My own soap (pregnant, but will someone be happy?)

Hi everyone,
I signed up for this forum because I don't want to talk to anyone else about my pregnancy (except my boyfriend, of course). I sometimes feel a bit lonely because I want to keep it a secret. But there's so much going on in my head that I'd like to join a forum.

I've known since November 16 that I'm pregnant, about 5 weeks. A lot has happened, which makes me insecure. Brace yourself, it's quite a soap opera:

I had a boyfriend I'd been with for six years, we bought a house, etc. During our relationship, I often felt like I was missing 'something' but couldn't quite put my finger on what. Then, through my work, I met a really nice guy, I fell in love with him and he with me. And no matter how bad I felt towards my ex and how much sadness I had, I weighed the pros and cons for weeks/months and decided to go ahead with the new guy. My heart still breaks when I think about my ex, he's truly a treasure and I didn't want to hurt him at all. But my friends' advice was: follow your own heart and feelings, staying with someone out of pity isn't the way to be happy in the end.

Anyway. This happened last March/April/May. I moved in with a friend, and my then-ex and I decided to take a sort of 'time-out'. Meanwhile, contact with the new guy continued and I was madly in love and he with me. I know how bad this is and how unfair! But it just happened.

In July 2017, I discovered I was pregnant by this guy. While it wasn't officially 'over' with my current boyfriend. I was really in a phase of doubt: what to do! Continue with my ex? Say goodbye to the new guy? My feelings said: new guy, but my mind mainly made me doubt: I had a house with him, a common group of friends, 6 years of relationship! That couldn't just stop all of a sudden...

Anyway: I was pregnant! I desperately wanted to become a mother but had imagined it all a bit differently.. I lived out of a suitcase, stayed with one of my best friends. I had just started my own business so I don't have a very secure and fixed income. I felt miserable, truly miserable.

The new guy (by now actually worth calling 'boyfriend' was also shocked but told me that no matter what I chose (keep it or have it terminated), he would stand by me. Although he did mention that a baby could cause a difficult start to a relationship. And he had concerns about how our relationship would hold up (just very calm and realistic reasoning).

I also told my mother.. I shouldn't have done that. She went completely crazy. Started crying, screaming. I had to call a doctor ASAP so it could be terminated. I was so deeply sad... how could she not say that whatever I chose, it would always be okay and she would support me? I told her that.. But she couldn't get it out. She was in total panic. To calm her down, I made an appointment with my GP. Not because I wanted to terminate it, but to discuss the possibilities with him together. My mother had to come with me. I wanted the GP to calm her down and make her realize her reaction was ridiculous.
The days leading up to the GP visit were KILLING! I slept at my mother's house during that period and she was only busy saying that I couldn't do that, that it wasn't good for me, that it would make me unhappy. How was that supposed to go well with a baby, what could I offer a baby? I must add that she hadn't seen the new guy yet. And she also found it difficult that I hadn't properly closed things with my ex. But oh oh oh! How incredibly alone I felt during that time.

Then to the doctor.. He did tell my mother that I am old and wise enough (I'm 29 by the way) to make my own choices. I had to think about an abortion for 1 week (legally required).

That night I cried myself to sleep.. I always said: NEVER an abortion NEVER NEVER in my life. I see a child as a gift and I will make sure of it no matter what! But this situation, all of this, led me to the choice to terminate it. With a lot of pain in my heart. Did I listen too much to my overprotective mother? Yes, I think so. But I also think my situation was too unstable to have a baby.

Anyway, on August 3, 2017, I went to Eindhoven to a clinic for abortions. What a terrible hell. I said multiple times: I DO NOT want to see the ultrasound, NOT NOT NOT! But what do you think: it was just shoved under my nose... And comments like: your baby is still too small for curettage.. were also mentioned.

After two days I had to go back, they checked if it was big enough. And yes: another ultrasound photo shoved under my nose with the comment that it was big enough for curettage. 'It grows so fast'. The grief I had was indescribable and so double. I felt so incredibly bad.

The treatment took place on a Thursday, my new boyfriend went with me.. He was super nice to me. Terrible experience otherwise...

Lived in a daze for weeks afterwards and from late September/October nightmares, I had such regret. How come I didn't listen to my heart.. How could my mother not support me anymore? Why why why? I don