Biechthoekje
Woman with excess weight
AnonymousGuest ·
Hi everyone.
I feel really ashamed to have to write this, but I’m really struggling with it.
My wife and I have been together since we were 16 (now 15 years). She was always very slim back then. I’d say around 55 kg.
When she was 25, we had a daughter. She gained a lot during pregnancy, but after, most of it came off within half a year. We got pregnant again 3 years ago. She gained a lot again, but lost it quickly afterwards too. But over the last year (since late 2017/early 2018), she’s been getting heavier and heavier. She was recently at the hospital for a check-up and had to step on the scale. She told me she weighed 87.5 kg. That’s way too much for her height. I asked her if she didn’t want to do something about it, but she absolutely didn’t want to. She said she had no motivation for it.
You’d think if she’s happy with it, then it’s okay, but I don’t think that. I find her becoming less and less attractive, and right now, I just don’t find her attractive at all. She also wants to stop quickly in bed because she gets out of breath. When I look at her, I find her completely unattractive.
But beyond that, I don’t want the kids to have a mom who dies early, is sick, or anything like that later on. She can’t play with the kids for long anymore because she gets tired.
I think it’s really bad for the kids, and also for her, but I don’t know what to do about it.
I feel really ashamed to have to write this, but I’m really struggling with it.
My wife and I have been together since we were 16 (now 15 years). She was always very slim back then. I’d say around 55 kg.
When she was 25, we had a daughter. She gained a lot during pregnancy, but after, most of it came off within half a year. We got pregnant again 3 years ago. She gained a lot again, but lost it quickly afterwards too. But over the last year (since late 2017/early 2018), she’s been getting heavier and heavier. She was recently at the hospital for a check-up and had to step on the scale. She told me she weighed 87.5 kg. That’s way too much for her height. I asked her if she didn’t want to do something about it, but she absolutely didn’t want to. She said she had no motivation for it.
You’d think if she’s happy with it, then it’s okay, but I don’t think that. I find her becoming less and less attractive, and right now, I just don’t find her attractive at all. She also wants to stop quickly in bed because she gets out of breath. When I look at her, I find her completely unattractive.
But beyond that, I don’t want the kids to have a mom who dies early, is sick, or anything like that later on. She can’t play with the kids for long anymore because she gets tired.
I think it’s really bad for the kids, and also for her, but I don’t know what to do about it.
Replies
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Falca #2
That's a tough situation, but there's nothing to be ashamed of.
Of course you love someone for who they are, inside and out, etc., but looks do matter too. Besides, being overweight is unhealthy and can become life-threatening in the long run if it gets out of hand. So I can understand that you're also worried about her health.
Talk to her in the most non-judgmental way possible, focusing on the behavior rather than attacking her as a person. Try to keep it to yourself, though. Not "I think you're too fat and need to lose weight." But more like: "I'm worried about your health and afraid of losing you. I'm concerned that your stamina keeps decreasing, leaving you breathless quickly. This affects your activities with the kids, but also the frequency and duration of our sex life." Explain how that makes you feel. Maybe you could suggest going to the gym together or something. I'd be cautious about saying that you no longer find her attractive, but maybe it's ultimately necessary to mention it. Be careful with that, though, as you can really crush someone's self-confidence, which you don't want to do to someone you love.
Strength in this sensitive situation. -
floydi #3
You can voice your concerns, but it's a tricky issue. If someone doesn't want to do it themselves, nothing will happen. I myself gained 35 kg during a tough pregnancy and have now lost 38 kg (more than a year after giving birth). But that's my choice. I wouldn't be happy at all if my husband said he didn't find me attractive anymore. That's not my life goal—to keep him satisfied with my body. So I'd try to help her realize that it's better for her own health and for her interactions with the kids. And offer your help; complaining is easy, helping is harder. -
ikke Guest #4
No one quits because you ask or talk about it. People quit because they want to themselves! For years, my mom didn’t give me such subtle hints about my weight. Only when I was older did I choose to lose weight and really get into it. All my mom achieved back then was a cold war between us.
If my husband were to make such comments now... help... I couldn’t live with that. "Not attractive at all." Yikes, nice to think that about your wife
Is appearance everything then? Are you an Adonis?
Feel free to criticize, but I fear it won’t end well. It’s a choice she has to make, not one you impose on her.
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