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dad taking care of baby

14 replies

*m
Hi everyone,

We have an 8-month-old baby, and I'm really starting to get fed up with my partner doing absolutely nothing! He's only bathed him once in all that time, never put him to bed... the bottle or diaper is never his responsibility, and when he does look at me, he gives me this sideways look like, "Do I really have to?" In the evenings, I'll sometimes say, "Do you want to take him for a bit?" and he'll reply, "Nah, no way, no mood." Then I really think #;"$##... pff. I've told him about this several times already, but nothing changes. I don't really know what to do with it.

For example, when other people are around, he does step up and plays nicely with the little one, and there are certainly nice moments too, but they're very few and far between...

Are there more women whose partners do almost nothing?
And how do you deal with that?

Love,

Replies

  1. Monkey #2

    Oh no.
    That’s not very nice! That way you can’t even sit quietly for 5 minutes.
    It seems like your husband has absolutely no interest in your baby (that’s how it comes across to me).
    Maybe talk about it?

    Here at our place, there are definitely days when he doesn’t feel like changing dirty diapers, feeding, or giving a bath. But there are also days (or nights) when I’m so tired, and he willingly gets up to soothe the little one when they’re teething or to give back their dummy.

    Hopefully, things will improve soon!

  2. * #3

    @*m,

    As MsMicevski says, it's just as good to talk it over with each other.
    I know that men generally see it as the mother's task,
    and that it really needs to be asked for and made clear,
    otherwise they don't get it.
    Unfortunately, a man is different from a woman, and I do recognize it when there are visitors
    or when you visit someone, it's like "oh look, isn't that nice, he's here..."
    But anyway, I've talked about this here too and made it clear that I'd like
    him to be involved with his child as well.

    It's his child too, not just mine....
    So I've set boundaries on what I expect, and therefore also expect his cooperation...

    Good luck and let me know how you're doing...

    Love Ju or welmavanmi

  3. Irma Guest #4

    That's indeed not so nice, you choose together for a baby? Talk about it! When I still had my leave, I did the nights and early morning, and my partner helped in the evening and also cuddled with my son. I started working again last week, I was really against it because I was with my son 24/7, but my son sometimes wakes up a bit early and my husband also gets up.

  4. irma Guest #5

    well yeah, it's gotta be, but it's also nice. I'm not the type to stay home every day, and social contact is important too.
    but leaving them behind each time feels so bad. still, it's nice to come home. what a beautiful thing motherhood is!

  5. hartje #6

    And how was it resolved? Did you talk to the baby's dad about it?

  6. Iza #7

    Here’s a dad who didn’t turn his hand away from anything, so that was really nice. I’d definitely express your displeasure and really sit down at the table to talk about this until there’s a solution because you can’t keep this up, of course. It’s not good for your relationship either when he lets it all out on you every time. Good luck!

  7. Anonymous #8

    At home, I do most of the stuff with the little girl, just out of habit, really.
    I never really thought about it, I'm also at home with her more often.
    Dad does shower with our daughter regularly, and when she's in the bath, I do that. I usually give her her bottle and change her diapers, but if it happens to come up, dad does those things too, luckily.
    Dad does cuddle her every evening before she goes to bed.

  8. felicia Guest #9

    My husband does way more than I do. He gives my daughter her bath, he makes dinner for us, he watches her when I'm working, and he dresses her on the days I work (so I basically don't have time for that). I dress my kids on weekends, so he does it during the week and I do it on the weekend. He does laundry 5 days a week and I do it 2 days, so it's split between us, but he still does most of the childcare. Oh, and he also does the housework during the week when I'm working, including the kids' rooms, and I do that on the weekend.

  9. felicia Guest #10

    Long live equality, that's definitely the case with us, thankfully.

  10. felicia Guest #11

    I just wanted to add that they are now 3 and almost 5, but when they were babies, he would go out during the week at night. He would wake up as soon as they cried. I didn't have to say anything; I just kept sleeping. They cried, and whoosh, he was there. He also always calmed her down faster. She would calm down quickly around him. Good for me. I would go out on the weekends, so it was nicely divided. He also changed their diapers, and we took turns. Fairly divided, it seems to me. It would be terrible if you had to do everything alone, as bad as having everything fall on your shoulders. I also say honestly that if I didn't have such a man who did so much, I wouldn't have gone for a second time. Much love, Felicia

  11. sandera Guest #12

    how lovely how you've divided everything so nicely. my husband isn't too lazy to help but I always have to tell him. it seems like many men don't do it out of their own initiative. as a woman, you have to ask for it. it's not in their nature to help on their own. you really have to guide them, with some exceptions. hearing how your husband is, Felicia, I might just borrow him for a bit so my husband can learn a thing or two. don't let him know though, ha ha.

  12. tamara Guest #13

    Hi M, that's really tough. You know what can help? Let me explain. As a woman, you often have the tendency to get angry and make accusations, like "Why are you doing nothing?" or "I always have to do everything alone, you don't care at all, you have no understanding of me, etc." I've made that mistake myself a lot in the past, but from experience, I can tell you: don't say too much, and definitely don't list what they're not doing. Men basically only hear a pointing finger saying "You can't do anything right, everything you do is bad," and they don't want to hear what you actually want from them. They tune out if you talk too much. To get what you want from them, you need a different approach with men.

  13. tamara Guest #14

    so instead of doing it like our women's way, let him see your emotions. Dare to do that because it's the weapon we women have, and it works really well on men. They literally melt; they're sensitive to it. Show your sadness without screaming or being angry. No, just show your sadness and keep it short, otherwise they lose concentration, which then leads to frustration for you. We women all mean this: "Darling, I need you. I feel sad and in pain. I need your help so badly. Without you, I can't make it." Let him feel that he's indispensable.

  14. tamara Guest #15

    and he will be like clay in your hands and help you, so say it hurts so much inside that you're standing alone. You can lighten the load—who can do that better than you, my husband? And then gently, step by step, softly explain that you can't manage without his help, and ask him kindly to help you. You'll notice that he'll come toward you. Tell your man what you'd find nice if he helped you, but always phrase it from an "I" perspective: "I would feel so good if..." Don't say "Why don't you do this or that?" or "You should..." A man tunes out before hearing the rest if you use that kind of phrasing. And don't forget: as a woman, dare to be vulnerable. Only then do you speak to his masculinity, and he feels proud and happy to help you. Good luck and lots of love, Tamara.

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