Nice chat
Pregnant, but who would be happy for us?
Zaandam-1989
Hi everyone,
I signed up for this forum because I don't want to talk to anyone else about my pregnancy (except my boyfriend, of course). I sometimes feel a bit lonely because I want to keep it a secret. But there's so much going on in my head that I really wanted to join a forum.
I've known since November 16th that I'm pregnant, about 5 weeks. A lot has happened, and it's making me insecure. Brace yourself, because it's quite a soap opera:
I had a boyfriend I'd been with for six years, we bought a house, etc. During our relationship, I often felt like I was 'missing' something but couldn't quite put my finger on what. Then, through work, I met a really nice guy, I fell in love with him and he with me. And no matter how bad I felt towards my ex and how much sadness I had, I weighed the options for weeks/months and decided to go ahead with the new guy. My heart still breaks when I think about my ex, he's such a treasure and I didn't want to hurt him at all. But my friends' advice was: follow your own heart and feelings, staying with someone out of pity isn't the way to be happy in the end.
Anyway. This happened last March/April/May. I moved in with a friend, and my then-ex and I decided to take a sort of 'time-out'. Meanwhile, contact with the new guy continued and I was madly in love and he with me. I know how bad this is and how unfair! But it just happened.
In July 2017, I found out I was pregnant by this guy. While it wasn't officially 'over' with my current boyfriend yet. I was really in a phase of doubt: what to do! Stay with my ex? Say goodbye to the new guy? My heart said: new guy, my mind mainly made me doubt: I had a house with him, a common group of friends, 6 years of relationship! That couldn't just stop all of a sudden...
Anyway: I was pregnant! I desperately wanted to become a mother but had imagined it all a bit differently.. I lived out of a suitcase, lived with one of my best friends. I had just started my own business so I didn't have a very secure income. I felt miserable, truly miserable.
The new guy (by now actually worth calling 'boyfriend'
was also shocked but told me that whatever I chose (keep or abort) he would stand by me. Although he did indicate that a baby could cause a difficult start to a relationship. And he had concerns about how our relationship would hold up (just very calm and realistic reasoning).
I also told my mother.. I shouldn't have done that. She went completely crazy. Started crying, screaming. I had to call a doctor ASAP so it could be taken out. I was so deeply sad... how could she not say that whatever I chose it would always be okay and she would support me? I told her that.. But she couldn't get the words out. She was in total panic. To calm her down, I made an appointment with my GP. Not because I wanted to abort, but to discuss the possibilities with him. My mother had to come with me. I wanted the GP to calm her down and make her realize that her reaction was ridiculous.
The days leading up to the GP visit were KILLING! I slept at my mother's house during that period and she was only busy with me not being able to do that, that it wasn't good for me, that it would make me unhappy. How was that supposed to go well with a baby, what could I offer a baby? I have to add that she hadn't seen the new guy yet. And she also found it difficult that I hadn't properly closed things with my ex. But oh oh oh! How incredibly alone I felt during that time.
Then to the doctor.. He did tell my mother that I am old and wise enough (I'm 29 by the way) to make my own choices. I had to think for 1 week about an abortion (legally required).
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I signed up for this forum because I don't want to talk to anyone else about my pregnancy (except my boyfriend, of course). I sometimes feel a bit lonely because I want to keep it a secret. But there's so much going on in my head that I really wanted to join a forum.
I've known since November 16th that I'm pregnant, about 5 weeks. A lot has happened, and it's making me insecure. Brace yourself, because it's quite a soap opera:
I had a boyfriend I'd been with for six years, we bought a house, etc. During our relationship, I often felt like I was 'missing' something but couldn't quite put my finger on what. Then, through work, I met a really nice guy, I fell in love with him and he with me. And no matter how bad I felt towards my ex and how much sadness I had, I weighed the options for weeks/months and decided to go ahead with the new guy. My heart still breaks when I think about my ex, he's such a treasure and I didn't want to hurt him at all. But my friends' advice was: follow your own heart and feelings, staying with someone out of pity isn't the way to be happy in the end.
Anyway. This happened last March/April/May. I moved in with a friend, and my then-ex and I decided to take a sort of 'time-out'. Meanwhile, contact with the new guy continued and I was madly in love and he with me. I know how bad this is and how unfair! But it just happened.
In July 2017, I found out I was pregnant by this guy. While it wasn't officially 'over' with my current boyfriend yet. I was really in a phase of doubt: what to do! Stay with my ex? Say goodbye to the new guy? My heart said: new guy, my mind mainly made me doubt: I had a house with him, a common group of friends, 6 years of relationship! That couldn't just stop all of a sudden...
Anyway: I was pregnant! I desperately wanted to become a mother but had imagined it all a bit differently.. I lived out of a suitcase, lived with one of my best friends. I had just started my own business so I didn't have a very secure income. I felt miserable, truly miserable.
The new guy (by now actually worth calling 'boyfriend'
was also shocked but told me that whatever I chose (keep or abort) he would stand by me. Although he did indicate that a baby could cause a difficult start to a relationship. And he had concerns about how our relationship would hold up (just very calm and realistic reasoning). I also told my mother.. I shouldn't have done that. She went completely crazy. Started crying, screaming. I had to call a doctor ASAP so it could be taken out. I was so deeply sad... how could she not say that whatever I chose it would always be okay and she would support me? I told her that.. But she couldn't get the words out. She was in total panic. To calm her down, I made an appointment with my GP. Not because I wanted to abort, but to discuss the possibilities with him. My mother had to come with me. I wanted the GP to calm her down and make her realize that her reaction was ridiculous.
The days leading up to the GP visit were KILLING! I slept at my mother's house during that period and she was only busy with me not being able to do that, that it wasn't good for me, that it would make me unhappy. How was that supposed to go well with a baby, what could I offer a baby? I have to add that she hadn't seen the new guy yet. And she also found it difficult that I hadn't properly closed things with my ex. But oh oh oh! How incredibly alone I felt during that time.
Then to the doctor.. He did tell my mother that I am old and wise enough (I'm 29 by the way) to make my own choices. I had to think for 1 week about an abortion (legally required).
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Replies
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floydi #2
Hi Zaandam
Welcome to the forum. Get it off your chest? What a heavy time you've had, seriously, and from what I hear you're still in the middle of it!
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! It's a miracle, and it's nice that it happened so quickly to get pregnant after the abortion. I think it's really nasty that you felt forced to make that choice.
Regardless of the circumstances, your baby can't do anything about it, and people will get used to it. I'm more of the "just throw it out there" type, so everyone knows, and you just have to let the shit wash over you for a bit, but the storm will pass. Keeping it a secret seems really heavy and stressful to me. But do you already have an idea if you can rent a place together or something? Does your new boyfriend have a job? Having your own place seems really nice right now, especially since your family isn't supporting you.
Congratulations again
Greetings floydi -
Anonymous Guest #3
Congratulations. First, try to get your basics sorted. Get out of the house. Look for a place to live. Your partner should ideally sell their home too. Build from there.
You don’t need to tell anyone around you right now. Besides, it’s still very early. This is just about you two for now.
Personally, I think you should have a solid foundation. I think you’ll naturally care less about what people around you say once you do. -
Lena #4
Oh girl, I know that feeling.
Apart from the drama with your ex, of course. My boyfriend and I have only been together for a few months. We’re still building our life together. We’ve been living together for just 2 months in a tiny little apartment, and shortly after that, I found out I was pregnant. The apartment is really too small... my boyfriend is unemployed and I had just lost my own job too (but luckily I’ve found a new job now).
My dad (I don’t have a mom anymore) also reacted very negatively to the news, given the circumstances I just mentioned. When I told him I understood, but thought he might secretly be happy about becoming a grandpa, he said, "No, I don’t need to become a grandpa this way."
That hit me really hard. Meanwhile, he’s calmed down a bit and is acting more normal again. I’ve also realized that it was mostly concern from his side. It was expressed in a very unfortunate way, but still. I think parents’ reactions often stem from that. It’s a big shock for them too, especially when the situation is so difficult.
Anyway, I think it’s quite a serious matter that your mother pushed so hard for an abortion. When you’re ready to tell him, you really need to stand your ground this time and be clear from the start. I told my dad right away, "The baby is coming. I’m not changing anything anymore."
Everything will work out in the end. The most important thing is that you and your boyfriend are happy about it. Your real friends will be happy for you too. It’s your life, your choices. The rest of the world just has to deal with it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy anyway! -
kirstnn #5
Girl, first of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!
You've been on an emotional rollercoaster, and you've had a pretty intense time behind you. But it's great that you're choosing what's best for yourself now! Not what your mother wants or anyone else—after all, it's about your happiness and your life. Tell others about your pregnancy when you're ready; you'll probably get some nagging about it, but hey, that'll pass. They'll have to accept your choices, and one of those choices is that this baby is going to be born! If they don't agree? Fine, then there's the door.
I'd focus even more on finding your own place right now, and does your boyfriend have a stable income?
How are you feeling otherwise? Any symptoms?
Congratulations again! -
Mandy Guest #6
Hi Zaandam
I almost felt like I was reading my own story. Well, except for the extra friend part.
About 8 years ago, I was also unexpectedly pregnant with a boy I was just starting a relationship with. He didn't want the baby, and the way he told me made me feel like I had no choice but to consider an abortion.
The GP wasn't very helpful either; he immediately said, "You surely don't want it..." instead of telling me what rights I had as a mother, etc. They only talked about how it was barely within the legal limit for the abortion pill.
I really wanted children, but under pressure from my boyfriend, I let myself be persuaded. (If the pill option hadn't existed, I wouldn't have done it, and not even if they had told me the little heart would start beating that week or was already beating).
Afterwards, the grief was huge, and I had nightmares for 3 years. But luckily, I got over it, and the boyfriend became an ex who didn't understand the grief.
Luckily, my parents wouldn't have reacted negatively if I had dared to tell them back then. I think that's really rotten for you. Glad your boyfriend is so supportive.
Seems tough for you now, but since it's still so early, I'd keep it to yourselves for now anyway. Make sure everything is sorted out for you. Maybe try to sell the house with your ex or let them buy you out. Find a way to get a place of your own.
Anyway, I'm really happy for you and want to congratulate you. I'm also pregnant now with my second, so basically. There will also be people who are truly happy for you. People who let you down aren't real friends. But you'll surely find people who are there for you and who are happy. You're 29 after all, so old and wise enough. -
Natalie Guest #7
I broke off contact with my parents years ago. They met my partner and barely even shook his hand... so sad, really sad.
I can only tell you, choose for yourself. Be strong and love yourself.
If others don't wish you that happiness, then that's their shortcoming, not yours. Enjoy your partner, your pregnancy, your life. And if you don't want to shout it from the rooftops because you're afraid of the reactions... darling... then those people aren't real friends. Because they want the best for you and support you, even if you make stupid mistakes and decisions. And I'm not talking about your pregnancy.
I'm currently two days late and still don't dare to test, even though I'd really like to be pregnant.
Be strong and love yourself, as you can see there are plenty of positive reactions ????
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