Finally taking the leap.

Thanks, Charlotje. My husband and I have actually been talking about having kids for years. But up until now, we haven't really taken any targeted steps towards it. I stopped the pill over a year ago because I wanted to 'un-pill' properly, but also to get to know my body better (I found that quite tough at first since I didn't have a great connection with my body, but I've worked hard on that for a whole year now, with good results ).

We've only really started trying this year. I felt like I needed to throw out some 'old baggage' first (fears, insecurities, and that kind of 'nonsense'. But that's been done. I feel liberated now, and in February we took our first real shot (no success, but it would've been too crazy if it had worked the first time, of course).

Now we're on our 3rd round. I find it all very exciting, but also really fun! For me, a completely new world is opening up, and I find it all very interesting!

By the way, I read on your profile that you're expecting your 'secret' on December 4th! That's really funny, that's my birthday hihi. I wish you lots of success with your pregnancy! Can't wait to see what it is!

Haha, well, I don’t know if you can really call it a separate thing, Charlotje. It’s actually something that comes with autism: having a somewhat weaker connection with your body. This happens because, on the one hand, you’re sensorily hypersensitive and therefore tend to shut out stimuli, which on the other hand makes you want to disconnect from your body (spend more time in your head), so you sometimes barely feel anything (high pain threshold, clumsy motor skills, not knowing whether you’re hungry or tired, all that sort of thing).

With every movement, I often have to think about how to do it. It doesn’t just happen naturally or instinctively. It’s not nice to be in my body because my ‘antennas’ are tuned way too strongly. I experience life very intensely. Everything I see, hear, smell, taste, and feel comes into me much more powerfully, and that overwhelms me because I sometimes struggle to filter it all.

But a lot has changed. I’m getting older (and hopefully wiser, hehe) and more mature. My sensory processing has improved a lot compared to when I was a kid! I can now regulate it better. I’ve learned that with my way of being, certain things just come with the territory (acceptance). Besides that, it’s also about experiences. Not everything is due to autism! There are so many people who have little connection with their bodies and can relate to this description. It’s also about your self-worth, your ego, your will, and your sense of autonomy and ‘power’. How were you shaped? I had to learn to love my body as it is, as it manifests in the world, and as it responds to its environment. I had to learn that I’m good enough just as I am, and that I have the right to exist. Alternative therapies helped me a lot, as did books on energetic awareness (especially one book: *Chakra Psychology* by Anodea Judith—it really saved my life!). I basically had to ‘reset’ myself to completely overhaul my ‘programs’ and ‘reprogram’ myself.

I’ve now learned why it’s so important to ground yourself well. To be well in your body and have good body awareness. Your body is more than just a ‘machine’ that reacts blindly to things. Your body is an intelligence in itself! And I’ve now learned to understand it better. To recognize and accept it more.

Grounding used to be very unpleasant for me. It was just too intense. But in my case, that also stemmed from past traumas (both physical and emotional). For years, I’ve been working on addressing those traumas and removing blockages. And I can now proudly say that I’ve succeeded! A whole new world is opening up for me. The world of the earthly, the physical, the bodily. Never have I been so aware of it as I am now, and never have I enjoyed it so much. It’s like I’m only now discovering how to walk!

Phew! Just in time, right?! This was actually one of my goals before I wanted to start having kids. I just wanted to become a better person, a sort of Esther 2.0, so that I (hopefully) could also be a good mom! Now I just need to learn that not everything has to be perfect, hehe. First, though, I still have to wait and see if life grants me kids at all! I hope so, I hope so, I hope so! Fingers crossed!

April 29th is so close! It’s exciting, such a first appointment! It seems incredibly special to me, such an ultrasound! That all this is possible nowadays with these techniques. Truly amazing!
Good luck with the midwife! I hope you have a nice one!