Biechthoekje
Disappointed baby gender
AnoniemGuest ·
Hi. I'm a mom of 2 girls. My husband and I wanted to have a third child. In the very early stages, I had some bleeding and we rushed to the hospital in full panic. It turned out there were two gestational sacs, but only one had a heartbeat. I was relieved there was only one (due to space constraints and practicality) and glad that the other one didn't develop naturally (in case something was wrong with it). The next ultrasound, the doctor congratulated us on being pregnant with twins. A huge shock. After 2 months, I'm still just getting used to the fact that we're having two kids.
Today we found out that one of the babies is a boy. A nightmare. It's not that I didn't know there was a chance it could be a boy or both. But we would really like to have girls again. I know this is silly to some people and I understand that. I should be grateful that the babies are healthy and that everything is going as it should.
But. I was abused as a child and I do get disgusted by the male body (even my husband's) and it happens less frequently than it did a few years ago. Now I'm really scared that I'll feel disgusted by my child too if I have a bad day (by a bad day I mean encountering the person who abused me or if I dream about it, then I have a bad day). This would be my worst nightmare. My husband wants to reassure me and says it'll be different if it's my child. But what if it isn't? How would my child feel then? Am I a bad mother for thinking about this?
Today we found out that one of the babies is a boy. A nightmare. It's not that I didn't know there was a chance it could be a boy or both. But we would really like to have girls again. I know this is silly to some people and I understand that. I should be grateful that the babies are healthy and that everything is going as it should.
But. I was abused as a child and I do get disgusted by the male body (even my husband's) and it happens less frequently than it did a few years ago. Now I'm really scared that I'll feel disgusted by my child too if I have a bad day (by a bad day I mean encountering the person who abused me or if I dream about it, then I have a bad day). This would be my worst nightmare. My husband wants to reassure me and says it'll be different if it's my child. But what if it isn't? How would my child feel then? Am I a bad mother for thinking about this?
Replies
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Anonymous Guest #2
I can only advise you to seek help here! Professional help
Because your child can't do anything about it! No matter how unpleasant your past may be -
Anonymous #3
You’ve really had a terrible, unfair experience. Unfortunately, I can relate to that. Someone did something to you that they absolutely should never have done. There’s no excuse for treating someone like that. But this is part of your past, and how you deal with it is up to you. Everyone handles it differently. Never blame yourself for finding certain things hard. You can’t help it, and it’s not fair to yourself to let that person still play such a big role in your life. That person doesn’t deserve it. People like that are worthless and will eventually face their own consequences. So don’t let them “play a role” in something as beautiful as your own son. He’s your own flesh and blood. He has the genes of you and your husband. This child will never hurt you because you’re his mama
In my opinion, there’s no purer love than the love between a mother and her child. I think your husband is right when he says it’s different. You won’t find your baby disgusting. You’ll only see them as beautiful and sweet, and you’ll care for them wholeheartedly. The fact that this is weighing on you and that you’d hate it if someone treated your child this way already shows you’re a good mother! But talk to your midwife, GP, or someone else you trust and understand. I think it’s important for you to talk about it because, in my opinion, you haven’t fully processed it yet. Don’t give that person such a big role in your life. They’ve already ruined enough. Wishing you lots of strength. I hope you’ll enjoy your twins 
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Anonymous Guest #4
Short and sweet:
Indeed, super silly these thoughts, no matter how bad your past was. Why did you start having kids when your girls could have been boys too.
There are damn people who try for years to get pregnant...and then you're unhappy about having a boy? No, I hope this is really a bad April Fool's joke because otherwise you really need to talk to someone before you give birth.
Your first step after a bad experience is to give it a place. Exactly to prevent this! -
An Guest #5
Therapy, therapy, therapy!
It’s really nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve been following it for years. Trauma processing, grief processing, regular talk sessions, EMDR, and now as a closer, creative therapy (which is really fun and interesting!).
I never thought I’d ever need to go to therapy, but sometimes life doesn’t go as planned, and it’s necessary. Besides feeling better and understanding yourself better, it’s also quite interesting! And... I think it’s good for both your daughters and your upcoming little boy too. Every house has its own cross, but a mom with so many heavy unresolved issues... is intense.
Good luck!
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