Forum Baby wish

The man is asexual, getting pregnant

12 replies

PippaGuest ·
Hey,
My husband and I have a huge desire for a child, and we both feel like we're truly 'ready' for it for over a year now. The only thing is that my husband is asexual.
Not that he doesn't want to give or receive affection at all—we cuddle a lot and talk very openly with each other, but the actual act itself, as you might say, really scares him off. As soon as he even thinks he has to do it, he completely shuts down.
I'm not asexual myself, but I don't have a problem with him being one. He gives me so much love and security that I have everything I need from a man. We really do want to have a baby together, though, and that's not exactly straightforward in this situation.
I've read a lot about things like self-insemination, but I can imagine that it would also be very stressful and maybe even embarrassing for my husband (we've talked about it together). So we've decided to make an appointment at a fertility clinic to see what options are available.
I think it's really important that we can create our child in a way that feels right for both of us, 100%. So I really don't want to push him into doing 'the deed' if he doesn't feel comfortable with it.
I just don't know how much fertility clinics are willing to help in our case.
Does anyone know more about this or have experiences that could help us?

Replies

  1. Falca #2

    I’d rather talk to a therapist who specializes in sexual issues. Where does it come from that your husband shuts down when the act could take place? Is he, for example, so insecure that he can’t get it up and feels ashamed of that? Those are things you can get help with.
    I think, and this is just my own guess, that a fertility clinic would also refer you if the problem is psychological rather than physical.

  2. Anonymous Guest #3

    Hey,

    Thanks for your reply
    The problem isn't psychological at all. My husband is simply asexual, which means he has no desire for sex whatsoever. It would only become psychological if I were to 'force' him to have sex despite our desire for a child.
    He just doesn't want sex; you have to see it as a kind of orientation. You wouldn't send a lesbian couple with a desire for a child to a therapist either, would you?

  3. Falca #4

    That's true.

  4. skybles #5

    Hi Pippa,
    We also had to do IUI for a while, and my husband and I got pregnant through an IUI treatment at the Zkh hospital.

    Anyway, my husband really had to contribute something in a jar. Whether he's asexual or not, it's uncomfortable for any man. It remains a silly obligation where you're also under pressure. Yet it gradually became easier. Especially because we had to adjust our own standards of what we consider 'normal' (this happens quickly when your desire for children grows).

    My advice is to try at home first. Leave him alone (or don't stay if he prefers that) and give him the feeling that it really doesn't matter if it doesn't work out right away. Because if it doesn't work, you just try again next time.

    Good luck anyway!

  5. Pippa started this #6

    Hey Skybles,
    Thanks for your message, it really does us both good to read that we're not alone, and that hospitals really do want to help! May I ask if it's a Belgian or Dutch hospital?
    And just about the procedure, where do they start in the hospital? We're going to the hospital in mid-June, and even though that's already in a month, right now it feels like it'll take forever! We're super curious!

  6. skybles #7

    We were in a Dutch hospital. I could explain the procedure, but honestly, I think it’ll probably go a bit differently for you guys.

    We just couldn’t get pregnant naturally, so they started doing all sorts of tests.

    I suspect (but I’m not putting my money on it) that they’ll mainly look into options for your boyfriend. Hopefully, they find a good solution where he can still contribute naturally. I think that’s why they might refer you to a sex therapist first. Maybe he can give some tips to make things easier for him.

    Only if that really doesn’t work would they possibly switch to a medical route. Then we’d be talking about a pessary or maybe a mesh? But those are pretty extreme interventions, so I guess they’ll want to try the natural way first.

    Try to stay strong. I can imagine not every gynecologist is understanding of asexual people. If you happen to meet someone like that, I’d really suggest looking for someone who is more understanding. It’s just so much easier to talk with them.

    Oh, and I get that June feels like forever away, but it’ll probably come faster than you think.

    Wishing you lots of success.

  7. Pippa started this #8

    Just a quick update for anyone reading this who might be going through something similar
    The hospital was super understanding and wanted to help us right away.
    They immediately ran some tests, which showed that conceiving naturally would never have been easy for us. Not that it really mattered—they were going to help us with IUI anyway. After a few failed IUI cycles due to our medical issues, we switched to IVF/ICSI, and we’re currently in our 4th month of pregnancy.

  8. Pippa started this #9

    Last update, our wonder baby was born in early January ??

  9. starz #10

    Congratulations Pippa,
    I'm super happy for you that you've got a little miracle in your arms through this way.
    Love, Starz

  10. skybles #11

    Oh, that's so wonderful for you, Pippa! Enjoy each other.

  11. Jewels Guest #12

    Hi Pippa,
    I'm in the same situation. Which hospital did you go to? How did they get the sperm from your husband?

    Kind regards

  12. Anoniem Guest #13

    Sofia or Didi (means girl in Arabic)

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