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My daughter sometimes doesn't like me.
SaarGuest ·
My daughter is now 2 years and 3 months old. Ever since she was a baby, she’s sometimes made it very clear that she’d rather be with my mom than with me. I always blame myself for this.
When she was a baby, I couldn’t soothe her anymore because she was drinking too much, so I had to stop breastfeeding at certain times. At those moments, she was inconsolable with me. I often spent hours crying helplessly because I just couldn’t comfort my own child. My mom, on the other hand, could.
When she was a bit older and I had to go back to work, she alternated between the daycare provider and my mom. With the daycare provider, there was no problem—my daughter always loved seeing me come. With my mom, though... every time I went to pick her up, she pushed me away. She even cried tears of despair because she had to go home with me. That hurt me so much. I often thought, it’s just a phase, it’ll pass. The crying when we leave has stopped now, but I have to handle it well and promise her something fun when we’re home. But today, she pushed me away again. It’s even happened a few times that she wasn’t feeling well and only wanted my mom to come near her, to cuddle and comfort her. In those moments, you feel so powerless as a mother.
I often think I’m not doing enough for her, I don’t play with her enough, I don’t spend enough time with her. But I have to prepare meals, vacuum... My mom lets her do almost everything, while with me, she has clear rules, and I try my best to stick to them. I often think, that’s the result. A daughter who doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore... I think she’s only cried once or twice for me when she was with my mom; otherwise, it was always "Moeke" (Grandma) she wanted. Except when my mom isn’t around, then she always wants me and, for example, not Papa. I don’t know what to do anymore. Is this normal? I’m currently pregnant with our second child, and I often think that if she does the same, then I’m really a bad mother, and it’s really my fault.
When she was a baby, I couldn’t soothe her anymore because she was drinking too much, so I had to stop breastfeeding at certain times. At those moments, she was inconsolable with me. I often spent hours crying helplessly because I just couldn’t comfort my own child. My mom, on the other hand, could.
When she was a bit older and I had to go back to work, she alternated between the daycare provider and my mom. With the daycare provider, there was no problem—my daughter always loved seeing me come. With my mom, though... every time I went to pick her up, she pushed me away. She even cried tears of despair because she had to go home with me. That hurt me so much. I often thought, it’s just a phase, it’ll pass. The crying when we leave has stopped now, but I have to handle it well and promise her something fun when we’re home. But today, she pushed me away again. It’s even happened a few times that she wasn’t feeling well and only wanted my mom to come near her, to cuddle and comfort her. In those moments, you feel so powerless as a mother.
I often think I’m not doing enough for her, I don’t play with her enough, I don’t spend enough time with her. But I have to prepare meals, vacuum... My mom lets her do almost everything, while with me, she has clear rules, and I try my best to stick to them. I often think, that’s the result. A daughter who doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore... I think she’s only cried once or twice for me when she was with my mom; otherwise, it was always "Moeke" (Grandma) she wanted. Except when my mom isn’t around, then she always wants me and, for example, not Papa. I don’t know what to do anymore. Is this normal? I’m currently pregnant with our second child, and I often think that if she does the same, then I’m really a bad mother, and it’s really my fault.
Replies
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Anonymous Guest #2
What a heavy story. I don't think you're doing it wrong. I would do something about it though. You can go through the child health clinic to see an educational specialist to discuss it and get some tips... good luck!! -
Cin #3
I have nothing to add to Olivia Anna's story... totally agree! :-)
X Cin mom v almost 3 -
Belskat Guest #4
I understand your doubt and frustration. But know that it has nothing to do with the fact that your daughter doesn't love you. Children feel your insecurity very well and use it, which can make you even more insecure. I completely agree with Olivia's advice that at such a moment, your mother shouldn't fill that insecurity and take over your role of comforting. Talk about it with her and see what you can do together to strengthen your position.
Besides, it's true that your mother is grandma and therefore more relaxed about setting boundaries. But she consciously chose to also take care of childcare partially. Then she should also take on her role and task as a caregiver. And that includes boundaries. Boundaries that you should determine. Especially on the important points. -
Mama-ok Guest #5
Dear Saar, I recognize your story in the story of my mother and sister-in-law. My 8-month-old nephew loves my mom, his grandma, so much that he sometimes refuses to go home with his mom. I think you don't need to worry because this will indeed no longer be a problem once your mother clearly sets boundaries. I am now 17 weeks pregnant and this is my mother-in-law's first grandchild; she is already thinking about how the baby will stay with her and she would like to keep him for 6 months or longer. Well, I made it clear that I'm not planning that. A few hours of babysitting is different from leaving your child somewhere for so long; this applies not only to parents but also to my husband and my own parents.
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