Baby wish
Second baby is on the way!
AnonymousGuest ·
Hi,
We have a daughter who is almost 2.5 years old. She was very much wanted, even though the timing was difficult for my husband; he kept backing out at first, but eventually didn't back out anymore (I put it in his hands to avoid creating difficulties), and he was very happy that our girl was on the way. He was very worried and caring until the moment she was born, then he pulled away and did nothing with or for her, even when I tried to help him. No, he kept distancing himself. Even now, while she is already quite independent, he pays her almost no attention and they hardly have any bond with each other.
Until recently, he said “I want a second child”, I didn’t really understand why but okay, we’d see. Both of us are only children and both wanted two kids. Half a year ago it came up, he absolutely didn’t want a second anymore, his life was good and a second wouldn’t be an enrichment. Although he knew how big my wish was, he just said it like that and voila, deal with it. It’s no longer discussed, it will be this way.
And it hurt, of course, there you are alone with a wish for a second, but well, I have a beautiful daughter, so what am I complaining about. Swallow it and suppress that wish and move on together with my little girl.
Until a couple of months ago, the word baby came up because of a birth nearby. Suddenly he said, maybe I do want a second after all. I didn’t know if I should be happy or cry because it came up again! I pointed out that he had to be very sure before continuing with this conversation! A few days later he came back, very sure that he wanted a second, he was ready for it. For two weeks he kept me in the dark until I found out during a conversation with him that he actually doesn’t really want it, it still doesn’t have to be, a second is no enrichment,... and he wanted me not to expect anything from him regarding help with a second child or similar. Now, I knew about that help, but it hurt to be hurt again like this, the first time it hurt but okay, swallow it and move on. But he knew it had hurt and then reopening that wound and backing out again really cuts deep,...
Since then, we don’t talk about babies, little ones, or anything related to the baby world here, he doesn’t want that and I don’t want to be hurt again. He doesn’t want a second so it won’t happen, it will be this way! For my little girl I also think it’s a pity she’ll never have a brother or sister! But she’ll find her way, she’s such a sunshine in the house so it’ll be fine! The worst part I find is being hurt twice and just not being able to talk about it!
We have a daughter who is almost 2.5 years old. She was very much wanted, even though the timing was difficult for my husband; he kept backing out at first, but eventually didn't back out anymore (I put it in his hands to avoid creating difficulties), and he was very happy that our girl was on the way. He was very worried and caring until the moment she was born, then he pulled away and did nothing with or for her, even when I tried to help him. No, he kept distancing himself. Even now, while she is already quite independent, he pays her almost no attention and they hardly have any bond with each other.
Until recently, he said “I want a second child”, I didn’t really understand why but okay, we’d see. Both of us are only children and both wanted two kids. Half a year ago it came up, he absolutely didn’t want a second anymore, his life was good and a second wouldn’t be an enrichment. Although he knew how big my wish was, he just said it like that and voila, deal with it. It’s no longer discussed, it will be this way.
And it hurt, of course, there you are alone with a wish for a second, but well, I have a beautiful daughter, so what am I complaining about. Swallow it and suppress that wish and move on together with my little girl.
Until a couple of months ago, the word baby came up because of a birth nearby. Suddenly he said, maybe I do want a second after all. I didn’t know if I should be happy or cry because it came up again! I pointed out that he had to be very sure before continuing with this conversation! A few days later he came back, very sure that he wanted a second, he was ready for it. For two weeks he kept me in the dark until I found out during a conversation with him that he actually doesn’t really want it, it still doesn’t have to be, a second is no enrichment,... and he wanted me not to expect anything from him regarding help with a second child or similar. Now, I knew about that help, but it hurt to be hurt again like this, the first time it hurt but okay, swallow it and move on. But he knew it had hurt and then reopening that wound and backing out again really cuts deep,...
Since then, we don’t talk about babies, little ones, or anything related to the baby world here, he doesn’t want that and I don’t want to be hurt again. He doesn’t want a second so it won’t happen, it will be this way! For my little girl I also think it’s a pity she’ll never have a brother or sister! But she’ll find her way, she’s such a sunshine in the house so it’ll be fine! The worst part I find is being hurt twice and just not being able to talk about it!
Replies
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Rabia Guest #2
And further on, are you happy with your man? -
An1990 Guest #3
Yeah, I’m asking myself the same question as Rabia: is your relationship otherwise okay?
Because I’d personally find it really hard if I saw the father of my child being indifferent toward his kid.
Or giving hope for a second chance, only to have that hope fade again... -
Anonymous Guest #4
To answer your question, it's really hard for me to see my husband like this in relation to our daughter; it hurts. She used to try so hard to get his attention, being sweet or silly, but now she doesn't even try anymore. She still says "Papa" but only for a few weeks; she didn't see the point in it. Whether he's there or not doesn't matter to her; they only see each other for maybe an hour a day, and that's literally just seeing each other. He likes seeing her, but he says responsibility and the work around it isn't his thing. I find it very strange when you wanted a child so much, and I've pointed this out to him so many times.
As for being happy with my husband, of course, the situation with my daughter doesn't help. He's always been a bit more withdrawn and focused on himself. But since she's here, he's living his life; he hasn't changed at all now that our family has grown by a daughter. He does and lets do whatever he wants without considering anyone else. So it's not simple: if things don't revolve around him, then it's a mess. He goes his own way, and if he feels like spending time with the family, then we do it together. I have that feeling. When I try to talk to him about it, his answer is always: "I wasn't aware," "I didn't see it," "It wasn't my intention..." It's very hard to deal with that because how can you change something if you're not aware of it?
I don't think you can become overjoyed about this, I think, but I'm trying to accept it and come to terms with who he is. Although I feel it's really hard for my girl that her dad doesn't see her. Now she doesn't know any better, but as she grows up, she will!
Thank you that I can say this here and can say it, and thanks for the replies. Not being able to tell anyone might be the hardest part because I often feel like it's my fault, especially because of my husband's comments. So being able to say it to someone once is really valuable. Thank you so much. -
Rabia Guest #5
Phew, that sounds like a tough situation. I totally get it. Hopefully, it won't cause any harm to your little one, and you can find your happiness together again. -
Anonymous Guest #6
Thank you so much, we're doing our absolute best, definitely for my little girl! -
An1990 Guest #7
I don't see why it should be your fault, so please don't feel guilty at all!
I can't really give good advice because it's such a difficult situation. I hope the bond between father and daughter will improve as your daughter gets older.
Personally, I'd put the idea of having a second child out of my head and try to be happy with the daughter you have (even though that's not easy if you're really dreaming of a sister or brother).
But then the parenting would probably fall entirely on you again, which wouldn't be pleasant for you either, I imagine.
I hope, just like Rabia, that you'll find happiness again and become a close little family of three! -
Anonymous Guest #8
Thank you both so much! It felt really good to finally say it out loud, and getting a normal reaction to it helped a lot. So, thank you very much.
I’ve put the idea of having a second child away for now. It still hurts sometimes, but we’ll get over it. My daughter is everything to me, so that’s what matters most. She’s what counts, and I’ll do anything for her happiness. I still hope she’ll one day build a good relationship with her dad, but only time will tell.
Thanks again so much. -
Moedertjuh #9
Sorry, but that’s just not something I’d put up with in a man. So immature. Treating a child like that. You definitely wouldn’t want a second child with him. Sounds harsh… but you’re choosing to be treated like this as long as you have this attitude of “oh, I’ll just accept his behavior.” Your daughter doesn’t have that choice. I’d really ask yourself what makes you and your daughter happy. And have a serious talk. Because really, he’s playing with your feelings. If you two weren’t in a relationship, do you think he’d make an effort to see his daughter? Or does he not care if she’s with you? -
Anonymous Guest #10
I didn’t choose for him to react this way to our daughter. If I had known beforehand, she wouldn’t have come into the world. Even though I love her so much and she’s everything to me, that’s not what I wanted for her.
And secondly, I also know that it will never happen, and it’s better this way, but I won’t say it doesn’t hurt.
Having a conversation with him about this—we’ve done it so many times, always the same thing: he’s not aware of it or he says he’s doing his best. It’s really hard to have a real conversation where you actually achieve something. So don’t think I haven’t tried with him. But pushing too hard just makes him difficult, which isn’t good for our daughter either. Accepting his behavior is also just out of necessity—it brings the most peace here. I take care of my daughter, help her explore the world, and he lives his own life. If I push too hard, he becomes stubborn and even more indifferent toward her. That doesn’t make things any easier. He’s hardly ever home, not even on weekends, so you quickly learn to accept his behavior during the times he is around. If I had wanted it this way, I wouldn’t have gotten married, and there definitely wouldn’t have been a child. -
Sofie #11
That sounds absolutely awful. I wouldn't accept that and would leave him. I couldn't accept my husband treating our kids like that. I'd rather raise them completely on my own than keep forcing them to deal with a father who doesn't care about them at all. I'd really think seriously about what you have with him and what the added value is of staying together. -
Joy #12
Sorry, but with a man like that, I’d leave. He’d probably be happier himself because he’d be free again. And your daughter won’t see his example. You can really find a man who loves his (step)child and loves you too. You don’t have a relationship, right? You and your daughter already live pretty much separate from him. My sister had a worthless man like that too. After her son was born, she left him. It was tough for a while, but she met the love of her life and had three more sons with him. Her new partner treats all the kids equally, including her oldest. They raise them together, with all the fun and less fun stuff that comes with it. A dad isn’t just biological. You have to be a dad, do the work, and earn it. Something your man just refuses to do. That alone would be a dealbreaker for me. Let alone if he ever treated my child like that too.. -
Moedertjuh #13
I’m not saying anywhere that you could have known that beforehand. But you’re staying stuck in this situation yourself. Why not just be happy with your daughter and maybe with a man who respects both you AND your child!
I really don’t understand what the benefit is for your daughter to settle for less. Or are you afraid of the consequences if you leave him? -
Anonymous Guest #14
I totally get your reactions about him taking her away—I’d probably say the same thing. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple, and I’m indeed scared of the consequences. Even though he doesn’t care much about our daughter, he’d do everything to get her back, just to prove he’s right!!! All things considered, it seems easier to accept that one hour a day is okay, as long as I know my little girl is fine for the rest of the time and that I can be there for her in every way and whenever needed.
Thanks for all your responses and your honesty! We’ll figure it out, but thanks for letting me vent.
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