Forum Baby wish

Uncertainty/fear after miscarriage

17 replies

Mamske
Hi ladies,

I've been reading and chatting in ongoing threads here for a while, but I feel like I need something new. I don't quite find what I'm looking for in the other discussions. I'll briefly share my story, hoping to find some ladies here who have gone through something similar (unfortunately).

30 years old, 5-year-old daughter (2nd conscious attempt to conceive, 6 months after stopping the pill), 22-month-old son (5th attempt after IUD removal), *almost 9 weeks pregnant (4th attempt after IUD removal).

In October 2017, I bought ovulation tests to find my fertile days, consciously wanting to avoid pregnancy. The tests didn't show a peak, so I probably started testing too late. On 9/11, I got a completely unexpected positive pregnancy test—a faint line, but clearly visible. On 4/12, I had my first check-up with the gynecologist. The fetus appeared to be about 6 weeks old; according to calculations, we should have been at least 7 weeks to 7 weeks and 5 days. My gut feeling was slowly becoming reality—I had told my husband 6 times the day before the appointment: "I just hope everything is fine tomorrow." A week later, on 11/12, during the next check-up, the fetus hadn't grown, and no heartbeat was found. Fear became reality. After discussing all options with my husband, we decided to go for a D&C (curettage), and we were admitted on 12/12.

On 2/21 (6 weeks after the D&C), I had a check-up with the gynecologist. My uterine lining looked good, and a mature egg was visible on the right side that would ovulate in the next 2-4 days. For this reason, I used the remaining ovulation tests from October, and on 2/24, I got a positive test. On the evening of 2/25, I had cramps and bright red bleeding. On 2/26, this turned into very dark, almost black blood with clots. For a week, things were more or less calm until 2/1, when the bleeding started again, this time brown. It has persisted for a whole week, with the last few days having occasional (very minimal) bright red spotting.

This Monday (2/5) and today (2/8), I took pregnancy tests, both completely negative. I'm slowly going crazy. The gynecologist had told me that if I didn't get my period by 2/12 and had a negative pregnancy test, I should call back as soon as possible for a check-up, as there's a chance of a complication after the D&C.

I don't know what to do or think anymore. I'm going crazy with myself; I've never been this unsure. When I start searching on Google, I don't find what I'm looking for. Are there any ladies here who recognize this?

Replies

  1. Jenny00 #2

    Mamske, I’d call right away tomorrow and ask if you can come by as soon as possible. It’s possible that some tissue is still left behind after the curettage. Better safe than sorry in cases like this, and how you’re feeling now is important too.
    Also sending a big digital hug, what a lot you have to go through

  2. Mamske started this #3

    Thanks Jenny, on the check-up on 2/22 everything looked good and there was a mature egg, so I really had to wait until 2/12 to call. She also asked me to call her on her mobile then and not to the reception.

  3. Linda Guest #4

    Super tough, Mamske! After my miscarriage (twins, one empty sac, one heartbeat stopped at 9 weeks), I wasn't D&C'd, but it resolved with medication. That was in August. At the follow-up, everything looked fine.
    Four weeks after losing the pregnancy, I got my period. Yes, I thought, nice and regular right away! But nothing could be further from the truth. The following months were a sum of an irregular cycle, couldn't find ovulation with ovulation tests, then again very little bleeding and then very heavy, spotting in between, and a lot of uncertainty and frustration. But every time I was about to go to the doctor, something held me back (my deductible of 875 euros etc. . Also, I don't really like doctor visits and hospitals), so I decided to trust my body and give it time.
    Now, finally, and the date I was due is this month, I feel like everything is back to normal a bit. My cycle is regular again, I have normal periods, I've stopped using ovulation tests, I'm no longer spotting in between, and I finally have some energy again!
    In short, my body just needed a lot of time to recover. And that's very irritating, because of course I wanted to get pregnant as soon as possible. And I was so anxious! Scared that tissue had remained behind, scared of infections, adhesions, PCOS, early menopause, tumors.... The combination of hormones, uncertainty, and grief is really really bad!
    Give your body time. Don't underestimate how intense it is! And if you don't trust it, just go to the gynecologist to get it checked.
    Strength!

  4. Mamske started this #5

    Linda, it's nice (well, nice-ish) to see that I'm not the only one. Here, my hospitalization insurance would reimburse me for the check-up (they cover all costs up to 6 months after admission if they can be related to the admission), so that definitely won't stop me from going for a check-up.

    My OB-GYN is truly a gem. With my daughter, I had a different one. She was lying transversely in my womb from week 24 and never turned. The OB-GYN I had then was convinced she would turn. At week 37, he casually said, "Next Wednesday you'll come in for a C-section."

    When I got pregnant for the second time, I wanted to contact another OB-GYN because I didn't want another C-section if it wasn't necessary. So I went to the OB-GYN I'm still under the care of now. She got me through that pregnancy, truly fantastic. First, at 12 weeks, we were told we had a less favorable blood test, with an increased risk of the baby having trisomy 13/18. She got us through those grueling weeks, waiting for the results of the NIP test. At week 39, there were still no signs that my labor was coming. She explained everything she could do. She wanted to wait until week 40+7; if I had a 3cm dilation by then, she could break my water and hope it would start. Medication to induce labor wasn't an option due to the previous C-section. At exactly 40 weeks, I had a check-up with monitoring and everything else, still no signs of impending labor. On 40+3, I went into labor at full speed. First contraction at 00:00, and by 3:09 that same night, my son was already here. I was lucky that my own OB-GYN was on duty and already present in the hospital at that moment. Because of the rapid pace, the midwife was quite shocked, which also triggered my fear. Again, the OB-GYN was the one who supported me enormously with her actions and words; she knew how big my fear of a second C-section was.

    And now this setback again. I'm so glad I found her; she always knows exactly what to say/do to get me through it. She even said with tears in her eyes that she was really happy with the Christmas card I sent her (with a small note thanking her for everything she had already done for me).

    So I'd rather go to her one time too many than one time too few ;-)

  5. Linda Guest #6

    I can totally imagine how wonderful that must be!

    With my first pregnancy, I had a lovely midwife, but the ultrasound technician she worked with was awful! At the 20-week scan, my daughter wasn't in the right position, and she got angry because I had an empty bladder... and she even said I had "a nice layer of fat"!

    My daughter was born at 42 weeks, so I had to be referred to an OB-GYN. I only saw that doctor once or so. It ended up being an emergency C-section with only 1 cm dilation; I'd barely had any contractions. But things weren't going well with the baby—when she was born, she turned out to be severely underweight. Even though I'd had two ultrasounds that week! They couldn't figure it out, and later the midwife came to the house and said she'd reviewed all the checks and scans and couldn't make sense of it either. Luckily, my little girl made a full recovery!

    Now, with this pregnancy, they wanted to see me at 6.5 weeks for an ultrasound with the midwife again. Then she said I was pregnant with twins, but that they hadn't survived. Very bluntly. She also did something really thoughtless because we had our daughter with us. So I went to another midwife (we were moving soon anyway, so I wanted to be in our new area). She was super kind and really empathetic. Then it turned out that one of the babies did have a heartbeat and was growing well! Unfortunately, at 10 weeks it turned out the pregnancy had stopped at 9 weeks. She was super sweet and a real support then. But then you have to be referred to the hospital again, and you end up with a strange OB-GYN. This one was friendly too, though. But he gave me pills and didn't prepare me at all for what was coming. He said my husband could just go to work and I could stay home with our daughter. Well, I'm glad he stayed home after all. I quickly started having real contractions, which lasted all day and got more intense. I lost a huge amount of blood. The following days I had a lot of pain. After 5 days, I lost the fetus. It turned out it was stuck in my cervix, which explains the severe pain! And I still have trouble holding my urine now!

    At the follow-up, the OB-GYN was a bit dismissive. He was also in a hurry, so it felt a bit rushed to me. I didn't have to come back for a check-up either; afterwards, I really would have liked another follow-up... So much uncertainty!

    Anyway, I'd kill for an OB-GYN like you have!

    I'm glad that with a future pregnancy I can go back to that nice midwife. And then we'll just hope everything goes well!

  6. Mamske started this #7

    Ooh wow, what a story! Here in Belgium, we have a fixed OB-GYN. This person does all the check-ups themselves, except for a few that are done at the hospital by a midwife (e.g., the sugar test). Unless your OB-GYN is on leave or not on call when you give birth, you’ll have someone else; otherwise, it’s the one you chose yourself.

    Wishing you lots of strength, hope you feel better soon!

  7. EveS #8

    I completely relate to Linda's story. I also had a miscarriage in early July 2017 after 8 weeks using Cytotec (it was a twin pregnancy too). And I only got my first normal cycle in January 2018. Before that, it was either irregular or just half a day of bleeding.

    In the meantime, I also thought about everything that could possibly go wrong.

    One thing I've learned: you can't control your body at all. Just waiting calmly and not stressing was, in hindsight, the best advice I could have received.

    Good luck!

  8. Mamske started this #9

    It feels good to know I'm not the only one. I'll let you know what it turned out to be on Monday.

  9. Linda Guest #10

    Yeah, that's what I mean, Eve! It's tough, but it's really true.
    At one point, I just accepted that my body had gone through something like childbirth, even though I got nothing in return, and I needed time to recover.

    Good luck, Mamske, I hope for good news for you!

  10. Mamske started this #11

    Thanks Linda, since Thursday afternoon every form of bleeding (especially brown discharge) has stopped.
    I've been feeling nauseous every morning for a whole week and having a lot of trouble going to the toilet, which I've always had during my pregnancies. Now that the test on Thursday was even whiter than white, I'm convinced my body is playing tricks on me. I'll call my gynecologist on Monday anyway and hope I can drop by as soon as possible, mainly just to get my story across and gather information.
    To top it all off, I can't tolerate anything either, sorry to my kids and husband. We wanted to paint/wallpaper my daughter's room this week (carnival break here), went for a drink yesterday with some mom friends of my daughter's from her previous school, and when we got home there was white dust everywhere. I almost jumped out of my skin, we have to go visit the baby right away, my daughter has dance and swimming lessons, so no time to clean. I know he did it to do a good deed so her room would be ready as soon as possible, but ooooh this turned out so poorly.

  11. Linda Guest #12

    And Mamske, any news?

  12. Mamske started this #13

    I couldn't get hold of the OB-GYN, so I started painting my daughter's room to keep my mind occupied, which made me forget to call back. I'll try her mobile again tomorrow, and if that doesn't work, I'll try calling through the secretary's office.

  13. Mamske started this #14

    Hi Linda,
    I finally booked my appointment, I think I unconsciously put it off out of fear of complications. Next Thursday (1/3) I can come by, already nervous about the contractions.

  14. Good vibes only #15

    Exciting, Mamske! Do you still have any complaints?

  15. Mamske started this #16

    No brown discharge at all, and no regular white discharge either. It's all so weird, my acne has also decreased again. I can't make heads or tails of it.

  16. Mamske started this #17

    Went to the gynecologist yesterday for a check-up since I was due to ovulate around Jan 22nd, which was confirmed during that visit. Still haven't had my period since then.

    Had another check-up yesterday. Inside everything looked great, the uterine lining was very thick, but because my period was late and I hadn't had a positive test yet, they took a blood sample. Got the news this morning that I did ovulate (not sure exactly when, I was just so happy to hear it that I didn't dwell on it). So now I'm waiting until March 16th to see if I get my period, she said it could last max 2 more weeks. It's all so suspenseful.

    I personally feel like I ovulated at the beginning/middle of last week. I had more libido, stretchy white discharge, and felt nauseous for a few days (this happened before my miscarriage when I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant). Those seem like clear signs of ovulation to me.

  17. Good vibes only #18

    Ooh, that sounds exciting, Mamske! Glad everything's okay inside!

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