Baby wish
wanting kids but stressed from having to make choices
CharlieT
My boyfriend (30) and I (29) have been together for 9 years and are getting married in August 2019. The plan was to start trying for kids after we got married. This seemed like the most sensible choice because then we wouldn't have to plan a wedding anymore, could take a long honeymoon, and I'd almost be done with my studies (part-time HBO while working 32 hours a week). Also, since January 2018, after being in a permanent position for 6 years, I started a new job.
Lately I've been dreaming about and thinking a lot about kids, and after much thought, I'd like to start earlier. After a good talk with my boyfriend, it turned out he'd been ready for longer but was being sweet and waiting until I was ready too.
Secretly, we're both very excited, but secretly I'm also terrified! The usual questions come up; should we start now, is it a good idea, am I ready, can we afford it, should we wait another year…
I'm really worried about the finances, specifically the uncertainty of my job. I only have a fixed-term contract. I'm so afraid I'll end up jobless, but on the other hand… before I get a permanent position, 3 years could pass.
On top of that, I'm currently really unhappy in my new job, it's not the right fit. The work is disappointing and even worse… the atmosphere is completely different from what I thought and hoped. So I'd like to keep applying. But I'm worried about applying while trying to conceive. On one hand, it would suck to mention I'm pregnant shortly after starting work, but I wouldn't dare say it during interviews or probation… They'd likely choose another candidate. And… I don't know if or how quickly I'll get pregnant. It could happen right away, or it could take 2 years. The only thing I'd secretly regret a bit is standing in a wedding dress with a big belly. But that's probably a very superficial thought.
As you probably notice, my thoughts are all over the place. I've become an absolute fence-sitter because I keep thinking of all possible "disaster" scenarios. My boyfriend is much more practical in this regard and doesn't worry as much; he believes everything will work out.
I just don't know anymore, and then I thought… I'm surely not the only one! I hope you can help me think this through and maybe reassure me… Or not haha.
Do you recognize this situation (or some elements of it)? And what did you do or would you do?
Lately I've been dreaming about and thinking a lot about kids, and after much thought, I'd like to start earlier. After a good talk with my boyfriend, it turned out he'd been ready for longer but was being sweet and waiting until I was ready too.
Secretly, we're both very excited, but secretly I'm also terrified! The usual questions come up; should we start now, is it a good idea, am I ready, can we afford it, should we wait another year…
I'm really worried about the finances, specifically the uncertainty of my job. I only have a fixed-term contract. I'm so afraid I'll end up jobless, but on the other hand… before I get a permanent position, 3 years could pass.
On top of that, I'm currently really unhappy in my new job, it's not the right fit. The work is disappointing and even worse… the atmosphere is completely different from what I thought and hoped. So I'd like to keep applying. But I'm worried about applying while trying to conceive. On one hand, it would suck to mention I'm pregnant shortly after starting work, but I wouldn't dare say it during interviews or probation… They'd likely choose another candidate. And… I don't know if or how quickly I'll get pregnant. It could happen right away, or it could take 2 years. The only thing I'd secretly regret a bit is standing in a wedding dress with a big belly. But that's probably a very superficial thought.
As you probably notice, my thoughts are all over the place. I've become an absolute fence-sitter because I keep thinking of all possible "disaster" scenarios. My boyfriend is much more practical in this regard and doesn't worry as much; he believes everything will work out.
I just don't know anymore, and then I thought… I'm surely not the only one! I hope you can help me think this through and maybe reassure me… Or not haha.
Do you recognize this situation (or some elements of it)? And what did you do or would you do?
Replies
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Snowflake #2
So relatable! I was in the same situation a year ago.
We ultimately decided to wait another year, and next week it's finally happening!
After the wedding, we'll start right away
But in the past few months, I really thought often: forget it, let's just start. And then 2 minutes later, I'd change my mind and think we'd be better off waiting
If I get pregnant quickly, I'll be glad I waited, but if it takes about a year or so, I'll probably regret it. No one can predict the future, of course! -
Tooby #3
We started trying in April and we’re getting legally married in August this year. So far, it hasn’t worked out, and even if it had, I definitely wouldn’t have been heavily pregnant during the wedding.
We’re living on one benefit/income, so you could also look at it from the perspective of: SUPPOSE you had to manage on one income (or benefit)—what fixed costs would you cut, and which ones would you keep? Would you end up in big trouble or not?
A child naturally costs a lot of money, but especially in the first 3-4 years, it’s not that bad—you can cut back significantly if you have to. After that, it gets more expensive each year (clothes get pricier, they naturally eat more proper food, you buy bikes, eventually school costs, etc.).
That’s just my advice, but the most important thing is how you feel about it. If you think it’s really not sensible, then don’t do it—but in my opinion, there’s a solution for everything.
Again, I don’t know your expenses, but if you’re worried about what would happen if you lose your job, etc., it’s wise to look at your spending very strictly right now. -
CharlieT started this #4
Thanks both! I've looked into it so much that if my contract isn't renewed, I'll be entitled to benefits. Not what I'd prefer, but it does put my mind at ease. Financially we're in a good spot; we're saving a lot right now for the wedding, and I also have my own horses, so we can still do fun things (though we do have to cut back a bit now). If we had to live on one salary it would be tough, but temporarily with benefits on top it should be manageable.
I think the biggest hurdle for me is that my whole schedule gets turned upside down (first-class control freak haha) and I'm genuinely scared of making the choice.
On the other hand... we could be a few years further along before it works out, and I'd feel sad if I became an "older" mom. So much could happen in the coming years; right now we're both healthy. -
meid22 #5
@Charlie I totally get you, I’m also a bit of a control freak, but let me tell you, pregnancy is absolutely not something you can plan (though you can obviously choose to use contraception so you don’t get pregnant).
I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 4 years now, and we officially stopped all contraception back in October 2016
We got engaged in August 2016 and bought our house in October 2016 (we got the keys in February 2017).
We thought it would be really nice if our baby could be there for the wedding. We had already set our wedding date for 10-8-18 and figured we’d definitely have a baby by then, seeing as there was almost 2 years between getting engaged and the wedding
However, I just couldn’t get pregnant, which was really sad. At one point, I thought if I got pregnant now, I’d be heavily pregnant by the wedding day. I did seriously consider taking a break, but then I thought, what if I take a break and, especially with contraception, it could take a long time to get pregnant again? So we both decided to keep going for it and, if necessary, move the wedding to 8/10 instead of 10/8.
But I still didn’t get pregnant. Earlier this year, we went to the hospital, and we’ve now found out the cause: we can only get pregnant with hospital assistance. That was a really hard blow, because it’s not exactly romantic
Our wish for a baby (or pregnancy) before/during the wedding will definitely not come true.
I don’t want to pressure you into going for it or waiting, because only you know if you’re ready ;-) And while money is nice, believe me, money doesn’t make you happy, and pregnancy isn’t for sale ;-)
Wishing you all the best with your decision And wishing you a fantastic wedding day and lots of fun with the preparations!
Love
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Moedertjuh #6
I always go by my gut feeling in life. There will always be pros and cons. In other words, always a reason not to do something. But you can't predict the future. You don't know how long it will take to get pregnant. You don't know how things will go at work. So do what feels right for you both. And then you really won't have any regrets.
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