Babbles
Bad feeling about partner's ex
AnonymousGuest ·
I’m struggling with a problem that I find really unpleasant. I don’t know if it’s just me worrying too much or if this is actually normal. I’m 31 weeks pregnant now and I’m finding it increasingly hard to deal with my partner having a child from a previous relationship. Please don’t get me wrong, the kid is super sweet and I’m genuinely crazy about him. But I often feel restricted during my own pregnancy.
His ex had trouble with our relationship at first, especially when I moved in with my partner. She was very sad and told him she had a hard time with it. But she didn’t want to continue the relationship herself, and it’s been over for more than two years now, plus she was seeing someone else at the time. She dates a lot of men who also have kids, but she had issues with me around her child. I’ve had four miscarriages before this pregnancy, so I was super happy to be pregnant. I waited to announce it until my partner had informed his ex. And as you can guess, she wasn’t happy. She started acting differently again, and then admitted she was sad about it. It felt like a shadow hanging over my pregnancy.
I’m now really scared she’ll feel awful about the birth, which is something I’m looking forward to. But I don’t want to make things worse for my partner. Early on in our relationship, she made things difficult because she felt terrible. Because of that, my partner had a harder time seeing his other child. I often feel like I have to keep my mouth shut to keep everyone happy. But I’m finding it harder and harder, and we’ve been arguing about this for the past few days. I’m afraid she has too much influence on our home life; she’s scared her son will be left behind. But I feel like I can’t raise my son the way I want to because of my partner’s other son, who has different rules at his mom’s house.
It could also be that I’m reading too much into things because I’ve been so tired lately. But this weekend, my patience ran out. Sometimes when her son is sick or my partner is unwell, she says, “Well, then you have to take him for two weekends in a row.” Now, she had something going on, and we were supposed to have my partner’s son for just one day. Her other son (not my partner’s) wanted to come too. I thought, fine, one day isn’t a problem. But she called late this afternoon saying it would be very late before she could pick up the kids at the agreed spot because she suddenly has to work longer. So now they’re staying here for the whole weekend.
I sometimes feel like she decides everything (along with my partner) and I just have to accept it and approve. I feel quite guilty when I say I just want to relax a bit this weekend. It was officially our weekend without kids, and I’m still working during the week, so I really need my rest. But is it weird that I feel this way? And that I’m so worried about when my baby arrives because I don’t want to follow all her rules and her son was there first?
His ex had trouble with our relationship at first, especially when I moved in with my partner. She was very sad and told him she had a hard time with it. But she didn’t want to continue the relationship herself, and it’s been over for more than two years now, plus she was seeing someone else at the time. She dates a lot of men who also have kids, but she had issues with me around her child. I’ve had four miscarriages before this pregnancy, so I was super happy to be pregnant. I waited to announce it until my partner had informed his ex. And as you can guess, she wasn’t happy. She started acting differently again, and then admitted she was sad about it. It felt like a shadow hanging over my pregnancy.
I’m now really scared she’ll feel awful about the birth, which is something I’m looking forward to. But I don’t want to make things worse for my partner. Early on in our relationship, she made things difficult because she felt terrible. Because of that, my partner had a harder time seeing his other child. I often feel like I have to keep my mouth shut to keep everyone happy. But I’m finding it harder and harder, and we’ve been arguing about this for the past few days. I’m afraid she has too much influence on our home life; she’s scared her son will be left behind. But I feel like I can’t raise my son the way I want to because of my partner’s other son, who has different rules at his mom’s house.
It could also be that I’m reading too much into things because I’ve been so tired lately. But this weekend, my patience ran out. Sometimes when her son is sick or my partner is unwell, she says, “Well, then you have to take him for two weekends in a row.” Now, she had something going on, and we were supposed to have my partner’s son for just one day. Her other son (not my partner’s) wanted to come too. I thought, fine, one day isn’t a problem. But she called late this afternoon saying it would be very late before she could pick up the kids at the agreed spot because she suddenly has to work longer. So now they’re staying here for the whole weekend.
I sometimes feel like she decides everything (along with my partner) and I just have to accept it and approve. I feel quite guilty when I say I just want to relax a bit this weekend. It was officially our weekend without kids, and I’m still working during the week, so I really need my rest. But is it weird that I feel this way? And that I’m so worried about when my baby arrives because I don’t want to follow all her rules and her son was there first?
Replies
-
Anonymous Guest #2
No, I would handle it like this: when my kid goes to sleep over or visits grandma and grandpa, it's "your house, your rules." You can take into account things that he really values with his ex. If they, for example, raise him vegetarian, you can take that into account, that's just polite. But I think you should just have your own rules in your own house. If you and his ex differ greatly in parenting methods, I would make very clear agreements with your husband about that.
And I would indeed make it clear to your husband that he needs to talk to his ex about not just throwing the schedule out of the window without consulting in advance. She doesn't really need to take offense at your pregnancy, of course. But you and your husband need to present a united front, thinking about your needs, so things don't get strained between you. Try to explain this calmly to him, using good examples, making it clear that it's not about pestering her, but that it's better for your relationship and also for the kids (all of them) to interact in a certain way. -
Anne #3
Sounds like a tough situation. No experience with this, but here the rules of where she is apply. If grandparents don't want something at their place but she can at home, that's totally fine. She learns from that. Of course, basic rules still apply like no running on the couch, no hitting/biting/screaming. But seems logical. Would discuss with your husband in your house to treat your son and your ex's son equally. Otherwise you might end up with one feeling favored over the other if one is allowed something and the other isn't. I'd let your ex's partner just be, ear in one ear out. Take it as given and don't worry about it too much, just enjoy that little miracle in your belly and your man by your side. Easier said than done, especially with little sleep and hormones. It's hard for your man too, he's probably happy to see his son and his ex's son extra and enjoys that. Talking it through is nice, but understand he agrees with it. Seems like tough co-parenting. Anyway, lots of success
Add your reply
Share what helped you, or ask a question.
Sign in to join the conversation.
Continue with GoogleTakes a moment. You’ll come straight back here to reply.