Edith, I was already starting to doubt myself.. I even had my husband read the whole piece, to hear his opinion and ask if he also thought I was being so extremely 'harsh'.. He actually agreed with me, it sounds harsh, but that's just how it is.. because it IS harsh.. What he immediately said (has been working in healthcare for 30 years) is that these situations are so extremely bad for children's attachment.. Maybe if you haven't had much experience with this, you might think 'oh well, the au pair is nice too.. that's fine right'.. But it doesn't work like that.. Children, who will grow up to be adults, get damaged this way and will have trouble with attachment, towards their partner, and perhaps also towards their own children, because they didn't have the right example.. Again, I mean well, otherwise I wouldn't put so much time into this story, right? I just hope Madelaine realizes that it's really essential for her children's mental health to make heeeel big changes, and by that I don't mean one day a month, but 2 days a week, at least half a day, spent with your children.
Edith 2 months ago #16

I don’t work in such a profession, but this topic really touches my heart too. I myself have an insecure attachment style because I was born into a family where my mother didn’t have a great childhood herself AND my parents had a busy business, three more small children, an elderly parent who lived with us and needed care, and on top of that, they were in the middle of a renovation at the time. Result: significant emotional neglect (although they always perfectly met my material needs, for which I am grateful to them). After a lot of therapy and by being lucky enough not to become a mother too young (which meant I already had quite a bit of life experience) and especially by consistently choosing my daughter’s well-being, I managed to give her a much better start.

Madelene, I’m sure you can do this too (If I can do it... then anyone can do it, I always say). Half the battle is already won by recognizing the problem in the first place, which is evident from the fact that you started this topic. Try to read Anna’s responses with an open heart; she says very sensible things that could work out really well for both you and your children.
Edith 2 months ago #17

Anyway, I don't think working full-time has to be a problem per se. In the Netherlands, it's quite common for women (and increasingly for men too) to work part-time, but in other European countries, whole swathes of people with kids work full-time. It's about what you do with your kids outside of working hours (mornings, evenings, weekends, holidays) and being truly present for them then (not just physically, but emotionally too). With a good start and end to the day (even if it's just 2x half an hour) and nice time together on the weekends, kids do just fine. Especially if you have a clear drop-off and pick-up routine, and if the kids have care from predictable, emotionally available others in between (and you already have that in the form of the au pair).
Anna Guest 2 months ago #18

Thank you, Edith It’s nice to read that (despite maybe the unintentionally harsh edge, which probably comes from wanting to make a clear point) I’m saying sensible things..
Working full-time is definitely not the problem, not at all, but, exactly as you say, it starts with taking care of your children yourself in the rest of the time..
It’s nice to read that you’ve handled it so well yourself, but it’s also a very clear example of what attachment with children does.
I’m securely attached myself, etc.. but I’m very consciously working on it, I have a 13-month-old daughter, and another baby on the way. Things like cuddling a lot, carrying her with me, always being there for her.. are the most important things.. As soon as I was pregnant, my partner and I completely agreed that priority number one is a secure attachment, which prevents a lot of trouble in the future (things I won’t mention because I don’t want to hurt or scare Madelaine) But I think if you delve into attachment issues, you’ll look at things very differently.. and hopefully your husband too..
madelene 2 months ago #19

Hi ladies, I've talked to Jenever, the grandmother, and with my husband. Now we've agreed that I and he will also spend more days with our little princesses. And I'm realizing through this how much time I've actually missed with the kids. I never really stopped to think about it before; it just was. Until my girls started getting too attached to her. It's also what someone here wrote, indeed, when we're at home we should also do things with them. We never used to do that before, then Jenever would take over. But anyway, I appreciate your help and advice, thanks. Greetings, Madelene
Josje 2 months ago #20

Great job, Madelene! It's awesome that you've had the conversation and that both you and your partner are spending more time with your kids. I hope it brings happiness to all of you.

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