Miscarriage 'letting go'

Hi Anoniem22,

Thanks for your reply, nice!
I see that you've given birth to a son now, good to read.

I can relate to what you're saying. And that's indeed my fear too; getting stuck in grief.

I'm going to try to go outside tomorrow, even if it's just for a short walk.

Thanks again ????

I didn't put the question marks

You mentioned that your little one is now in a jar of water in the fridge. Maybe it would help to give your baby a dignified farewell by burying them in your garden or another place you like to visit? In a beautifully decorated box or little coffin.

Hi Anoniem,

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, that's right, we also think it's a beautiful idea. It's currently in the fridge because the midwife advised us to do so, until we indeed figure out what we want to do with it.

My question is more about; what comes next? I know it's personal for everyone, but it seems so hard to me to give it a place and move on. And of course I don't want to dwell on it for too long, but I also don't know exactly how to 'close' this chapter.

Hi girls,

First of all, my deepest sympathies with your loss. Because it is simply a loss, even if the outside world doesn't really consider "it" a loss because, in their eyes, you weren't pregnant far enough along. So basically, you should just keep your mouth shut and pretend nothing happened, often because the outside world doesn't know about it at that stage anyway.

I had a miscarriage in August 2016.. with a very long aftermath. The last part of the tissue wasn't removed until the end of September, which meant I was bleeding with clots etc. all that time.. according to the gynecologists, that was supposed to be normal. In other words, don't complain. Luckily, I had a very kind gynecologist the last time who removed the last piece of tissue from my womb for me. Personally, I found seeing the bleeding from the miscarriage the most confronting. Once that stopped, the processing began. That consisted of quite a few evenings of crying.. I am religious myself and found peace in the thought that my baby is now in heaven and in a good place. My husband found it very hard too but dealt with it in a completely different way. He would rather not talk about it while I really wanted to talk about it. That's how I ended up on Brabbels. And that's how I also found out how many women have actually had a miscarriage but often keep it to themselves. I was always very open about it with close friends and family. I found that nice so I could talk about it from time to time, mostly on Brabbels. I also had my hands full with a toddler of 1.5 years old back then, so she distracted me somewhat. You read on the internet that 1 in 10 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage but you hardly ever hear anyone talk about it, which I find is so nice here. So let your heart out, girls, and talk about it as much as you need to. Maybe you can indeed bury the jar or do something like that to say goodbye.

And I now also have a little one of 5 months old, so it can happen again very quickly. The only annoying thing is that you will never be truly carefree about pregnancy again unfortunately..

Hi MamaN,
Thank you so much. And thank you for sharing your story with me!
That’s intense, you know.. That you had to wait so long before they took it out.. It really makes such a difference who you’re dealing with.. The sonographer said during the scan; ‘oh no, no, I already see it. This isn’t good, I don’t need to look further’. And you’re lying there crying..
The gynecologist I saw 2 days later for an internal scan said; ‘yes, this is very sad.. But I do see that your body is starting to miscarry. That’s tough for you/you both’. And handed me a tissue. Such a difference..
People around me react very kindly, but what I hear most often is; ‘wow, how special that your body handles that on its own, right?’
Uhm.. Yes, that’s indeed special, but I’m not really thinking about that now. I just want to cry. And what I notice most; how tired I am.. dog-tired.
Glad you’ve got a little one by now!

Dear J, first of all, big hugs! That's so tough that you have to go through this too.
The best advice I can give you is to allow yourself to grieve, even if it sometimes feels like you have to push through. Personally, I feel that when thinking about the baby made me sad because they didn't make it into our lives, it gave them a real existence. And no matter how short, they were already so loved. In the first months, I was incredibly sad, but I tried to act much happier and more joyful than I actually was. Until it just didn't work anymore; I was so exhausted by it.
Going outside, however difficult and confronting it sometimes is, can help. Even just getting some fresh air can sometimes create space in your head.
Also, as MamaN said, share your story here on Brabbels. There are so many girls who are going through this, even right now. Sharing stories and sharing grief can really help.
My acupuncturist suggested that it can also help to give the baby a name. And to use that name when talking about this period. For example, 'that was when I was pregnant with...' or 'when we lost ...'.
I hope you find some comfort in all the tips and find your own way to cope with this great sorrow. Love!

It really is a world of difference who you have with you in the hospital. We all know it's routine work for them and they see this quite often. But come on, a little bit of humanity can't hurt. Well, people are different, right. And then there are outsiders who say, "Wow, it's amazing that your body does this all by itself..." who have never experienced a miscarriage themselves. Of course it's impressive that your body handles breaking down what isn't right on its own, but that's just nature! And right now, it feels like your body is failing and has let you down, even though you know in your head that's not true. I can honestly say I was quite "detached," but the thought "well done body, handling this all by yourself" never came to me.

We've been active on Brabbels for quite a while now, and I have to say we really do support each other, Jenny How are you doing now?

There's actually no legislation regarding the burial of fetuses. You can, so to speak, bury it in your own garden. I'd advise you to first place your baby in a small coffin or a handkerchief. Then bury this in a large flower pot or decorative pot. You can plant flower seeds, a plant, or a small tree in it. You can also put nice branches in there to hang decorative items on. If you ever move, you can take the pot with you.

Thanks for all the lovely tips and advice! It’s so nice to have a place like this where you can really let your hair down, without any ‘conditions’.
Had a tough week, now I’m just going to take some nice time for myself.

Thanks again!