Babbles
What is wisdom..
blacksunday
Hi everyone,
I'm new here. I haven't officially introduced myself yet, so I'll do that as soon as possible.
I'm facing a bit of a dilemma, and after reading around here, I saw that there are already a few ladies in a similar situation, but I'd still like to share mine a bit more and hear your opinions.
I'm 27 now and have always said I wanted to be a young mom. Unfortunately, you don't always have control over your own life, so I didn't have the opportunity (or the right partner) to start a family earlier. Now, I've had a partner for a year whom I'm very happy and content with, and we're sure we want to continue together and also want a baby. The circumstances are as follows:
He already has a 4-year-old son from his ex who spends every weekend with us, and he's currently on welfare. I have a 0-hour contract, but I work an average of 4 days a week, and in the summer, it'll be 6 days a week. We don't live together yet, but we plan to move in together after the summer, in his house, because it's bigger, cheaper, and has other advantages like that. He's not in such a big hurry for a baby; he already has one, and says we don't have the money for it. I really want it and can counter most of his arguments. One moment he agrees with me, the next he's being difficult. (to put it mildly) We can basically get almost all the baby stuff from family who just 'got out of diapers' and our parents who really want a grandchild anyway.
He'd rather wait until he has another paid job and then see how things go. But I've been on the pill nonstop for 12 years, and I'd actually like to stop now, because I really want to have my own baby before I turn 30. And who says that paid job will be available soon?
If I stop after this strip, which I'm actually planning to do, and get pregnant as early as within 3 months, that would mean we'd have a baby around April 2014. I'm not assuming that, though, because my mom took 2 years and 1 half-year to get pregnant, and I understood that this is hereditary? Plus, I've been on the pill for so long that I expect it'll take a while for all those hormones to leave my body and for it to function normally again. But I also know there's a small chance it could happen right away.
I hope my story isn't too long, but I'm really looking forward to your responses.
I'm new here. I haven't officially introduced myself yet, so I'll do that as soon as possible.
I'm facing a bit of a dilemma, and after reading around here, I saw that there are already a few ladies in a similar situation, but I'd still like to share mine a bit more and hear your opinions.
I'm 27 now and have always said I wanted to be a young mom. Unfortunately, you don't always have control over your own life, so I didn't have the opportunity (or the right partner) to start a family earlier. Now, I've had a partner for a year whom I'm very happy and content with, and we're sure we want to continue together and also want a baby. The circumstances are as follows:
He already has a 4-year-old son from his ex who spends every weekend with us, and he's currently on welfare. I have a 0-hour contract, but I work an average of 4 days a week, and in the summer, it'll be 6 days a week. We don't live together yet, but we plan to move in together after the summer, in his house, because it's bigger, cheaper, and has other advantages like that. He's not in such a big hurry for a baby; he already has one, and says we don't have the money for it. I really want it and can counter most of his arguments. One moment he agrees with me, the next he's being difficult. (to put it mildly) We can basically get almost all the baby stuff from family who just 'got out of diapers' and our parents who really want a grandchild anyway.
He'd rather wait until he has another paid job and then see how things go. But I've been on the pill nonstop for 12 years, and I'd actually like to stop now, because I really want to have my own baby before I turn 30. And who says that paid job will be available soon?
If I stop after this strip, which I'm actually planning to do, and get pregnant as early as within 3 months, that would mean we'd have a baby around April 2014. I'm not assuming that, though, because my mom took 2 years and 1 half-year to get pregnant, and I understood that this is hereditary? Plus, I've been on the pill for so long that I expect it'll take a while for all those hormones to leave my body and for it to function normally again. But I also know there's a small chance it could happen right away.
I hope my story isn't too long, but I'm really looking forward to your responses.
Replies
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blacksunday started this #2
forgot to mention;
if my boyfriend doesn't have another job by the time we start living together, and is therefore on benefits, we'll have to rely on my salary. That will be topped up to 1200 euros if I work few hours. -
Mama Guest #3
Hi Blacksunday,
I’m afraid you won’t make it with 1200 euros, your boyfriend is right about that.
But I think your boyfriend should adjust a bit. If you really want a baby and he eventually does too, he can just move his deadline a bit forward and you maybe a bit backward. Besides, that’s a nice stick to beat someone with to find a job :-)
P.S., fertility is indeed terrible, but that certainly doesn’t mean you’re as fertile as your mother. There are many more factors involved and who knows, you might be pregnant within a month.
Good luck -
blacksunday started this #4
Thanks for your reply!
That 1200 euro is the minimum. If I earn more, I'll have more and can save more. Child benefit would come on top of that, and I think also child-related budget?
I want it so badly and don't want to wait until after I'm 30 or wait until he has another job, because there's barely any work to be found here at the moment (Drenthe) and who says that'll work out in the short term..
As for stuff for the nursery, clothes, stroller etc., that's all fine, so we don't need to let that hold us back.. It's really just about the monthly costs now.. -
Iza #5
I think all the practical stuff isn't a problem, but... it looks like your boyfriend isn't quite ready for it yet and is using these matters as an excuse to not start a family just yet. Maybe you could talk to him about this and see how he sees your future together with a child. I understand that you really want a little one, but it shouldn't become a point of contention between you two. I'd try to discuss it very honestly with him and really see how he feels about it; he shouldn't feel pushed into starting a family. Good luck
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Samantha Guest #6
I agree with Iza! -
blacksunday started this #7
I naturally also really want us both to be 100% behind this, that's the main thing.
I think it also plays a role with my boyfriend that his ex secretly got pregnant and he had no say in it then, because there was never any discussion. She didn't work and he had to quit his job as a musician because he was home too much and couldn't help with the little one, and ended up on welfare. They had to borrow a lot of money from family and received items and stuff, and he doesn't want that to happen again. I understand him, but I think we can manage it well now. I'm working a lot currently, so we could potentially save some money.
I think he's afraid it'll go the same way as with his first.. When I talk to him about it, he keeps bringing up the same arguments, which I've already refuted long ago.
As I said; he's in no rush, after all he already has a son.. But my ovaries have been rattling for quite a while, and I've discussed it with him sooooo many times already. The only thing he says is; "I want it too, but then I need a permanent job first." But that's not just going to fall into my lap, and how long is it going to take until that happens.. I really don't want to stop the pill after I'm 30 and just hope I get pregnant/can get pregnant. -
blacksunday started this #8
Well, it's at least 1200 euros. If I work more than those 4 days, I'll earn more, of course. I've already calculated all my fixed costs, and we'll have about 400 euros left over, which still needs to cover groceries and gas, but if things go well, child benefit and tax credits will also come in. And if I stop the pill now, it'll take at least 10 months before there's a baby. There's a good chance my boyfriend will have a job within those 10 months. Besides, who guarantees me that things will be better in, say, a year? I don't want to wait for years..
I've been dealing with this for so long.. -
Poesh #9
Keep track of your grocery and gas expenses and subtract that from the 400... Honestly, if I were you, I'd wait a bit longer. When the baby gets sick, costs can also add up quickly. And in the first few years, they get sick quite often. I'm not talking about serious illnesses, but just common colds and childhood diseases... -
blacksunday started this #10
Yeah, I get that. But I read everywhere that with €200 a month you can easily manage in the beginning when it comes to diapers, etc. Of course, there are exceptions, and if your baby gets sick, you want to have some savings... but I'm so afraid that if we wait until my partner has a job, it will take a very long time for my body to ovulate and I can finally get pregnant.
And again, who guarantees me that in 5 years it will be financially so well that it will be easy?
I know I can expect help from all sides in various forms, and of course I'd prefer to do everything myself, but if that means it will only be possible in a few years or maybe never, then I can really cry... I've already given up so many dreams for my future, I don't want this one to just remain a dream. -
Poesh #11
Nobody can guarantee it'll be easy within 5 years. Maybe a bit easier...
You could (with your boyfriend's agreement) stop the pill now and use condoms to avoid getting pregnant, so your body will already be off hormones. Then you can start trying again within 6 months or a year. That way you'll have a clear picture of your cycles, and it might happen much faster to get pregnant. I just mean, you can try to look at it positively. And nobody says you should give up on your dream, nor would anyone ever say that, not here anyway.
With 200 hours you'll indeed make it (I think, based on what I looked up myself). Unless you have to pay for childcare. But I wouldn't underestimate health-related costs either. And right now, there are lots of babies aged 3-4 months who are already allowed to go outside because of respiratory problems (air pollution issues). Some get over it after age 2, others don't.
I just think it's better to wait another year, have your boyfriend 100% on board, have lived together for a while, and have things financially a bit easier than jumping in now with the risk of having to cut back on many things and falling into debt. If you indeed work more hours and thus earn more during those 6 months, you could save up an extra amount of euros. -
blacksunday started this #12
That was also my plan, to wait for my cycle first. I’m not expecting to get pregnant within half a year anyway, given my long-term pill use and my mom’s history, but yeah, you never know.
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