Fourth baby?

Hi Lili!
We have 2 kids and really wanted a 3rd child. Now pregnant with twins, so number 4 is on its way!
At first it was a bit of a shock, but now we're totally used to the idea of being 6 soon

Hope your friend will have a 4th child soon!

Hi Lili,

My message isn't meant badly, but I think you should just stop at three kids.

Right now, you're probably putting pressure on your husband (even if unconsciously), and he might end up agreeing to something he'd rather not. And with a child, you both need to be 100% committed.

If either partner is seriously hesitant, I wouldn't go ahead. After all, you already have three beautiful children, and you should be very grateful for that.

Why do I think this way? Because I know a couple where the woman wanted a third child but the man didn't at first. Eventually, they went for it anyway. But the dad clearly has a weaker bond with the youngest. And when the couple argues (maybe because of the chaos in the family or mischief from the youngest), he sometimes says to his wife: "You deal with it, because YOU wanted a third."

Sooner or later, this child will hear such remarks from her dad, and I find that really sad :-(

But please don't take this as an attack; I'm just sharing my opinion. I hope you two figure it out as a couple and make the right decision that you both feel good about!

Unfortunately, this was relatable for me too, but with the third one. My husband didn't want a third child, but after much persuasion, he finally gave in. When Jasmijn, my third daughter, was 9 months old, I got pregnant with the fourth.

Deep down, I always knew I really wanted a fourth child; I always pictured myself with four kids.

I also knew that my husband definitely wouldn't want that—he hardly wanted the third one anyway.

But I thought, if it happens, it happens, and it just had to be this way. I thought I'd seriously start trying for a fourth when Jasmijn was 2 and try to persuade him.

Then something unexpected happened: I got pregnant.

When she was 9 months old, filled with nerves, fear, but also a very happy feeling, I told my husband I was pregnant. My parents were quite shocked at first, haha. But soon my mom said it had to be this way; this baby really wanted to come to you guys

My husband was incredibly angry and shocked. He said there was no room for this fourth child, that Jasmijn was still too small, and that it would cause a lot of stress.

He suggested I have an abortion. I was against it and believe everything happens for a reason. I told my husband that this child in my womb is welcome, even if things get very busy.

And if not, you can leave, I said. This child stays.

Eventually, after a long time, my husband came around and accepted it. My son is now 2 and will turn 3 in August, and he's super happy with our boy.

We have three daughters, and the fourth turned out to be a boy—super special for us. We were over the moon when we heard during the 20-week scan that it was a boy.

I just want to say, with my story, sometimes things seem impossible, but everything works out in the end. I don't really have a tip for you.

But just follow your gut feeling, and it'll work out fine.

Absolutely don't push or force it.

Let it rest for a while and talk about it again later. If he still doesn't want to, you should accept it, as hard as that may be.

We also have 4 children. If my husband didn't want any more after 2 or 3 kids, or vice versa, that would have been that. After the 4th, it was fortunately clear to both of us that our family was complete.

It seems very difficult to have a desire for a child that doesn't come true. Hopefully, you find your way here in

Well, when it comes to wanting kids, there's no middle ground, and I firmly believe both partners need to be 100% on board. And yes, things will surely work out once the baby arrives, and yes, the other person will surely grow to love it too, etc. But it's more about mutual respect for each other: respect each other's wishes regarding how you want your life and family to be structured. Of course, you can talk it through and ask about each other's concerns or fears, but always with respect for the final decision.

Men often need a little time to get used to the idea. With women, it’s often already there, but with men, it works differently. Sometimes you just have to let it happen, and then they experience for themselves that they actually really enjoy it, and the feelings come naturally.

Madelene, it's really awful that you forced your husband into this. He didn't want to, and that's understandable. He's mainly taking care of your kids because you work so much.
For the fourth one, he was definitely reluctant. You weren't using contraception, and neither was he. But still, forcing him like that is really not okay.

Just because it worked out well for you doesn't say anything about the rest.

I gave birth to my third in November, and we're going for a fourth.

That's just your opinion anonymously. You're allowed to find it terrible. Everyone has their own opinion

And how do you come to the conclusion that I have a lot of work and that the care falls mostly on him, by the way?
He does do a lot, but how do you come to that conclusion?

I've been thinking about this for a while. You worked/were working 5 days a week. Your husband worked later in the day. Grandpa and grandma also often helped out. I think you took parental leave and childcare because it was too much for your husband.

Anonymous: okay, I get it, yeah, that's right

And that clearly shows me that you shouldn't push a man. Childcare is needed because he can't handle it.

No means no.

Daycare is also good for children's development, and they'll be better prepared for school later on

Well, you can spin it that way too. Better prepared for primary school, that's what the toddler playgroup is for. But anyway, endless discussion this.

First off, anonymous, this has nothing to do with you. You can share your opinion, but that’s different. And secondly, daycare (kinderdagverblijf) and toddler playgroup (peuterspeelzaal) are almost the same. Kids stay longer at daycare because their parents work, but their development is tracked just like at a playgroup, and they also do group activities with other kids. So, since I work, they go there instead of a playgroup, but they still learn to sit in a group, so it remains the same.

But indeed, you have your opinion and I have mine, so let’s leave it at that.