Baby wish
22 and want a child
AnonymousGuest ·
Hey everyone,
I'm 22 and have a huge desire for children.. actually since I was 20 (but less intense then).
I have a boyfriend who is also 22 and still lives at home and works (will move out soon).
I've been living on my own since I was 16 and now live on a benefit because I finished my studies this summer.
I'm currently in a (near) burnout and having tests done for my autism. All not exactly ideal situations... What I know all too well.
My mother had my sister when she was just 21, so I've seen firsthand how life goes when you have kids early with an unstable partner and haven't resolved your own issues first. I also get the standard advice "get to know yourself first and do things now while you're still free." Nothing makes me more angry or irritated than that feeling... How many young women I've seen who live a beautiful life with their children. Families who do everything with their kids. From traveling to camping with a baby.
My desire for children is now so big that I almost start crying every time I see a child. I have so much love to give my child. I'm super philosophical, anthroposophical, and fully believe in "raising your child neutrally, always loving and supporting them, being able to talk about emotions and everything, and not raising them in a materialistic way." For me, as an inner person, I'm much more mature than people think/my peers.
Long story short.
I don't have a job and therefore "no money"/not enough money. My boyfriend (4-year relationship) is moving out soon. He doesn't want a child yet. How do I deal with this? Do I have to feel that pain daily and accept that we have to wait 2-3 years? It makes me so sad... And I don't know where to put it or what I should feel..
I'm 100% sure that my family (both parents and grandparents) would help and, so to speak, take us in with the child if it came to that. I don't doubt that. And that makes it even harder.... Because I truly believe that a child only needs love and light (first two years) and that that is completely separate from the house, money, etc.
Does anyone understand these emotions and problems? Or can give advice? Everything is welcome..
I'm 22 and have a huge desire for children.. actually since I was 20 (but less intense then).
I have a boyfriend who is also 22 and still lives at home and works (will move out soon).
I've been living on my own since I was 16 and now live on a benefit because I finished my studies this summer.
I'm currently in a (near) burnout and having tests done for my autism. All not exactly ideal situations... What I know all too well.
My mother had my sister when she was just 21, so I've seen firsthand how life goes when you have kids early with an unstable partner and haven't resolved your own issues first. I also get the standard advice "get to know yourself first and do things now while you're still free." Nothing makes me more angry or irritated than that feeling... How many young women I've seen who live a beautiful life with their children. Families who do everything with their kids. From traveling to camping with a baby.
My desire for children is now so big that I almost start crying every time I see a child. I have so much love to give my child. I'm super philosophical, anthroposophical, and fully believe in "raising your child neutrally, always loving and supporting them, being able to talk about emotions and everything, and not raising them in a materialistic way." For me, as an inner person, I'm much more mature than people think/my peers.
Long story short.
I don't have a job and therefore "no money"/not enough money. My boyfriend (4-year relationship) is moving out soon. He doesn't want a child yet. How do I deal with this? Do I have to feel that pain daily and accept that we have to wait 2-3 years? It makes me so sad... And I don't know where to put it or what I should feel..
I'm 100% sure that my family (both parents and grandparents) would help and, so to speak, take us in with the child if it came to that. I don't doubt that. And that makes it even harder.... Because I truly believe that a child only needs love and light (first two years) and that that is completely separate from the house, money, etc.
Does anyone understand these emotions and problems? Or can give advice? Everything is welcome..
Replies
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Nijntje #2
I can only relate to the part about your own problems. I’ve had / have a lot of problems too, but is that a reason to put off your desire for a child? We all deserve a child too. You’re on the right track by looking into your issues, and from what you’ve written, you have plenty of love to give. 22 is indeed young, but there are plenty of mothers that age who do just as well
What does your partner say about all this? Shame he’s not quite ready yet? Can’t you persuade him? Isn’t this affecting your relationship? -
Anonymous Guest #3
My boyfriend is nowhere near as ready in life as I am. Emotionally too. I sometimes feel like I'm 40 with everything I "know" and can reflect on. He was raised without emotions or hugs. He wants to have a solid foundation first—a job, a house, living together, etc. He eats exactly how I think about this and how I feel about it. He finds that really unpleasant too. And I completely respect his opinion that he's not ready yet. Our relationship is really as solid and strong as it can be. I won't leave for that reason either.
Besides, I was also raised to believe that you shouldn't have a child as a "fix" for relationship problems. Like a couple that just has a kid when their relationship is on the rocks, hoping the child will fix things. For me, creating a child is only okay if you've fully worked through your own emotional issues and don't pass on any family traumas... That's how I was raised. Especially because I experienced it myself. That's why I'm so sure about wanting a child, because I feel I've done the necessary work. Of course, we always keep learning, but mainly in terms of dealing with traumas... I just don't know how to place the feeling that having a child now isn't the smartest idea... Or.. well.. just waiting. -
Ummie Guest #4
Hi,
Your age doesn't say much... I'm 22 myself and have two kids, a daughter of 3 and a son of 9 months. My husband is a bit older than me and we definitely have a different situation than you do. We own our own house, are married, and I have two businesses of my own. Money isn't everything, but I do think a strong foundation is necessary... Just calculate what diapers and formula cost, because no one can guarantee that breastfeeding will work out. Kids are tough, and I read that you're probably already experiencing burnout. With kids, stress comes into play, broken nights, maybe you'll even get a sick child who cries 24/7. Money isn't everything, but I'd never start having kids without a solid foundation. -
Most15 #5
Here’s some well-meaning advice from a mom of three:
Please wait until you’re at least cohabiting and have an income. You describe that a baby mainly needs love, yes! But a baby does cost money! If breastfeeding doesn’t work, you’ll need formula, and that’s not cheap. But what about sleep gear? Clothes? When you’re pregnant, you often want to go shopping for your little one, and that requires money.
You mention that you often feel like 40 or so, but you’re not. You’re 22, you don’t have a job/income, and you’re not cohabiting. Really not a suitable foundation for having a child.
Without wanting to upset other girls, because some girls have no choice. But you do.
You have to cry when you see a baby? But you could also have a child in, say, two years? No big deal, right? You’re making it into a huge problem by crying when you see a baby, but you could also try to turn those feelings around into the thought: “Wow, this might be waiting for me in a few years!”
Having a child, especially the upbringing, is a whole job, unfortunately not easy if you consider what you’ve written above!
So my advice: wait, build a stable foundation, save a bit of money, because that last part makes having a child much easier, and I speak from experience! -
Kiki Guest #6
Take care of yourself first, then a baby. I don't get why everyone is so lenient. A child isn't an accessory or a solution to all sorts of other problems. Having a baby is really tough and costs a fortune, and besides, it seems to me that you should first have a stable relationship with someone who also wants to become a father. Which isn't the case right now. Focus on yourself, give love to yourself, invest in yourself, and then the baby will come. Emotional stability is also important for such a little one. But well, that's just my opinion. -
Nijntje #7
That's why I also asked how strong your relationship is, because your boyfriend isn't ready for it yet, so there's really nothing else you can do but wait
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Kiki Guest #8
I'm glad you're being realistic about things. No matter what others say, you can also focus on what you can do right now to lay a good foundation for the future. It's normal to feel sad sometimes when you really want something and can't have it (yet). Try putting a bit more of your energy into the future and what you do have control over. That can feel good too. -
Anonymous Guest #9
I know it costs money. Everything costs money. I already said that I have a family that can help me cover those basics. Everyone has a different idea of what "the right basics" and "the right upbringing" are. I also mentioned that I feel these emotions strongly because it honestly feels like I (like in a past life, for example) could never have a child, and now it feels like everyone is saying "you're not allowed to." That's why it feels so intense and strong for me. Because I really, truly want it so much...
That's also why I came here and asked, how do I deal with those emotions? Because I know I shouldn't have a child right now and should wait until my partner is ready and we can do it together. And I respect that. But, how do you cope with the pain/emotions that it still can't happen (yet)? Because even if you flip it around and think "what an honor, how beautiful that will be," it still hurts... -
Nijntje #10
Enjoy your strong relationship and the lovely things you can do together with your partner. You're still young, so your time will come! -
Anonymous Guest #11
True.. and these are strange times, so it's probably not the best idea to do something like that right now, I think.. ??
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