Forum Baby wish

Frustration

14 replies

Selby
Never mind, I’d like to delete it but I don’t think that option is available on this site. I realize no one can say anything that will change how I feel. It feels the way it feels for me, and people can’t just rationalize emotions away—feelings are feelings, emotions. I just can’t sit back calmly and wait for some spontaneous moment that might never come, or only happen once every few months. I can see how this is going to play out. I’m already starting to let go, and I just hope I don’t end up resenting my partner for the rest of my life. Because if he ever says, “Well, it didn’t work out with the second one,” I’d get angry, because that wouldn’t feel fair to me. But anyway. Luckily, others know exactly how it should be done. I guess I’m the only one who feels this way and is handling everything wrong.

Replies

  1. An1990 Guest #2

    If you've set your mind on having a baby, it's naturally really frustrating when it doesn't happen (right away).

    Once we decided to go for it, I tracked my cycle carefully every month and my boyfriend had no choice: sex around ovulation, otherwise there was another round of 'lost'. But it's just not the ideal way. Sex should remain enjoyable!

    I find it a bit rough for your boyfriend that he can't climax around ovulation but can on other days. From this I deduce that you put way too much pressure on it and sex no longer feels pleasant, but only like a chore.

    I'm saying this, I completely understand, but it was the same with our first pregnancy and it took much longer to get pregnant compared to our second pregnancy. Then we were less focused on it, just having sex when we felt like it. If he missed an ovulation due to fatigue, I didn't say anything about it. We got pregnant much faster the second time!

    Try to enjoy sex more, especially don't be so angry at your man, and maybe his desire will return on its own.

  2. Melissa #3

    I totally get you. We don't have sex that often either, maybe 3-4 times a month, and sometimes we don't even manage that. But it's always around ovulation. My boyfriend probably figures out that it's around ovulation, but he asked me not to tell him exactly when it is because then he'll probably feel too much pressure to perform. No pressure to perform here though. Before I stopped the pill, we talked about having more sex once I stopped to increase our chances. He said he wants to have sex more often too, but he's often tired in the evenings, so now we sometimes do it in the morning. Maybe an idea?

  3. Mimi #4

    Hmmmm.... I've read all your threads over the last few months, and I think he has a point that you're putting too much pressure on him.
    It sounds like he's doing his best now ! That's why I'd reward him instead of being mad at him. Okay, he messed up once, but there's nothing that poor man can do about it... He's trying, and that's worth so much more!

    By the way: I wouldn't feel like it either if I had to have to freshen up before we can get started (I assume your husband showers more often than that). Then spontaneity is really lacking. And especially if I have to wait 3 hours first (with a kid who won't sleep) until my wife is done with her bath. I'd say that all that forced freshening takes the spontaneity out of sex, making it much harder to enjoy it.
    (Are you sitting in the bath for 3 hours the rest of the month before you get started? Otherwise, he'll immediately notice when they should peak.)

    Don't get me wrong. I understand the desire is big. But he's compromised by having sex more often. Maybe you should do the same now by putting less pressure on him and enjoying it more. He's doing his best!

  4. Moedertjuh #5

    Hmmm, I actually understand both sides. I don't know how old you are, but I got pregnant in round 3 after stopping the pill, which resulted in a miscarriage. Round 4, we got pregnant with our youngest. I was 39 then, my partner 40. So age doesn't always tell the whole story. And my three oldest kids are now 16, 13, and 10 years old. They absolutely adore their little sister, so try not to focus too much on the ages. Maybe this gives you some breathing room to tackle another issue first: your husband's low libido. Where does his low libido come from? For a man, a low libido is more unusual than for a woman; it can have a physical cause, like something with hormones or vitamin deficiencies (which makes him tired). But it can also be psychological. So I'd say don't put pressure on "having to" but try to make intimacy fun again for both of you. Maybe bring up that you'd like to rule out a physical issue, and a visit to the GP would be helpful. Maybe he just finds sex less exciting now. Routine is terrible for the feeling, and climax can become a problem. If you ask him what you can do to make sex fun again, stay open to the truth, even if you can't agree with it. My advice is actually to work on your relationship first! A baby will come along for sure! But you are the foundation of the family, and that needs to be solid. Otherwise, you might end up with two little kids as a single mother.

  5. Selby started this #6

    Thanks for your replies.

    Before we became parents, we usually fucked in the mornings or in the afternoon when we were home. But now that we have one running around, we’ve tried a few times—TV on, bowl of chips nearby—but he always ends up coming up to us, and then you’re just too distracted.

    Yeah, well, he maybe tries harder, but only at times that don’t count for conception, and that just makes me more irritated. Of course I still enjoy it, but I don’t know how to hide that I’m disappointed if he doesn’t cum. Another whole cycle lost, indeed.

    No, I don’t always take a long bath. Friday night is kind of standard, just relaxing after a busy week, but I was already worried he’d have more trouble last night because we’re usually exhausted on Friday evenings after a hectic week. He was already nodding off on the couch. So it was kind of “all hands on deck.” No, we don’t always shower beforehand, but usually we do. Oral is usually part of our encounters, and I’m not going to let him suck on something that’s been in a sweaty underwear all day, peed on multiple times, and hung over the toilet for half an hour with number 2, splash, boom. Sorry, sounds gross. But I have the same thing with myself—sitting in underwear all day, it sticks, does he have to lick that? Since my delivery, I also have more discharge. Again, we don’t always shower beforehand, but if we don’t, we definitely do a quick rinse. I find it refreshing to shower even during the evening dip, it wakes you up completely, and I feel sexier too. But yeah.

    It’s also hardly discussable. When I bring it up, he gets a bit irritated already. I have to smile sweetly and beg if my friend maybe wants to fuck me, and if he doesn’t cum, he just shrugs his shoulders and says wait another 4 weeks. Because of our age, every month is slightly harder. I’m just annoyed that he doesn’t pay attention to the cycle as enthusiastically as I do, and he doesn’t find it exciting to fuck around ovulation, while my friends’ partners do that. Which makes you think my husband doesn’t want to, but he’s so easygoing and laid-back about everything. Even with our son. If I warn him about something, I’m too panicked, he has to fall first, or sit on the dog that growls at him, then the dog is suddenly naughty, while I’ve been saying for a long time that our dog doesn’t look happy with our son, and our son also pushes the dog or doesn’t pay attention and stands half on him. He thinks you can look back afterwards rather than always worrying about what could happen.

    Do you know why I also want to get pregnant ASAP? Then the pressure is off. Because the irritation and frustration grow with every period. And if it eventually doesn’t work or we give up, I’d always hold it against him, because if someone ever brings up that we “only have one child” and if we didn’t want a second, he’d say very neutrally “it didn’t work,” no, you just didn’t want to put in the effort. If our son ever asks why he doesn’t have a brother or sister, do I have to say “well darling, pregnancy isn’t automatic,” while it might have worked if we had fucked more around ovulation. Yeah, that’s probably very harsh of me, but if you don’t want to put in the effort, you shouldn’t complain that you don’t get the desired effect. If you want a muscular body but only go to the gym once a week and just chat there, you shouldn’t say after half a year “I don’t understand why there’s no result yet.” If we fucked every other day around ovulation and we don’t get pregnant, then we’ve done our best and I can’t hold it against him. Right?

  6. Joy #7

    If you leave him alone with your son for 3 hours... Of course he's tired from trying to get your son to sleep. My husband wouldn't have any desire left either...
    By the way, the fact that you don't understand that he has trouble finishing is a problem. Sometimes that's really difficult. So much pressure you put on your husband!
    My husband sometimes had that too... Couldn't finish. Because he knew it was the moment. And as a man, that's not easy to talk about. THAT'S why he pretends nothing is wrong. Sure, statements like 'don't waste your seed' just don't help reduce performance pressure.
    Give him some rest. Stop telling him when your egg is. Don't soak in the bath for 3 hours before having sex but try to get him in the mood. Do you really think he'll get in the mood because you took a bath?? A man really doesn't care about that.
    What it boils down to... You can give your husband some rest. Let him gain more confidence and thus lose a few rounds and then try to approach it positively.
    I really do know how you feel. For my second, we also took over a year. Frustrating, shitty, and annoying I felt from it. But my husband found it just as shitty. When I was finally pregnant, he passed away at 34 weeks. Then we decided to approach it differently. And I got pregnant in round 1 (mk) and round 5. Much more relaxed and happier I became from it. I kept everything to myself and didn't say a word to him. We just had more sex every week

  7. Mimi #8

    I don't think you can just say that your man isn't putting in any effort right now. That it's his fault if it doesn't work out. Because you really want to, and you're doing it more often now. And that's a good step in the right direction. He does it for you ......

    You did have a point earlier, though, because you hardly ever did it at all. But a relationship is about give and take, and now it's your turn to give (for example, by lowering the pressure). You can't expect a man to listen to an angry, dissatisfied woman every month, have sex more often around ovulation for her, calmly wait hours until she's "in the mood" while he keeps the household running, then refresh himself, do the standard routine with oral sex, not be tired on Friday evening, listen to an angry woman again if it doesn't work out, and keep this up for months. Relationships don't work like that.

    And if you really want to step on a man's toes, you should get angry when it doesn't work out.

    This sounds harsher than I would normally say it, but your man won't try extra hard for months if he still has an angry or dissatisfied woman just as often. Then it costs him effort for nothing.

    If you really want to take the pressure off (that's the main reason, in your own words, that you want to get pregnant as soon as possible), stopping trying is an easier path than the one you're taking now. I find it so sad to read that your relationship has changed because of this.

  8. Mimi #9

    I see that you've also changed your opening post. We're really trying to help !

    You can't change how you feel, but you can change how you handle it. From what I read, you have a loving man who's putting in extra effort for you. But I also read a lot of 'I'. 'I' want us to have sex more often, 'I' want him to try harder, 'I' want sex at that moment, etc. But do you also consider his feelings?
    Honestly.... if you're irritated that he doesn't climax and show it, then: no.

    You also tell other people that they shouldn't have a 5th child and that they'd be happy with 2 because you can't even manage that. Then you have to be able to handle us giving you honest advice too.
    You can't change how you feel, that's true, but he can't change his either. And if you keep pushing him away, he might consider leaving you at some point. He won't be able to change that feeling either. Relationships can fall apart because of this...

    Of course, we only read a small part here.

    And who knows, maybe it'll be a hit this month. 3 times is already pretty hopeful.

  9. Gwen #10

    Unfortunately, you deleted your first post. I was really curious what it said. Reading the replies, I can kind of guess what you wrote.

    We only have sex during the fertile week. It might sound weird to others, but for us, that's enough. My boyfriend has now had 2 times in 3 months where he didn't finish. I'll never criticize him for that. It's harder for him than for me. Last time, I also clearly said that it didn't matter at all and that I really enjoyed it. That's what matters. But now we have sex 3 to 5 times during the fertile week. If he doesn't finish one of those times, it's really no big deal.

    Try putting yourself in his shoes. Can't you try to seduce him a bit more so that it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out one time? Realize that sperm can survive for 5 days, which might make you a bit more relaxed. And theoretically, finishing once is exactly enough. Try to be more positive; it will do him good too.

    Good luck with it, I hope you get pregnant soon!

  10. Mimi #11

    But maybe you're right that it's hard to describe the whole situation properly here. Would it be a good idea to try couples therapy?

  11. Puck #12

    I also think it's a shame that the opening post was changed. I kind of get what was said in it.
    I actually agree with the reactions: try to keep your relationship fun first, before trying for a second baby. As it sounds now, you're just making things less cozy for yourselves.
    But... here's a practical tip: you mention having sex without the long bath routine, but it ends up being a quickie. You can totally get pregnant that way too, you know. If you really want to aim for a specific night, don't expect it to be mind-blowing every time. Of course, it can be amazing if you're both in the mood, but if you're tired or there are other tough circumstances: just be focused and do it more thoroughly another time.

  12. Joy #13

    So you want to delete your post because you don't like the answer
    It's always easier for a third party to see a problem that you can't see yourself. Most opinions align... So there's probably some truth to it.

    You say no one understands your feelings... But that's because you only pick out the negative parts of a post. There are plenty of girls who, just like you, had to fight longer.
    Girls with multiple miscarriages, like Puck, who are also older and had to push through.
    Girls like me, who waited a long time for a pregnancy and then lost their baby at 8 months. (No, I'm not the only one on this forum who has experienced something like this.)
    Girls who, one by one, know exactly how it feels to wait a long time for a successful pregnancy.
    No one is telling you to sit back and relax. But most are saying you should consider your husband's feelings. Because otherwise, he'll develop even more performance anxiety. And then you're even further from home.
    And sorry to say, but in your opening post, it was very clear that you find it very easy to climax and you completely don't understand your husband. If he doesn't climax and you start complaining and getting angry about it... Then you do have a problem, yes!

  13. Orchidea #14

    I don't know what was in the original post, but what I do know is that I often see your topics popping up about your frustrations with your husband, how long it takes for a second baby, etc.

    My advice is to relax. I understand that you're a bit older, as I read here and there, and that time feels like it's running out. But that doesn't help... with how you're feeling. I understand that it's hard to put the desire for a second or third child on the back burner, believe me, I know all about it. I've been trying for a second baby for 16 months now, and my husband isn't always easy to "direct" with this and that, like we should do it this way and that way. It should also remain a bit spontaneous. Your husband wants to leave things to chance, and I can understand that. I also understand that you've been trying for almost a year. Don't you think it would be wise to just relax and see when it happens? If you're not pregnant after a year, you can always consult your GP. And besides, enjoy each other, try to meet each other halfway. Make sex more exciting... that's my advice, don't let the desire ruin your relationship. I understand that you really want a second child, but you sometimes come across as a bit too obsessive... I was like that too. I took a step back from the forum, and it did me good. No more keeping lists, no more opening topics, no more obligations. Go enjoy it, and take it easy for now. Leave the ovulation tests aside for a while and just go by feeling. Twice a week is enough chance to get pregnant, according to the midwife.

  14. Moedertjuh #15

    I get that it’s how you feel. Of course you’re feeling some frustration. But try to understand your husband’s feelings too. It might seem like he doesn’t care, but he really is involved. I do agree with you that if he says he wants a second child, he should show a bit more involvement and work on his issues. He’s an adult too, and he should approach this in an adult way. I think you can gently steer him by not starting cycles about babies or fertile days for a few cycles. That way, in a few months, you can explain that if you do absolutely nothing, nothing will happen!
    And who knows, maybe something will happen, and you’ll have some spontaneous sex that’s amazing.
    But a few months, that’s no big deal. Think of it as an investment.

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