Friendships that fade after the birth of your baby

13 replies

MB873 months ago

Hi everyone, I’m a mom to a daughter who just turned 6 and a son of 15 months. My partner is away a lot, so I’m home with the kids and end up spending a lot of time alone. I absolutely love my family and am so happy to always be with them, but I also often feel lonely. The friend group we have together is mostly my partner's, and I'm never really invited when they have girls' outings. I feel quite excluded by this and wonder if it's something I'm doing wrong. We're also the only ones with kids, I guess, since they're all much younger than us.

Another friend I've known for about 16 years, I don't see anymore either. Our contact faded once I stopped working with her, and I get the feeling it's mostly on my end. Although I'm not exactly great at maintaining friendships, especially when the other person isn't putting in much effort either. Well, I was always there when she needed me. She never really had a desire for kids, and since I had children, our contact has only faded more. We'd meet up now and then, but it became less and less. Even when my son was born, she didn't even come for a visit. I was so disappointed by that. Couldn't she spare an hour to come and see him? He's had his birthday now, and on his birthday I even invited her, but she couldn't make it. I didn't even get a congratulations that day, nothing. Same as on my birthday, nothing. And nothing on my daughter's birthday either.

I've been really struggling with this lately, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't have many female friends, so it feels such a shame that things turned out this way. But without clarity, I'm going crazy.

Does anyone else relate to this? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Replies

MB87 started this 3 months ago #2

Dear bh92,

Thanks for your message.
I find it hard to make plans with people who don't even ask me. Probably just because I take it personally. But that doesn't have to be the case, of course. I just notice that all the girls from the group are going, except me. And then they even mention it at a birthday party where I'm also present.. Yeah, that feels pretty crappy. Maybe because I'm also in a bad spot because my boyfriend is away a lot, even at nights. I'm totally not flexible when it comes to making appointments
And yeah, I don't know what to do with that other friend either. Should I let it go and stop contacting her? Or should I tell her what I think about it?
Don't know what's wise.
Haha, all this drama.
Beagle 3 months ago #3

Same here. Lost a few friends because they also don't keep in touch and didn't even send a card when our daughter was born, even though we sent them a birth announcement.
But now we've made a few nice new friends with kids. Met through pregnancy gym and now through moms' sports groups. Maybe you could check that out. Or go to a moms' cafe? Of course it takes a while to build a friendship, but you can definitely make nice connections.
EstHe 3 months ago #4

Totally get it. Lots of contacts faded when my son was born. One friend came for a postpartum visit (besides family), otherwise it seems no one was interested in us or our happiness.

I’m pretty straightforward about this: if you’re not interested in me, I’m not interested in you. Love, friendship, and happiness have to come from both sides. If not, it’s a waste of effort

I’d definitely talk to your friend. At least so he sees the problem too.
But also think about what you want from the girls in that group. Do you really want contact with them, or do you just want the feeling that you belong?
Personally, I’d feel unwanted or like too much if I were suddenly invited now, just because you mentioned something. Can it suddenly change just like that?

Find your own new contacts with people in the same life stage, with moms from school, through playdates. Join the parent council or activity committee of the school. Help out in a neighborhood association. Etc. etc...

I know how it is when your partner is away from home for a longer time; then it’s indeed just harder to meet up. But can they at least come over for a drink on the weekend? Or just have a cup of coffee in the morning or evening.
MB87 started this 3 months ago #5

@beagle, yeah it always takes a bit, indeed. But for me it never seems to go beyond a chat on the school playground. Everyone really has their own little thing, it seems. Like you don't fit in or something. Or maybe I'm not approaching it right or something.

@esther, you're making me think. I'm not sure if I really want to become super close friends. It's mostly about wanting to belong, I think. I also often subconsciously want them to like my clothes etc. They always look good, new clothes, shoes etc. And I always feel like the heaviest one there. There's only one from that group that I have more (contact) with and who likes me for who I am.

I could look around if there's something like a mom café here in the area. But due to my insecurity, I find it very difficult to seek something like that out. Purely because I'm afraid of rejection.

But maybe I'm not the only one in that regard.
Beagle 3 months ago #6

I also notice a lot that it’s always coming from one side. Now, through sports, I’ve met two nice girls who also invite me to do things sometimes, so it’s nice that it’s coming from both sides. I’m also not someone who strikes up conversations with everyone, which makes it harder.
I also have to chase after other contacts a lot, and I’m tired of that now. So maybe no contact then. But sometimes it does feel lonely, indeed. On the other hand, it feels more like they’re only keeping in touch because I want them to, not because they want to themselves?
Floor Guest 3 months ago #7

Totally relatable! I’m lucky that we’re a bit older and all our friends have kids too, so it’s easier to connect with the “mom” outings. I’ve also lost touch with three of my own friends since my kid was born. One really wants kids, but her relationship ended when I was just pregnant. I was there for her a lot, but her ex couldn’t bring himself to come to my son’s first birthday. That stings and feels unfair, but who am I to force her? On the other hand, it makes sense that I’ve put in less effort too. Two others don’t have kids either and didn’t even show up to my baby shower—they just sent a card. Anyway, bye.

I do have a lot of male friends which helps. I think you could try connecting through school/moms/sports or talk it over with your partner. And you don’t have to join every time the girls hang out, but if they invite you, you can choose whether to join in. Once you have a kid, you just have less time to spend on others anyway. I hope things get better once the others have kids too.
MB87 started this 3 months ago #8

Yeah, I hope things get better too..
Sometimes I get really emotional about it, like today. When my daughter is at school and my little boy is sleeping nicely, I can get really worked up about it. So quiet in the house.
And also because my girlfriend has a birthday tomorrow. And I'm really doubting whether I'll even send her a message/want to. And if I do, whether I'll make it clear that this friendship is kind of done in my opinion.
I also heard from someone that she wouldn't be feeling well in her own skin, but is that just an excuse to not even come for a postpartum visit? I see her at a baby shower for her "new friends" for example. You'll see that she'll probably come for a postpartum visit later on. I can't stand that.
I've confronted her about it too, and every time she says yes sorry, I feel so ashamed. But coming over, forget it. Then she's sick, then her cat is sick. Always something. And then I hear nothing more. I last spoke to her in March. Pff it just eats me up inside sometimes.
And I don't want that either. But I think it's such a pity to let her go.
Lies34 3 months ago #9

If you feel bad letting her go, I’d wish her a happy birthday today.

And maybe immediately make a concrete suggestion to meet up. Like going to eat some cake together for her birthday and then suddenly suggesting a time to hang out.
You don’t necessarily have to break off or stop this friendship. I have friends I used to see every week and now only once a year, but that’s okay. We went from best friends to 'we still like seeing each other but once a year is enough now' friendship. And it works, I like seeing her again and it’s good like that.

You should mainly do what feels right for you and not think too much about what others think. Friendships sometimes evolve or fade, that’s just life.

As someone else suggested, maybe you can meet new people through your kids. Then you already have parenthood in common, you can chat about that for hours.

Greetings
Lies
Beagle 3 months ago #10

It’s a nice moment to try picking up the friendship again and ask how she’s doing? Based on her reaction, you might be able to tell if she’s open to it again. But think about what you want first. If you haven’t heard from her since March?

I also have a friend who, ever since I was pregnant with my daughter, kept lecturing me and commenting on everything I didn’t do her way. She even made some really hurtful remarks. Mostly contact was through an app initiated by her. Now it’s suddenly quiet because I confronted her about stories she told that didn’t seem to add up. (Her life and kids are perfect and can do anything, but it doesn’t seem to be like that at all) and since then, I haven’t heard from her. I haven’t reached out either because I’m tired of my opinion not being respected. It’s a shame because we always got along well.

Making plans with kids was also always difficult; she’d cancel at the last minute, leaving me home alone with my daughter and someone else who could have been planned with.

Mb87, it’s double that she doesn’t come for a postpartum visit but does go to a baby shower. It’s a shame that people change so much when you have a child.

Floor, it’s a pity when you put so much energy and time into a friendship, being there for someone, and then get nothing back. I also wonder if they do this with all their friends, or if they’re the ones who seek contact?
MB87 started this 3 months ago #11

Thanks for your tips. It's a bit of a mixed bag, honestly.

To be honest, I just find it incredibly rude that you don't visit your friend after she gives birth. That still bothers me a lot. That's actually a good reason to drop by, I think. And the fact that she can still do fun things with other friends who have kids really stings. I'm also curious if she's already celebrated her birthday... I haven't been invited yet. Haha.

I just checked our app, and last year on November 8th, she asked to meet up for the last time. I said yes, it'd be nice. After that, it went quiet again and no appointment was made. A week later, I asked again: shouldn't we set a date? This isn't getting anywhere, is it... She said: yeah... do you know what I have now?

Pfff I I I I. Nah, you're done with that again.

But anyway, I'll see what there is to do around here to make new contacts. But I find it difficult.

It's quite interesting that it actually happens so often. And usually right after kids are born. Shouldn't it be possible to handle it differently?

Somewhere inside, I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Floor Guest 3 months ago #12

Beagle, yeah, well, that one moved to another city and has made new friends who are also single, which is great for her, of course, because it’s not easy when a relationship ends after such a long time (in her case, it was because she wanted kids and he didn’t (with her)). The other two have gotten themselves a boyfriend by now. Enjoy that, I guess. But you don’t need to come knocking at my door anymore if you suddenly end up with a baby or something.

It’s stupid of your friend not to respect your choices! My friends also do things differently with their kids than I would, but that’s their choice. Women should support each other more in motherhood; it’s really tough sometimes.

MB87, if it still bothers you, you could maybe congratulate her and say you’d like to see her. I’d just not waste too much energy on it. Friendship should mainly bring joy and support. I understand you might feel emotional about it sometimes. Maybe then you’d think differently. Could you, for example, double-date with the other girls with your boyfriend?
EstHe 3 months ago #13

Mb87, how are things now? How did you handle it with that girlfriend?
aug2020baby 3 months ago #14

Mb87,
Unfortunately, I've been through this too... On July 22nd, we had a miscarriage at 14 weeks and 4 days... We found out it was a boy.. We had a name picked out for our little one and decided to give our baby a memorial spot..
Since then, I've had almost no contact with my best friend anymore..

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